tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-145123002024-03-07T21:22:23.708+00:00misc0nceptionand I thought I couldn't procreate!Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.comBlogger329125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-74104723892804430452017-02-01T12:00:00.000+00:002017-02-16T14:54:36.363+00:00so what have you learnt ?An article caught my eye today, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/happy-parents-national-childrens-day_uk_57343e9de4b0f0f53e35bf01?utm_hp_ref=uk-parents&ir=UK%2BParents&section=uk_parents" target="_blank">Huffington Post's "National Children's Day: Why is it important for parents to focus on their own wellbeing"</a><br />
<br />
How do we care for ourselves ? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the demands of life, my children, my husband, all the responsibilities of running a home, everyone's social lives, feeding, clothing, co-ordinating, that my needs and my identity are deleted. I allow them to be crushed into a tiny corner by the needs of these three people. Ah the tyranny of the inner voice !<br />
I remember feeling so strongly that <a href="https://www.htb.org/parentingchildren" target="_blank">the Parenting Course</a> was a bridge too far...<br />
Here we sat, listening to all the fine advice in the world on raising children the right way, but all I felt was EMPTY. I raged against the course's premise, the assumption that every mummy and daddy has all their shit sorted, that they're filled to the brim with good feelings, good intentions, oodles of energy - both emotional and physical, and lots of support. It's someone's dream. It certainly didn't reflect my reality when we did it. I felt locked out of that 'normal': families that had a few struggles, but overall were on top of things, had healthy emotional and psychological lives, where the adults were adults, and the children were children. What I realised - thanks in a large part to therapy - is that THAT idyllic 'normal' was absolute drivel. Nicky and Sila Lee have issues, all the people they interviewed have issues, the people sitting next to me on the course had issues, the leaders of the course had issues. The course didn't deal with those issues, instead it added the enormous burden of 'how you should do the job'. Ha! what a joke.<br />
Teaching parenting is much like raising children - a combination of nature and nurture. Attending that course was a bit like trying to nurture ourselves, to feed the bits that felt wholely unprepared for this role. While what we do when we parent is live out our own experience of being children again, and we do it to our kids. It brings me back to <a href="http://misc0nception.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/harsh.html" target="_blank">that post</a> I wrote in January 2015 - with the two poems.<br />
<br />
We really have to learn how to recognise and affirm the (innate) parenting in ourselves that is entirely <i>nature</i>, and be empowered to <i>nurture</i> ourselves and grow. A parenting course is NOT going to do that.<br />
<br />
We need kindness and love, from within and without, to take the next step to being the parents; not the buddies, not the nazis, but the adults in the relationship.<br />
<br />
My most recent insight is the essentialness of joint parenting - but that's another blog post.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-28196677768429305652017-01-04T12:00:00.000+00:002017-02-16T14:29:06.965+00:00in my own roomwe have made it to 2017! and Zack is in a good space... it's his last day of holidays and he's back to school on Monday. We had my mum here for 3 weeks, and it went off pretty well. I think the biggest observation for us was that she slept in Zack's bed, in Zack's room. Which meant that he was displaced, and the initial novelty of sleeping in Calvin's room in the bunk bed soon turned to a chore. His little brother wouldn't stay up all night talking - he gets tired and goes to sleep. Zack struggled with that. Keith and I sat with him trying to understand why he was 'out of sorts' and he had the emotional intelligence to say, to identify for himself, that he was out of his room, and it was disrupting his equilibrium. It's funny to hear it from you son, and then to think, 'Well, wasn't that blatantly obvious!?', which of course it was, but only once Zack had pointed it out.<br />
Suffice it to say, he got through Mum's visit and being out of his room, but he was delighted when he could move back in.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-13448696268543119532016-11-15T22:39:00.004+00:002016-11-15T22:39:45.308+00:00year 6, and now we are 10 and a halfThe new academic year begins and with it an chance to look back at what has been overcome, what has been achieved in the past 12 months. <a href="http://www.stchris.co.uk/" target="_blank">St Chris</a> has been exactly the right thing for Zack, and their approach has been a gift to our family. In so many ways, we are experiencing the joy of 'normal' family interaction. Not normal for all, but a new normal for us: one where we aren't walking on egg-shells the entire time waiting for Zack to blow a fuse and ruin it all. I took the boys away for a week in the summer to Gloucestershire and it was a really good break - just the 3 of us. The boys coped well, and loved visiting friends with dogs and small babies. Having their attention directed elsewhere. We will be returning to Gloucestershire this weekend for a christening. I am expecting the same. Which only shows that the changes HAVE been internalised, for which I am grateful, grateful, grateful.<br />
Zack has made enormous headway. New teacher, new academic year, all an improvement. He still has struggles, but he is hugely empathetic, thoughtful, kind, considerate, and pure gold in many ways. Every time I am faced with the latest revelation from the "old school", I'm encouraged that it was the right decision. Zack is not run-of-the-mill, he is not like the majority. He needs a different approach. Even now, when his routine is disrupted, it affects him greatly. Yes, less than it did before, but I see him 'disrupted' when things aren't as they aught.<br />
He's growing up quickly, becoming more adolescent, aware of his body, his feelings. He's so keen to be tall, as big as me. He desperately wants to be grown up, have big feet to match his big body. He is beautiful, and in time will be a beautiful man: sensitive, intelligent, kind and wonderful. It is such a journey though, and so many hurdles and challenges to face, so much wisdom required to discern and grow.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-40627850987314085132016-01-22T11:38:00.000+00:002016-01-22T11:38:38.569+00:00January and new beginningsWell, it’s been MONTHS since I wrote, and we’ve had a few speed bumps along the way, but overall Zack is transforming slowly into a much happier, centred boy. <a href="http://www.stchris.co.uk/" target="_blank">St Christopher</a>’s is a curiosity to me - that a school could exist where children can be themselves, teacher’s are caring and so, very, interested in their pupil’s wellbeing and obtaining the best from them. That education seems fun, and studies feel like juicy grapes, ready to be bitten. I don’t get a sense of the penal attitude that is so very prevalent in his old school. For example, one of the girl’s in his class had a very difficult day on Wednesday and had a massive meltdown at school. Her mum felt it necessary to email all the class parents and explain, as well as apologise. I said there was no need, and that we all understand how hard it can be. How different from his old school! There was no, “X got a red card” or, “X got detention!” which is what Calvin brings home regularly.<br />When questioned by a good friend, if he’d made some friends, Zack responded with:<br />“Everyone in my class is my friend!”<br />I was open-mouthed with joy and relief. I know that he has made friends with children in years below and above him, as well as a few of the teenagers (see my previous post) on the coach/bus. He is now at ease with the coach journey - with where he sits and what he does. Those teething problems were a part of the adjustment process. He knows the names of other bus-trippers, and shares ear-phones with them. They play games and compare scores. It's so healthy.<br />We’ve also seen real signs that he is feeling better in himself - the past week has been pretty smooth going in the mornings. Having to get up every day at 6am, while it’s still dark, has been hard-going. In December we’d had a few really difficult mornings - Zack throwing enormous, shout-y tantrums and having to be carried (80kgs) to the car so he doesn’t miss the bus. But the past week or so, has seen a boy waking up by himself, without prompting, having set his own alarm. I’m still having to dress him, but not having to fight about waking up is a big thing.<br />Now that we’re into the second term of year 5, he has joined two after-school groups playing netball on Mondays and rugby on Tuesdays. It means he gets the late bus home, and I only pick him up at 6:50pm - a very late, long day for a 9 year old. But he often does a little dance as he walks from the coach to the car which speaks volumes about his inner state.<br />A few weeks ago, we went for a blood test at the local hospital, which didn’t happen because he’d worked himself into a state of high-agitation saying “I hate needles!”, “I can’t do this Mummy!”, “I’m scared!”