it's been a whole week

So after much deliberation, angst and consideration we decided that Zack could go on a week's camp during the holidays. It's run by a group called CPAS. I spoke to every parent I know who's kids have been on one and the all spoke of it in glowing terms, talking about the great team who run it, the care, the experience they bring to the event, the other children, the friends they'll make, the activities they'll do. So last week we drove down to a spot in the sticks and left our 8 year old son in the care of people we've not met before (bar one - a friend from church who's a co-leader).

We wrote to him on Monday and he sent us a postcard which arrived on Friday. We worried and fretted about how it was going. We looked at the emergency number and wondered if it would ring. It didn't. We didn't hear a thing. In the meantime Calvin was clingy and demanding. I was at his beck and call the entire week with one thing and the next. He got to do lots of fun things that he enjoys like going horse riding, softplay, seeing friends, hamburgers with dad, and more. We were busy and our lives were so much quieter and calmer. It was palpable - like the volume had been turned down.
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up.
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.

Last week's review session:
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this.
 - Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.
He does not have ADHD.
- So what do we do?
He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.
He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control.
He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??

We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...
Honestly?

Two things in response to
anonymous critics online :
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

Letter draft

Dear Mr [school teacher/head teacher]

Zack, the crying and the tantrums :

Zack is hard work. I know - he is my son.
Zack cries and has tantrums. He is 7 1/2 years old. I find myself asking, regularly, “is this normal ?” But is that a helpful question? The truth is he IS doing these things. Now I’m asking, “What do you and I do to help him grow and cope?” I say ‘you and I’ because he spends 6 hours a day with you and 6 waking-hours with me.

In a world driven by targets and developmental goals, the starting point seems to be “Zack should be X”. eg. Zack should be able to deal with frustration at this age. Zack should be able to take it on the chin when things don’t go his way at this age. Zack shouldn’t be upset when he isn’t the centre of attention, at this age. Zack should want to be a team player. Zack should be reading better at this stage. Zack should be able to control his anger. Zack should be able to speak about what frustrates him by now. Are ALL of these statements true though ?

Teachers : the words that you say and what comes out of your mouth are a lead and give a cue to the children in your care. Zack has come home saying “[teaching assistant) called me a cry-baby” - this means Year 3 now have permission to say to “Zack, you’re a cry baby”. In the same way we give the class permission to say Alex is different, and they follow your lead, this is now a label.
Teacher’s wield enormous power and the words that they use shape the lives of those they teach. What you say becomes ‘the way it is’. I weep when I hear, and see, how Zack is actively excluding himself from what should be a normal social life at school. His saying, “my friends all hate me. They’re all mean”, makes me wonder what’s going on. He feels like an outsider, that idea is not being corrected, and he is acting that out every day. He says he has no-one to play with, that he sits on the Friendship Bench and no-one comes and asks him to join them. At the same time however, he’ll say, “only [another boy]” is my friend. It sounds horribly isolated, but is it all true? Talking to [teacher], apparently it isn’t.

Isolation v. Love and Acceptance

He’s 7 years old. He shouldn’t be feeling lonely and unloved in a class like this. His peers are a great bunch of kids. Yes, we can use platitudes like “Kids will be kids” and “Children are terribly cruel aren’t they?” - those are both true. But there’s a huge difference between ALLOWING them to be like