… it’s a tough one, because I decided that it would be better to give him the heads-up that we were going. But the downside was that he had a few days to dwell on the terror of having a needle stuck in his arm. aaarrghhh!<br />Then, last week, he said to me, “Mum, my god-mother Heather only cuts her hair once a year. I think that’s a really good idea. If I cut my hair really short, I would also only have to cut it once a year.”<br />His hair is well below his shoulders now and the bird’s nest at the back of his head has grown. The challenge of brushing it and washing it, loomed large, as it we’d had a number of ‘discussions’ in December while in SA, to no avail.<br />I agreed, that cutting it a lot would mean not having to do it as frequently. As such he insisted that we make an appointment for the weekend, and he have his hair lopped off.<br />I took him to the hairdresser on Sunday, and we cut, cut, cut it. He cried a bit when she combed it - the part he hates the most. But it is now radically shorter, tho’ not a buzzcut. In the middle of it all, Zack said to me, “Mum, I am facing my fears.”<br />I just want to hug and kiss him. I squeezed his little hands and said, “I am so proud of you. This is a big, big thing. Lots of people never face their fears love, and you are nine and you’re doing it!”<br />When we got home the verdict was, “Mum, it’s not short enough! and the blow-dry makes it look poofy!”<br />By Monday the verdict had changed to, “its not really a boy’s haircut Mom. I look like a girl with short hair.” You have to laugh, because in SA he was addressed as ‘young lady’ and ‘madam’ a few times - a country where people CANNOT get their heads around a boy with long hair. ha ha.<br />So we now have another appointment for Sunday this week, with daddy’s barber, to have it cut much shorter and styled to look more like a boy. Watch this space!<br />And on top of all that, he said to me, “I think I’m ready to go back and have my blood test Mum”.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-91956146904428544192015-11-04T22:02:00.000+00:002015-11-04T22:02:44.025+00:00it never rains, but it pours.... good thingsI haven't posted in ages - summer holidays were very busy and back to school in the first week of September. So much has happened it's difficult to remember the sequence. I'll dive in here...<br />
Zack had a good Summer Camp - a week in Dorset. Calvin and I went camping which was a mixed experience because the weather was quite extreme, tho' we did have one beautiful day.<br />
Our time away on holiday as a family was also mixed, but I'd say overall a positive one. We travelled to Slovenia with friends and their four children were a good influence on ours - showing the boys how you can 'do chores' and have responsibility without kicking up a fuss or having a tantrum because you've been told to do something. I think the peer pressure was also good because everyone had a job to do.<br />
The plus of that is that we came home and Zack made a 'chores chart' which is stuck on the side of the fridge and everyone has jobs to do. That doesn't mean that they don't argue about doing it, or that anyone actually DOES anything, but it's a start.<br />
<br />
Schooling:<br />
We came back anticipating that Zack would 'phase out' of his current school and start attending the remedial school in East Finchley on a full-time basis. This only lasted for a week because we got a call from <a href="http://www.stchris.co.uk/st-chris" target="_blank">St Chris </a>in his second week at school to say they'd like to see him for a full day - time in his 'future class' and time for an assessment. This went ahead the following day, which was all very sudden, but could not have gone better. Keith was very impressed, and we were able to spend more than 40 minutes talking to the SENCO and her 2IC.<br />
<br />
We were offered a place, starting on 2 November, so Zack had the remainder of the half-term to 'take his leave' of St James. His departure was measured and kind - he had a chance to make individually designed biscuits for each classmate, which he loved - he was able to craft his "goodbye', his way. That was a gift, and entirely because we were given the time. I've learned a huge lesson about not rushing into things, taking <i>action</i> because life is unbearable, patience such an untenable request.<br />
<br />
Zack started at St Chris on Monday. It's been "fine". But today he had a run-in with the bus driver. He wanted Zack to stay seated, with a seat-belt for the entire journey. Zack wants to be friends, he wants to interact. He wants to hang with the teens, like he does with teens who babysit, but the highschool kids on the bus don't want him to be in their faces. They moved, so he moved. Bus driver wants him to stay seated. Predicament....Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-65547237022785532342015-08-04T15:11:00.000+01:002015-08-04T15:20:33.277+01:00why? OT why ?So the Psych says, he's got <i>sensory processing issues</i>. My niece on my side, and my nephew on my husband's side, have both got sensory issues, so I'm thinking "Yeah. I can see there might be a link". I put everything I have into finding an OT - it's insanely scarce in London. I ask everyone I know who might be able to help, even a friend whose son has Downs Syndrome that I haven't seen in 6 years. Slowly word trickles back, but there's not much. And then when I'm feeling desperate one evening, I get an email from a friend of a friend and BAM! I have a name. It's an OT in Mill Hill - not far from me. Only 18 minutes drive. Whoohoo!<br />
I make an appointment, she sounds great.<br />
I meet her. We talk. She is very sincere and keen to help.<br />
And yesterday evening I take Zack. He goes in for his assessment. He is chatty and keen.<br />
I sit outside for 30 minutes. Then I go in, and she says, she's baffled. She says he's absolutely fine and has NO motor-skill issues. She says he is completely well-developed and was quick at all the tasks. We talk for a while and she says she thinks all his issues may be behavioural and emotional, linked with the academic environment.<br />
...<br />
..<br />
.<br />
WHAT !?!?!?! <br />
. <br />
..<br />
...<br />
I don't know what to say. I want to scream and cry. I suppose I should feel relieved that it's ruled out one factor, but part of me is really sad, as OT is fun and creative. And it would have been a great foil to the muddy, messy, painful world of therapy. Zack doesn't want to talk to a therapist like the one he had. But if the OT is right, that's what he needs most - more behavioural therapy, more psych.<br />
And to top it all off, he was listening at the door while the OT and I were talking (not great), and wanted to know if he could go to Boarding School (!). He was insistent that that's what we'd said, and that's what he heard. I denied it, but he was convinced. Bit of a yucky outcome really. I explored it a bit on the drive home, "Have you been thinking about boarding school before ? Where did you hear about boarding school? Do you have a friend who is at boarding school? What do you think boarding school is like?"<br />
He doesn't have a friend at boarding school. Not that I know of.<br />
We discussed the ins and outs of boarding school and I also said that he was a bit young to go.<br />
<br />
I feel so weary about all this.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyone want to buy two enormous books on kids with sensory issues ? ahem. <br />
Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-91981682517478087672015-07-13T21:10:00.001+01:002015-07-13T21:12:29.229+01:00Weary but still moving forwardSo the past few weeks have been decidedly up and down. Going back to
school on the 1st of June, and kicking that off with the Clinical
Psych's assessement seemed to usher in a phase of miserable in the
school environs. It's funny how you don't realise how good things have
been until things are really, really shit again, and you feel like,
"what the hell is going on? are we back at square one?".<br />
<br />
There's
always something, and at the moment it's one little boy in Zack's
class. It's hard to unravel what happens but I'd say that Zack winds him
up, but also more importantly, that there is stuff going on in this
little chap's life and he doesn't have anywhere to "put" it. His mum and
dad split up a few years ago, and daddy has a new girlfriend. His
younger brother is a stellar little football player and has recently had
trials at one of the big London clubs. You can understand that just one
of these things would unsettle a boy of 8 or 9, but together they're
pretty insurmountable. And you know what that means - find a target and
put the negative crap in your life, there. So Zack has been the
receptacle week-after-week of this boy's shit. He goads him, he blames
him, he uses him as an emotional dump.<br />
Have I spoken to the parents ? No. Why ? I am so, so, so dog-tired of explaining this to people who really don't care.<br />
Everyone just wants good little kiddies who are no trouble at all.<br />
<br />
Everyone.<br />
<br />
On
a more positive note, Zack has had a significant amount of "reading
support" of school, and it has made a massive difference. We have a son
who is keen to read on his own - and I am amazed! Initially it was just
reading the children's Storybook Bible - lots of pictures and not much
text. But this past week he's delved into the <a href="ttp://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00406X22S" target="_blank">Beast Quest</a> series. They're books that he's had lying around for years but just couldn't read.
All of a sudden he's demolishing them. This weekend he read all 8
chapters of one book, and I've been instructed to got the children's
bookshop and get the next one. Yessir !!<br />
Interestingly I see he
reads the words aloud to himself - not silently in his head. But I
thought he was reading the storybook Bible silently... I'll keep a look
out and see how it rolls. I'm just so impressed at the progress. Of
course, we're making a big fuss of this new skill.<br />
<br />
Calvin is reading happily too, however it's competitive and not so much for pleasure. He's ploughing through Roald Dahl's <i>George's Marvellous Medicine</i>. And is terribly keen to harvest the points he know he'll get for each page he reads.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Points
you ask ? yes, we have a point system for the boys. It's directly
correlated with pocket money. We give points as a motivator for alot of
things eg. good behaviour, considerate behaviour, kindness, bringing
plates to the kitchen after a meal, reading, correcting behaviour (eg.
teaching Calvin that skid-marks in your underpants aren't necessary),
listening well, etc. Initially we'd started out with a add and subtract
system, but the therapist felt that Zack needed to have ONLY successes
on that board, so we don't subtract points any more. Children know that
"consequences" are really just another word for punishment because they
aren't empowered. So we continue on the points system.<br />
<br />
On
the schooling front, we had a surprising breakthrough last week
Wednesday - I had a call from St Christopher's to say that they'd like
to meet Zack and set up an assessment date in the new term. I was blown
away and soooo relieved. That's persistence for you - I've written to
them faithfully whenever we've had information to add, and tried to keep
them up to date with what we know, and when they can hope to see more.<br />
<br />
Zack and I paid <a href="http://www.limespringschool.co.uk/welcome.html" target="_blank">Limespring</a> a visit last week too - for a walk around, and a chance to see the facilities himself. Denise (the head teacher) was excellent - she addressed him directly and made him feel important and at ease.
We've put them down as our Plan A for the start of Year 5 - that Zack
will either attend Limespring in addition to St James, or go to
Limespring full time. A big concern is socialization, but that's a hoop
we'll jump through once we've got all the pieces in place. We're also
anxious about transitioning. How will Zack cope with changing from one
school to another, and potentially a third, if he is offered a place at
St Chris? How do we make it as smooth as possible, while supporting his
learning needs ? It's complex.<br />
<br />
Today he came home from school with a piece of paper with everyone's names on it, and someone (apparently the other <i>Zach</i>
in his class) had written 'goodbye Zack' at the top of the page. It's a
tough one because we HAVEN'T said he's leaving the school.<br />
<br />
It's
been a very rough hard bedtime. He has been MASSIVELY O.D.D.
(Oppositional Defiance disorder), shouting at Keith, "Dad is an idiot!"<br />
And,
"Shut up" at me. He's just upped the ante more and more. Screaming at
us, "you don't care!" "you are such meanies!" "Don't you ignore me!",
and 'saintly us', we come back time and again saying, "your behaviour is
not okay."<br />
And "we don't have to give you attention if you treat us like this."<br />
hell, it's just another episode.<br />
Now he's screaming, "I know what your'e feeling Mom. And you should feel like that!"<br />
Uh huh. <br />
It's so tiring. I hate it. There are days when I could just wring his neck !Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-62796661969957795642015-06-03T22:52:00.000+01:002015-07-13T21:38:03.173+01:00Ed Psych gatewaySo we've been waiting for more than 6 weeks for an Educational Psychologist's assessment to be done so that we can have something more concrete to work with. And more particularly, something that ISN'T inside the <i>psychotherapy "fold"</i>, which is where we've felt a bit trapped this past while. Seems like such a straightforward thing to find an Ed Psych and then have it done, but the wait has felt interminable and I was very relieved when Monday rolled around. Turns out she's a Clinical Psych focused on neuro-developmental assessment.<br />
We were given her name by a friend who runs a dyslexic clinic nearby, and although I'd contacted another Ed Psych too, these people are certainly in no hurry to return your call.<br />
Finally the day has dawned. Zack really put his best foot forward and gave it everything he had, calmly and with purpose for all of the 4 hours that it took.<br />
The outcome will present itself in the form of an Executive Report initially, to be followed with a full Ed Psych Report in a few week's time. In the interim we've been given a final set of B.R.I.E.F. questionnaires to fill out which focus on elements that presented themselves from Monday's tests.<br />
It seems Zack has elements of dyspraxia, and dyslexia and a very big slice of <a href="http://www.spdfoundation.net/" target="_blank">Sensory Processing Disorder</a> (SPD) thrown into the mix. He has a low <a href="http://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/understanding-executive-functioning-issues" target="_blank">'executive function</a>' (read <a href="http://theautisticme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/executive-function.html" target="_blank">this</a>) and low working memory. He is <a href="http://spdlife.org/symptoms/sensory-seeking.html" target="_blank">sensory seeking</a> which feeds into so many of his disruptive tendencies. It's quite hard at this stage to separate the ODD, the emotional and behavioural issues in general, this 'executive function' issue, and the SPD needs, as I think the fidgeting and disruptive tendencies, may also just be his inability to sit still, and not be in other people's personal space. But he definitely is defiant because of his response when told to stop. Perhaps, with time, he'll come to understand his own foibles, and that'll make him more able to curb the things that wind people up the most. Poor little chap, it's not an easy journey.<br />
We had a 20 page questionnaire and the school had a similar one to fill in. The SENCO's covering letter said something like :<br />
'Dear X<br />
The parents have been unwilling for us to appoint our own Educational Psychologist...<br />
blah blah blah... '<br />
Keith and I nearly blew a gasket - where the f*** do these people get off ? Honestly ! We have begged and pleaded for them to allocate resources to Zack but NO, he is not a big enough problem. He is only enough trouble for them to write letters to us about, and to put him in detention, and punish by excluding him, but they can't pick up the phone and call the local educational team and ask them to send someone or a few someones. Nope. Zack doesn't have 'special needs' and only special needs get resources. fuck fuck fuck.<br />
It beggars belief.<br />
<br />
One of the answers the teacher put on her questionnaire was that Zack's class mates are "fed up" with him. And I thought that was pretty honest. That really does sum up my impression of his peers' feeling toward him. No wonder he feels so lonely and isolated. I was telling the mother of the only special needs boy in his class yesterday, and she "had no idea" that Zack had any issues. She was also very surprised that he too had been invited to no birthday parties this year, just like her son.<br />
<br />
If Zack didn't have us, fighting his corner, defending his myriad
**insignificantly big enough issues**, they would write him off and not
bother to sort out that fact that he can't read and he can't spell. And he doesn't have a modicum of attention required to get through school. And he constantly fidgets and touches other children. Helllooooo people !!!<br />
<br />
I try so hard not to feel defensive.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-75351500328201854902015-04-30T14:06:00.000+01:002015-04-30T14:06:44.406+01:00More thoughtsI spend a huge chunk of my waking hours thinking about all of this - mulling it over. I'm reading a very accessible book at the moment called <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0415564646/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=569136327&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1843123754&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=0BCCYGJJSFNQWZWSPJY8" target="_blank">"That's the Way I Think"</a> by David Grant, which has been enormously insightful on dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD. Obviously our talking and thinking with our therapist and with Zack's is ongoing. I am still leaning on the schooling door, and have an appointment with a clinical psychologist for early June - this will help us to have something more tangible when going to schools and asking for a place. My hopes were, and still are, that we'll be able to find Zack a new school for year 5 but... it's going to require a miracle. Somewhere.<br />
In the meantime though, I've been aware for some time now, that we only dwell on the negative and the difficult and the challenges. So much has happened in the past few years that it's almost eclipsed the happy memories of the early years with him. So I've started going through the archives and printing photos from 2011-2015. It's important for us all really to remember the happy, bubbly boy that still is <i>inside there somewhere</i>, and hopefully with the visual reference make it more possible.<br />
As such here follow a few :<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJFzK0_2Lra3TBRQ1j6DKM5ndtAGsSkL4bO9JLQ4tzOF04ReeLXahHd2ELNcm_PQf9uEk3vS7Fykr9qLlWmzOKl72eQjWKMrwYR_NVi4h4QJ-pBAqx7v6GZHnwrRUe3R157Mvc/s1600/2015-boys-3182.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJFzK0_2Lra3TBRQ1j6DKM5ndtAGsSkL4bO9JLQ4tzOF04ReeLXahHd2ELNcm_PQf9uEk3vS7Fykr9qLlWmzOKl72eQjWKMrwYR_NVi4h4QJ-pBAqx7v6GZHnwrRUe3R157Mvc/s1600/2015-boys-3182.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christmas 2014 - looking a little bleary eyed but delighted 'the day has dawned'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HNQL2b_QrLSeoVR6_UzxGf2UQ3V71CB9fx3LX0HaJIyD7EVuODYsI7ZNN76WknK9jnj15TnTIV1AqMTB-fVd77SVwrqUWwZXxJ_thjJIgCT3CX03P8By5TKTBjwaEyHF-3mF/s1600/2015-boys-3308.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HNQL2b_QrLSeoVR6_UzxGf2UQ3V71CB9fx3LX0HaJIyD7EVuODYsI7ZNN76WknK9jnj15TnTIV1AqMTB-fVd77SVwrqUWwZXxJ_thjJIgCT3CX03P8By5TKTBjwaEyHF-3mF/s1600/2015-boys-3308.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">scallywags in one place, standing still, looking at the camera – a rare occasion</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-4068843398260088922015-04-27T22:53:00.000+01:002015-04-27T22:53:37.665+01:00THE LOW DOWNWe got to a point where we really needed more answers so we took Zack to a psychiatrist, recommended by the psychotherapists. She has diagnosed him with some autistic traits (so he's neither autistic, NOR on the autistic spectrum, but exhibits some traits - which, now that I've done quite a lot of reading, are common in MOST HUMAN BEINGS!). He has developed a lack of social awareness and empathy, a lack of impulse control, obstructive, confrontational and non-compliant behaviour - whahey ! it's not rocket science.<br />
Zack is suffering from depression, but he is also suffering from despair. No surprises there!<br />
The sad, sad news though is that we cannot medicate him... we can't help him by removing the highs and the lows chemically. He has to keep going, however hard it is for all of us. No drugs - it's too risky. We were gutted to hear.<br />
She is sure he doesn't have ADHD nor is he bipolar. That's something! a little twinkle.<br />
He has O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiant disorder) which basically comes down to a 'naughty child' label. It's negative and disruptive behaviour aimed at those in authority, particularly parents and teachers. Apparently it's very common in kids with ADHD... BUT Zack doesn't have ADHD. hmmm....<br />
At some point in his early emotional development he has gone off on a different path. Some of the resulting behaviours have now become quite entrenched and will be difficult to unlearn. She was optimistic: it is possible with the “right” support, and we hope that he’ll be able to find his way back to a ‘normal’ trajectory, or at least learn coping mechanisms to do so.<br />
She said the very best thing we could do now is find him a new school which will offer more emotional support and change the approach to his therapy. Guess what I'm doing with my time ?!<br />
It's been quite an arduous journey thus far... who knows whether we'll find a school in time. There are days when I feel hopeless, there are days when I think there's a glimmer.<br />
I recognise that I just have to take it one day at a time. That's all there is.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-87574029747337136712015-01-31T00:00:00.000+00:002015-02-08T23:57:17.440+00:00HARSHHmmm... and we keep moving forward. The last few weeks of January, back at school, have been very up and down. First week was okay, second week was the worst we've had in the past 7 months, and the last week has been better. We were trying to connect the dots about what had pre-empted the terrible week: What changed? what's what what? what? That's what we spend most of our time doing in therapy. slowly un-picking the <i>"what happened"</i> of the past week.<br />
Have you read "The Shock of the Fall"? by <a href="http://nathanfiler.co.uk/" target="_blank">Nathan Filer</a><br />
<br />
On the back of the horrible Xmas holidays, I started looking at stuff online. I've also been going through my own personal crisis - wanting to exit, leave the family home, feeling like nothing I do or say is any help. Feeling useless, unappreciated, broken down, hated.<br />
Sometimes I feel like our family is crashing, smashing, disintegrating, falling apart, crisis-ing, imploding, collapsing in very. slow. motion.<br />
<br />
This poem and it's corollary were very much on my lips that last January week :<br />
<div class="tab-content active" id="poem-top">
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055" target="_blank"><b>This Be The Verse</b></a></div>
<span class="author">By <a href="http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/philip-larkin"> Philip Larkin</a></span><br />
<span class="author"> </span>
<br />
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They fuck you up, your mum and dad. </div>
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They may not mean to, but they do. </div>
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They fill you with the faults they had </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
And add some extra, just for you. </div>
<br />
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
But they were fucked up in their turn </div>
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By fools in old-style hats and coats, </div>
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Who half the time were soppy-stern </div>
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And half at one another’s throats. </div>
<br />
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Man hands on misery to man. </div>
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It deepens like a coastal shelf. </div>
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Get out as early as you can, </div>
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And don’t have any kids yourself.</div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Philip Larkin, “This Be the Verse” from <b>Collected Poems</b>. Used by permission of The Society of Authors as the Literary Representative of the Estate of Philip Larkin.</i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name">
<b>
<a href="http://www.morethannuclear.com/2011/11/they-tuck-you-up-by-adrian-mitchell.html" target="_blank">They Tuck You Up</a></b></div>
<div class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name">
by Adrian Mitchell</div>
<div class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name">
<br /></div>
<div class="post-header">
</div>
They tuck you up, your mum and dad <br />
They read you Peter Rabbit, too. <br />
They give you all the treats they had <br />
And add some extra, just for you.<br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a><br />
They were tucked up when they were small, <br />
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke), <br />
By those whose kiss healed any fall, <br />
Whose laughter doubled any joke.<br />
<br />
Man hands on happiness to man. <br />
It deepens like a coastal shelf. <br />
So love your parents all you can <br />
And have some cheerful kids yourself.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(This poem, a response to <a href="http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm">this one</a>,
obviously, was inspired by a broadcaster's attempt to avoid swearing
before the watershed when mentioning this poem. It was released online
before it was published in any collection, and there seem to be many
versions floating round the internet. In any case, it rarely fails to
bring tears to my eyes.)</i></span><br />
<br />
Balance is good. It's nice to see both sides of the coin. I do feel that we fall ONLY into one of them tho', and that is enormously depressing. What can you do or say to make things change ? I have no idea. We are out of options. Out of personal reserves. Out of plans A, B, C, D and E. I don't have a little cat Zee to pull out of my hat. I'm fucked.<br />
<br />
I've been in a huge amount of physical pain the last week - I've managed to wrench my neck somehow doing some heavy pulling while training, so my cartilage on my vertebrae is inflamed. horribly inflamed. I've spent days at home, good stints in bed. I've shut everything down. It's been tough with the kids - their little lives continue apace, and mummy being "man-down" doesn't really stand in the way of rugby, football, karate, birthday parties, music practice, school trips, and all the rest of the "must get done's" in their lives. It's further driven me to moments of wanting to just opt out. I have no support - no-one I can turn to support me practically. I have booked the babysitters in for the nights that we cannot miss eg. psychiatrist appointment. But on a day-to-day basis I must soldier on. Regardless.<br />
<br />
this is not what I wanted. I want happy times. Times when we laugh together and are happy. there are so, so few of those. We seem to spend so much time screaming at Zack, and him screaming at us. And then us both sitting, late at night, trying to think of new strategies for dealing with his :<br />
. lack of self esteem<br />
. inability to self-moderate<br />
. refusal to comply, follow instructions, stick to the rules<br />
. comfort eating<br />
. need to have a drama about almost everything<br />
. craving for physical touch<br />
. self-loathing after the events<br />
. tantrums in the face of 'boundaries'<br />
. resistance to change<br />
. inability to transition<br />
. insolence, anger, rage and physical aggression<br />
I honestly don't have a fucking clue. I'm just tired. Dog tired.<br />
<br />
And to end - I happened upon this website on "<a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child" target="_blank">parenting strong willed children</a>" by Dr. Laura Markham. And the bit that struck me the most on the parenting tools page, was <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/use-positive-discipline" target="_blank">this item</a> #10 on being HARSH with your children and how it fucks them up. I'm fucked up and I can see a direct causal link. It takes years, decades to fix the stuff that formed me when I was young. I still, at age 43, cannot think that I am worth-ful, have value, should be listened to. I always put myself last, and let people walk all over me, I create the fucked-up relationship that I had with my own mother, in many other relationships, because that's what I "know", and familiar is best when it comes to psychiatry. I hate that. I absolutely hate that.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-29083163818865452682014-12-27T21:52:00.002+00:002014-12-27T22:11:58.283+00:00Basically he's deficated all over XmasOur Christmas period has been held to ransom by our 8-year-old. There have been highs but there have been significant lows. He goes into a hole and he takes us all with him. I'm sick to death of it - it's just bullsh*t. A family of four has to lock into a child of eight's emotional yo yo'ing. It's total and utter kak! If he's getting his own way, then it's all A-okay, but if he's frustrated, upset, can't do what he wants to, then we all have to go into free-fall, shit hole, crap city. I don't think so. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in the New Year. I will soon be making an appointment with a second psychiatrist to get a second opinion. The problem with psychiatry is that child development is still in its infancy, if not, its teens. "they" don't really know do "they"?!! It's a guessing game. When you look online and you talk to people, they are either in camp A = medicating their children with Ritalin and god-knows-what-else; or camp B = natural remedies and therapy (and that's IF their kids will talk).There's <a href="http://familychildcareacademy.com/basic-theories-and-principles-of-child-development/" target="_blank">the myriad of approaches</a> in between. We have to fall in there somewhere. What else is there to do ? Zack is angry. Zack is eight years old. Why is he angry ? We don't know. He can't tell us. Everyone has to guess. But in the interim, we all have to live in the tsunami that is his reality : up - down - up - down. Our wagon is hitched to his wagon and it's the wrong way round. He is a child. He needs to feel safe. But he tries EACH AND EVERY DAY to wrestle power from his parents. He wants to dictate how this goes, but I dig my heels in and Daddy is softer than me. So it ends up being inconsistent. It's infuriating.<br />
My line now is to just remove myself whenever he exhibits behaviour that is undesireable : he shouts at me, I leave. You try and be physical with me (pushing or physically threatening), I leave - usually after trying to go the humorous route. You're rude to me, I leave. You are demanding AFTER bed time, I leave (he will try almost ANYTHING to get you to give him attention after bedtime). You attack your younger brother during the day, without provocation, we leave. You swear, we leave. You break the agreed parameters, we leave. Isolation seems to be the only way to deal with him.<br />
Zack has very little understanding of "you did this, it's your doing. There are consequences for the things you've done." He often responds in a <i>pickle</i> with, "it's NOT MY FAULT!!!!" And I respond, "I'm afraid it is your fault Zack. You did this. And this is the consequence of your action." He hates that. His therapist says he doesn't want to face reality - oh. so. true.<br />
I'm so so so tired of the approach that says we need to treat him like a 2 year old. When I do that, he just takes the piss. Yeah! Yeah! his therapist says that he is not responsible, he makes no connections. That he is a child, ENTIRELY driven by IMPULSES. He doesn't know what he's doing. He sees no connection between how he behaves (when he's "overwhelmed by his emotions") and the consequences (our frustration and exasperation; and worse - injuring other children, saying things that are completely inappropriate)<br />
There are so many fears out there - what will he be ? what's the worst thing he'll do ? how "damaged" will he be at the end of all these years of childhood ? is he resilient ? why can't I fix it ? how can I protect him ? How do I prepare him for adulthood (surely that's my biggest responsibility?)... But fear is not a good motivator. Recognising that he and I are separate (yes, this is particularly hard for a mother to do. surprise, surprise!) and that I am NOT responsible for who he is, what he does, or the outcome of his actions.<br />
Late at night, when he has mastered his emotions and has perspective on his day (useful, but also entirely useless), he can see how A led to B. But when he's in the midst of it, he is overwhelmed by how he "feels" and is unable to master these feelings, he is just the whirlwind into which we all get sucked. It's exhausting because just like he denies any culpability, he despises having to re-visit any of his transgressions. Nighttime is the only time we can, so it makes nighttime hard. We can't do it every night. Gotta time it right.<br />
My New Year's resolution on the 28th of December is : we gotta fix this! I think that <i>some</i> drugs may be the answer. Time will tell.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinmPIFj1GMBOlBppj1rID8kBSEPghVZtDHcSNTp3ydqSeHTbQ1clWTo6v4gF5WqejWUFNucyV76GuKQ8nHH4JlWmes03hiMQ6mZ94UK1_89jhcqqv7RwT_07QYsytE89w5Uesj/s1600/CalvinxHobbes_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinmPIFj1GMBOlBppj1rID8kBSEPghVZtDHcSNTp3ydqSeHTbQ1clWTo6v4gF5WqejWUFNucyV76GuKQ8nHH4JlWmes03hiMQ6mZ94UK1_89jhcqqv7RwT_07QYsytE89w5Uesj/s1600/CalvinxHobbes_2.jpg" height="315" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>my favourite cartoonist produces something likened to Zack on a happy day... Most people on a happy day to be fair... BUT: reality check!! : no-one really cares, unless you're 1 Direction or Kim K</i></div>
Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-60662886669977163812014-12-20T23:37:00.001+00:002014-12-20T23:37:44.108+00:00how deep is the hole ?It has been an shockingly difficult few weeks with Zack. His behaviour has completely nose-dived in the past 18 days. Is it the end of term ? What has precipitated this ? We've spent time thinking and talking about it. Keith was away in the States 6 weeks ago. I was away in Jordan 3 weeks ago. So yes, there's been some 'missing' bodies from home; but the rest of the activities and commitments have remained the same - unchanged, predictable. We've been in regular contact while away - both Keith and I. We constantly reassure that we'll be back, and do in fact return.<br />
Things at school came to a head two weeks ago on Friday 5 December. Zack did something he shouldn't have. It was significant enough for us to write to the headteacher over the weekend about it. We were called in for a meeting. We have since had a second meeting with the teacher, senco and our therapist. Zack has continued to free-fall into one transgression after the next. I was very relieved that the end of term rolled around on Friday. I don't think anyone had any energy left.<br />
It's not been great. Zack has feigned the suicidal thing again. He is very rough with Keith and I. There are times when I wonder "what next?". It's scary.<br />
My dear friend X has said to me again and again, you need to move him to another school. We would if we had one. I think we need to renew our efforts and the search.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-80310207701939163312014-12-01T00:00:00.000+00:002014-12-20T23:20:42.185+00:00another gold nuggetSo the Christmas season is fast approaching and Calvin has been giving it a lot of thought - as he is want to do. One night at bedtime he comes out with this absolute gem...<br />
<br />
Calvin : I know what I want to be one day Mommy<br />
Me : Oh really. That sounds good. tell me what it is ?<br />
Calvin : I want to be a postman. In Lapland.<br />
Me : Aaahhh. And why is that ?<br />
Calvin : So that I can deliver the mail to Santa and see him.<br />
Me : <i>(raised eyebrows)</i> Wow! I'd never thought of that. What a great job. You could !<br />
<br />
The discussion went on some, but what a bright little imp he is. And cunning - he's been drafting a letter to Santa since September, and often dropped the question, "Is Father Christmas real?". My standard reply has been that if you believe in him, he is real. Some discussion about staying up late has elicited the standard-parental-line, "If you aren't asleep, he won't come".<br />
<br />
The smart little mind has confounded all the theory and gone straight to the home address - Lapland. And who would have free access to that address ? the postman.<br />
<br />
He did concede that it'll be pretty cold up there.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-60543717836304269772014-10-09T23:27:00.000+01:002014-10-09T23:27:19.719+01:00a little nuggetTonight we got home to a delightful bit of news from the babysitter.... What Calvin said :<br />
<br />
• when asked what he wanted to be when he grows up, he gave it some thought, and then said, "I want to be a daddy, and do the things that daddys do."<br />
• he loves being tickled as he goes to sleep, and the babysitter commented on how soft his skin is. His response? "Ah, that's because there's no friction!" he said. (He's been studying friction at school).<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>always nice to have <a href="http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/FunnyKidsCartoons.html" target="_blank">something</a> to smile about</i></div>
<br />Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-65433102267231280322014-10-01T12:00:00.000+01:002014-10-08T17:46:09.670+01:00Bon vacances. Bonne chanceOr should I say "buona fortuna" and "buona vacanza" because we spent our holiday in Italy - 2 weeks of sunshine. And the final week of the school hols back home in London. The last 10 days were really very smooth and peaceful, all things considered. With no therapy to go to, and no school pressures, it does beg the question, "are we where we are because of the pressures of modern life?". The problem is, this life is not avoidable. Our livelihoods are tied up in <i>the Big Smoke</i>. We are neither farmers nor arborists. I have no desire to go and live in a small village where everyone knows your business. There is more than enough pressure on Zack right now, from his school mates, his peers, people in the wider social circle and our neighbours, to uproot us all and "opt out" of an urban existence. That would be traumatic for me, Keith and both children. We're staying in the city.<br />
<br />
I spent a most worthwhile evening on the horn to a friend who's son has also struggled alot, around this age (8yrs+). It's so hard to know what to do, what to think, where to go from here. My friend has said not to dither, not to hesitate, but to act. I feel like I'm being too passive, sitting still. But at the same time, I see the value of just sitting with a problem and looking at it from different angles. An impulsive action is often driven by emotional overload, and the desire to survive overrules common-sense. I've submitted an application to a private school in Hampstead, in the hope that they'll grant us an interview if there's a place in the new year.<br />
<br />
I've started making enquiries into a full-time nanny. The cost is crippling. I'm re-thinking it each week. <br />
<br />
Zack is still going to therapy. We are still seeing a therapist too. There are times when I want to chuck in the towel, when it all seems pointless. But then we have a week where I see real value in Zack's therapy - when I can draw a straight line between his coping and incidents that have occurred. That's when it's also hard, because we've toyed with the idea of his going more frequently, but I don't think that he'd agree.<br />
<br />
On a more positive note, he has had enormous success with rugby this term. We've had a few training sessions which have gone well - including incidents when he was high-tackled, kids jumped on his head when he was on the ground, getting kicked in the back and sworn at. All of which he's dealt with very well. He is much more resilient, much more.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-23626080547136896082014-08-04T14:51:00.004+01:002014-08-04T14:51:53.522+01:00it's been a whole weekSo after much deliberation, angst and consideration we decided that Zack could go on a week's camp during the holidays. It's run by a group called <a href="http://www.cpas.org.uk/" target="_blank">CPAS</a>. I spoke to every parent I know who's kids have been on one and the all spoke of it in glowing terms, talking about the great team who run it, the care, the experience they bring to the event, the other children, the friends they'll make, the activities they'll do. So last week we drove down to a spot in the sticks and left our 8 year old son in the care of people we've not met before (bar one - a friend from church who's a co-leader).<br />
<br />
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We wrote to him on Monday and he sent us a postcard which arrived on Friday. We worried and fretted about how it was going. We looked at the emergency number and wondered if it would ring. It didn't. We didn't hear a thing. In the meantime Calvin was clingy and demanding. I was at his beck and call the entire week with one thing and the next. He got to do lots of fun things that he enjoys like going horse riding, softplay, seeing friends, hamburgers with dad, and more. We were busy and our lives were so much quieter and calmer. It was palpable - like the volume had been turned down.<br />
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".<br />
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.<br />
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.<br />
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.<br />
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up. <br />
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?<br />
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.<br />
<br />
<b>Last week's review session:</b><br />
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this. <br />
<i> - Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.</i><br />
He does not have ADHD.<br />
<i>- So what do we do?</i><br />
<i>He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.</i><br />
<i>He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control. </i><br />
<i>He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??</i><br />
<br />
We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...<br />
Honestly?<br />
<br />
Two things in response to<br />
anonymous critics online : <br />
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)<br />
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...<br />
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point
of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- <i>To Kill a Mockingbird</i> by Harper Lee. Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-38598733581616816212014-07-10T23:31:00.000+01:002014-07-10T23:32:49.272+01:00I cannot bear my eight year old's behaviour<b>Taking stock </b><br />
Our son has been seeing a child psycho-therapist for 10 months. We see our own therapist as a complimentary therapy to everything that our son is enduring. We hoped psycho-therapy would make a difference - life is excruciating at home. The idea with therapy is that it becomes a receptacle for the "difficult" emotions, eg. anger, rage, frustration; and thereby alleviates the pressure in school- and home-situations. Now that his teacher is 'playing ball', things at school seem to be infinitismally better, but life at home has got harder and harder. We are not finding our dealings with our son easier, instead we are finding them harder, more volatile, more extreme, more high and low. He is more horrific in his dealings with us. I am sick-to-death of the screaming and vitriol. I don't have any energy, any joy, any strength left. I am now seeing my own therapist twice a week to "get through" each week. It's impossible to not feel resentful, not to hate your child's behaviour. The destruction and pain it wreaks, ripples on for days.<br />
<br />
<b>Environment</b><br />
We had a meeting with the school to discuss his behaviour. It is BLATANTLY obvious that they're only interested in 1) good behaviour and 2) academic results, so that they can get the OFSTED ratings that they so covet and want to retain. That means there is no room for caring or EQ. They cannot proffer any emotional support to children, that's the kid's f--king own problem. All I hear is how much the headteacher cares about the children and pours herself into providing for them, helping them, assisting them. But my experience of my son being verbally bullied by other children, being spat on, being very slowly and cunningly excluded and side-lined, means I have 0% faith in those statements.<br />
There are courses of action that the school has embarked on, without our consent, that have compromised the psycho-therapy. This past meeting left me with the impression that the bi-weekly "huddle" groups devised by the SENCO are a mixed group of children, boys and girls. The truth is that problem/ disruptive/ challenging BOYS are being pulled out and thrown together for a period of time, so that they aren't a (visible) problem during assembly. The school is putting a positive spin on it, but I think they're deliberately trying to put on a "show" of perfectly behaved children. Particularly in Friday assemblies, when parents of one of the classes (each class gets a turn, week after week) are on site for the entire assembly. Any issues would then be "on show" for all the world to see, and discuss, and mull over and JUDGE... so it's much safer to pull out the non-co-operative kids and put them in a separate room. Yup! that's what they're doing.<br />
<br />
The reality is that my son is f--king hard work. He's a pain in the a-s-. He isn't a perfect little, vanilla, sit-quietly, listen-attentively, don't-rock-the-boat, kind of boy. He has a big personality, he is demanding, he is creative, he wants to show you that he can, he wants to be the star of the class, he wants to shine, to be praised. But there is SO f--king LITTLE of that to go around, and the only ones who get any praise, don't have Y chromosomes.<br />
<br />
<b>Our part in all this </b><br />
I want to help. I want psycho-therapy to make a difference. We have altered our approach to parenting, we have felt completely at sea, we have drifted with the tide of rage and tantrums and been ship-wrecked on the rocks of despair. I don't have any answers, but there isn't anyone who does. We just take things a day at a time. Most of the time the days are piled high with shit, but we have moments of victory. This week, so far, I have had a few trips into school without incident, but mostly the day is stacked high with challenging, angry, raging, behaviour.<br />
We are putting our trust and our hope in psycho-therapy, but definitely feel that we need to do more. There is NO-ONE to turn to. We don't know anyone who's been through this. Our own parents are completely useless - the tools that they've bequeathed to us are shite, useless and damaging. They don't have answers. Our friends are helpless and useless. Our true friends are standing by us, but that's just a 'shoulder to cry on'. We have experienced a crisis of faith - loyalty to God, Jesus and the church. True, we have gone through so much more than just this parenting issue (repeated crimes, fabric of our home poisoned with dry-rot, deceitful home sellers, depression, and so forth), but the subject of this blog is parenting, and coping as a family. It's been a crisis, and I have felt like I'm flayed by life.<br />
<br />
<b>Ahead ?</b><br />
Following a weekend of extreme behaviour, on the back of a very difficult Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, we find ourselves asking the very big question about Zack's ability to turn himself around. We are trying everything to repair and mend and change his environment. That will take time. He does believe that he is unloveable, which is soul-destroying to watch as a mother. You can say "I love you" a million times, and it amounts to nought. He doesn't believe it.<br />
His motivation, every day, in almost every action, is to prove to himself, that he is a failure, that he is not worth anything, that he isn't love-able, that he is friendless for a reason. It is no longer a daily thing, but is happening hourly in our home. The destruction, chaos and pain that it causes is harrowing. Both watching it play out; living with the aftermath of emotions; seeing the damage it does to your marital relationship; trying to contain the crippling effect it has on other siblings. We are both at the end of our tether - husband says he could endure much more, but I'm on my knees, on my face, lying prostrate on the ground, sobbing... waving a white flag....<br />
<br />
I. . . . . . . . give . . . . . . . . . .up<br />
<br />
I just can't go on like this any more. Something has to change.<br />
So many putrifactions of advice have been given, so much arm-chair diagnoses has been made, that I am cautious to commit to any course of action.<br />
However, in the face of a groundswell of evidence I do think that we are going to have to consider that our son has ADHD.<br />
In my books, that is a swear-word. ADHD is some shite made up by Novartis to sell it's product.<br />
I've been pouring over all the online articles, all the opinions, all the stories.<br />
I'm going for some medical advice tomorrow, from a local paediatric MD/doc. Watch this space.... Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-60334308454486010082014-07-02T12:00:00.000+01:002014-07-10T22:35:13.815+01:00Oh! to Conquer ourselves...<i>"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - <b>Buddha</b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
the journey continues...<br />
So we had our meeting with the head teacher, <a href="http://www.specialeducationalneeds.co.uk/senco.html" target="_blank">Senco</a>, class teacher on Tuesday. Bits of it were positive. Too much of felt like what we were saying fell on deaf ears. We spoke about the spitting incident - raised, courageously, by the therapist - it feel on dumb, deaf, heartless, soulless ears. It's not helpful, it's not kind, it's not making me feel like they are 'on side'.<br />
Honestly... it appeared that the school were defensive. There was a lot of gushy, "Oh! yes! we do this.. and we do that... and we're ALWAYS trying to build him up, be encouraging."<br />
We questioned them on the dreaded "B" word.<br />
Response : (deadpan) "No, there is no bullying in his class."<br />
What am I supposed to infer from that ?<br />
**f--kers**<br />
My gut instinct is that these people are not to be trusted, but that at the moment, we have no choice. This is the institution that our son is enrolled in. In fact we have more than one child there, so there ARE consequences.<br />
Good advice would say "<i>Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.</i>" but right now, I don't see any way of being a brown-noser to the headteacher and school secretary. The latter is an absolute f--king bitch, with a massive log in her cornea, the former is too powerful to tangle with. The ripples will affect the future of the innocents. It's a no-go-zone.<br />
I do feel f--ked by the system. I did hate school. I was always delighted to be away from it all - part of me is a snob. Lowest common denominator: having to be mates with every single spiteful little bitch that's in your class, in your year, is soul-destroying. No-one listened and no-one cared.<br />
I don't want the same for my sons.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-4044878153323395112014-06-19T13:22:00.001+01:002014-06-19T14:38:55.111+01:00taking it up a notchit has been ANOTHER extremely difficult week. Last week Wednesday I got an email from the Headteacher to say that Zack had hurt another child in his class, Eden. When I questioned Zack about it he was very angry - he felt I was going to tell him off too, but I just wanted to understand what happened. He was probably also ashamed about the incident. It transpires that he and Danny (ongoing challenging peer) were playing "what's the time Mr Wolf" and he turned around too quickly, tripped and fell forward into Eden. They were in a line of children and so Zack fell into Eden's stomach. It wasn't intentional. However, this somehow happened again...<br />
At this point you despair as a mother.<br />
But Zack says it wasn't deliberate - it seems they were being silly boys, and Eden was still in front of him in the queue when he swung his arms out the second time.<br />
<br />
And then on Thursday afternoon we were robbed - burgled in the middle of the day between 12:30 and 14:30. they took laptops, iPad, other bits and pieces but the big loss is the jewellery. I'm an idiot for keeping it all together so neatly. What an easy haul! It's been traumatic.<br />
<br />
Zack wet his bed on Sunday night. Calvin has been having nightmares. Keith and I have been rowing.<br />
<br />
On Monday Zack didn't want to participate in chess - he wanted to just watch and not take part. His coach was quite relaxed about it when he told me, and was sympathetic when I explained that we'd had a burglary and that it had affected Zack.<br />
<br />
Last Friday, I'd taken Zack to the doctor to have a discussion about his hayfever which is awful at the moment. He can't breath in the mornings and evenings so we are now on a syrup, ventilator, eye drops and a nasal spray - the WHOLE caboodle. It seems to have had an impact ! Thank God for one sympathetic doctor.<br />
<br />
However, when he took the medication into school on Monday, there was a unnecessary, very negative reaction from the school: I popped in to speak to each class teacher, to explain about the children being unsettled from the burglary. Ho hum - Zack's class teacher is OFF for two days AGAIN, so I couldn't talk to her. I then popped into the office to ask the secretary about their email, as I've been trying to arrange a meeting with the head, Zack's class teacher, the Senco, Zack's therapist, our therapist and ourselves. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. They don't seem to feel there's any hurry. It's infuriating. Apparently their email had been down for days, so I said I'd print out my email and bring it in. With all the emotion and questions about the burglary from teachers and other parents, it completely slipped my mind to sign Zack's medication form.<br />
<br />
The school secretary rang me up and blasted me for not filling in a form for Zack's medication. It had slipped my mind what with trying to discuss the email and see BOTH class teachers before school started. She said the medication was going to poison children in the school, that it was strictly forbidden, and.. and.. and.. Like I'd deliberately sent the medication in to harm other children in the class, instead of helping my own. I was so shocked by her call and the antagonism in her voice that I had to ring her back and explain about the burglary and plead with her for some sympathy, while saying I would come into the office promptly and sign the forms.<br />
<br />
On Tuesday after football Zack was in a particularly morose mood - again, because a child had been sticking it to him about his size. I want to lose the fucking plot sometimes when I hear this. I see the damage children's words have done to my son, and I feel helpless in so many ways. I can't control Zack's behaviour - the silly incident earlier last week when he hurt Eden is just an example. But there seems to be a vast ocean of shit that gets dumped on him every week, which he just has to suck up. And he's ONLY 8 !! For pity's sake.<br />
<br />
You get to a tipping point. I'm tired of playing stupid games with the school where they let me know, either by email or letter about "incidents" involving Zack. I am now going into print every time Zack experiences something negative. No more mommy with a generous spirit = always patient, always kind, always polite, always giving "them" the benefit of the doubt.<br />
<br />
If the head teacher believes that she can build up some sort of evidence bundle of why Zack is being stuck in the Senco's special group, then I am going to provide her with the counter-statements that show that he is being driven to this place DAILY by other children in her school, by a class teacher who does not let up on having a go at him, and general passivity on the part of authority figures who have failed him again, and again, and again. He is surrounded by unfair treatment and adults who seem to always be telling him what to do and shouting at him. It's all he hears, day in and day out.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Wednesday 18
June 2014</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">XXX</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Headteacher</span></span></div>
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XXX</div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">XXX</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Dear XXX</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Re
: name calling incident at football yesterday afternoon</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">We
are deeply concerned about something that happened yesterday – one
of several similar incidents for Zack. On the way home from football
Zack was tired and grumpy, and then became very self-critical,
saying, “Why don't you just hit me on the head because I'm a
chubby, fat loser”. Ruth was shocked and, as you can imagine, very
saddened for him. He often feels down about himself, but hasn't said
these words before.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">She
pressed him about where he'd heard that. After a while, he said that
Jack, in year 4, had told him he is a “chubby, fat loser”. </span></span>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Please
will you have a word with this boy Jack?</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Unfortunately
there have been quite a few incidents where Zack has been teased
about his weight and size (he is a head taller than most boys in his
class). He is very sensitive about this and as you know his reaction
in these situations can be physical, wanting to push children away.
What really worries us is that this is becoming a repeated pattern of
behaviour, where different children tease him in a similar manner,
taunting him until he reacts physically. Zack is then punished for
reacting to their unkindness.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">We
have always encouraged him to take this sort of thing to an adult,
but we think he is struggling to see evidence that adults will really
defend him or address the issue meaningfully. This is not acceptable
banter and we think something needs to be raised more broadly at the
school to address this directly. </span></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">We
will make a point of raising the issue again if there are further
incidents.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Light, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yours
faithfully,</span></span></div>
Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-68441815624658688842014-06-04T00:11:00.003+01:002014-06-04T00:11:57.991+01:00No news... AIN'T good newsWondering why I've been SSOOOOOoooooo quiet ? Don't wonder. Things have been pretty i.n.s.a.n.e. here. I feel massively insecure about "talking" about it... When you talk about it, it's like confessing. When you confess it implies that you've done something wrong - that you've failed. But really we're in a situation something of our own making, but also of our child's manufacture. Nature v Nurture. You've heard it before. There is a teetering see-saw that sometimes slams down onto the ground, but then other times you're cruising and you think it's going to be okay until the next slam. Basically we're just trying to tag one another and stay calm, deal with the tantrums, our own feelings of panic, the school's seeming acts of sabotage, people's impatience, other children's cruelty, the frustration, anger, highs and lows. He's only 8, he's only 8... we keep saying to ourselves, but yes... he's only eight years old. Anyone who meets him thinks he's 10 even 11. He's tall, he's big. He "seems" to be older than he really is. But he's only 8.<br />
How do I tell people this ? I can't go to each person. Individually. and have the whole conversation with them. But how do I protect him ? He needs us to be his "shield", to care for him, to protect him from the world - people's unkindness, selfishness, insensitivity, judgemental-ness...<br />
<br />
Yes, that's what it comes down to - being judged. Are you judging me because my kid is "different" ? Are you judging me because he's "difficult" ? People tell me he's bright. He's very intelligent.<br />
<br />
I look at his peer group and they're all exhibiting this nasty attitude problem. Apparently 8 year olds have a 'testosterone blip' which makes them aggressive and full of anxiety. It's a time of sifting for them, but bloody hell, it's a time of sifting for THE entire FAMILY.<br />
<br />
Tired. Alot of the time.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-15238982185979676612014-05-03T19:28:00.002+01:002014-05-03T19:28:59.604+01:00Oh daddy, Oh!Would you like an hour or so to yourself after a Saturday-day of childcare (on top of a week of childcare)? If you pop out for coffee at 5:50pm and you come home at 7:10pm, you shouldn't worry about whether or not the kids are going to need dinner. You shouldn't have to pick up the phone and remind your husband, who is in charge, that the children need feeding. You don't need to remind him what the behavioural consequences are if you don't feed children timeously. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting a bit of time to yourself; leaving him in charge when he's got things to do, you're going to go mental if you don't leave the house NOW.<br />
You shouldn't but you DO.<br />
You shouldn't but you SHOULD HAVE.<br />
You SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.<br />
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f**kity > f**kity > f**kityBeing the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-30778805550271186262014-04-27T16:25:00.001+01:002014-04-27T16:25:11.273+01:00oh Zack. what next ?Back at our therapy sessions after a 5-week break. Ruth (our therapist) walked through a few of the holiday incidents with us. Essentially we've come to the realisation that all the tools we have for parenting - inherited from our parents - are useless. They just don't work. Growing up in South Africa, respect was something garnered from fear. Fear of physical punishment - either a hiding with the wooden spoon, or the belt. That was how the game was played...<br /><i>Parent : You respect me, or I'll beat the crap out of you.</i><br />
We are in the enviable position of having a child who at the age of 7 was already too strong to manhandle. I cannot physically lead him to his bedroom if he doesn't want to go. He is too heavy to pick up (when he's having a tantrum) or even scoop up (in slumber). So any kind of physical direction, eg. "It's time to go to your bedroom" (try and lead him there), or "You need to leave your brother alone" (try and separate them) or "Give me the iPad, you can't have it any more because you won't listen/ have broken our agreement" (try and wrestle it out of his hands), is in vain. A complete waste of time.<br />
The realisation that you have a starting point of less than zero, is a very sobering and depressing moment. I had a conversation with a friend about this during the holidays and he was horrified that I felt, I have no tools. We're the same age, and he insisted that I do have tools. So, let's see what tools I have :<br />
1. my children are not rational<br />
...A = I cannot use logic on them. My arguing about a point is wasted.<br />
2. my children don't listen very well, particularly to my voice<br />
...A = using alot of words is a waste of time.<br />
3. authority. In this present age, who has authority ?<br />
...A = I'm a provider of love, support, meals, roof, bed, clean clothing<br />
4. discipline and control<br />
...A = here is where the massive black hole exists. What do I do ?<br />
4.1 I feel desperate when Zack is physically aggressive towards Keith. I tell him not to. But what am I appealing to? His sense of obligation ? He doesn't have one. His respect of his father ? I don't think he has much. Let's "do the right thing"? Ha! what's that ? Anyone ?<br />
...A = Keith says not to worry. He's in control. But the physicality of the 'threat' (and believe me he knows, and is growing in knowledge, that he's strong) makes me fearful. I do feel like I need to "contain" that behaviour. <i>*Therapist would say, "let go of the need to "contain" or "control". Just be". My response, "Oh. Okay!" but all the while I'm worried about the future and the consequences.... </i>If I let Zack continue in this manner, he'll think it's okay to act in a menacing way when he's frustrated. Menacing towards his peers, menacing towards teachers, menacing towards other authority figures. What's the end point ?<br />
4.2 Self-regulated behaviour in society<br />
If 1, 2 and 3 are defunct, how on earth do I get my child to be a part of society? He has to learn to self-regulate. Books don't fix a damn thing but many of the lessons I've read recently have laid down the strong statistical case for children who learn to defer gratification. It's the one indicator for "success" in later life. If my son can't control himself, he can't defer anything. That means that the statistics are stacked against him - he isn't going to be able to sort out his shit in life. I can't fix that. How depressing!<br />
4.3 We need to function in school. You can't run amok. You can't just opt out of the academic flow. Getting homework done is excrutiating. I fucking hate every moment of the cajoling, the bribing and the begging. But, again, it's all about finding a NEW way without any of 1, 2 or 3. I need to be the entertainer. I need to be the parent who makes learning fun.<br />
<br />
The task is enormous and onerous.<br />
<br />
I want to sit down and weep. Alot.Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-22159191236720358672014-04-06T23:49:00.000+01:002014-04-07T00:08:18.352+01:00it's tooth time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURpEprhdd4AjQ0Pvz_cObqsq-fcVtFbgDCsCLDOxUCl67DqT5Vtj-IFqWKA9fdYetPK-Jy047IRe699JfgdAkTysOsmNjYeOvCGjJ_q_mQrwE1BYihyphenhyphenHIn_CHs_S_MN2Johr2/s3200/calvintooth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURpEprhdd4AjQ0Pvz_cObqsq-fcVtFbgDCsCLDOxUCl67DqT5Vtj-IFqWKA9fdYetPK-Jy047IRe699JfgdAkTysOsmNjYeOvCGjJ_q_mQrwE1BYihyphenhyphenHIn_CHs_S_MN2Johr2/s3200/calvintooth.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Calvin lost his first tooth this week - bless him!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And Zack pulled out his 10th tooth (he counted them) this evening...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I'm running out of change.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Zack knows that "we" are the toothfairy. Calvin doesn't, so I'm having to remind Zack carefully, that he can't let the cat out of the bag. He asked me very earnestly the morning after the tooth fairy visited, "who" had put the money in the little, wooden tooth jar. I said, "Mommy & Daddy both did, AND THAT MEANS that the tooth fairy brought the money," OK?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I think he got the message. Sheesh ! the loss of innocence, and the end of naivety. It all takes so much PR. I'm exhausted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And now I've got to find another couple of pound coins to put under the eldest's pillow. Best I go and do that. Tooth fairy hat on</span>Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14512300.post-46745106622871336172014-02-24T00:16:00.000+00:002014-02-24T00:16:44.183+00:00khuluma : family meetinghad a stroke of genius recently - with the help of the therapist - and have instated a "family round-table" on a monthly basis. All topics can be suggested by anyone, ie. Agenda is drawn up by all; You can only speak when you're holding the Lego, Abraham Lincoln (don't laugh); Keith keeps a note of all decisions made and agreed upon, ie. he is secretary and all items put forwarded are only tabled if there is 100% agreement.<br />
<br />
Today we covered:<br />
• being on time<br />
• listening to instructions - once (penalties for repeating instructions)<br />
• homework<br />
• time on the computer/ iPad<br />
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Apparently there is more to discuss. Zack and Calvin wish to call another meeting a.s.a.p.<br />
<br />
:-)Being the Mumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00448652828221949006noreply@blogger.com1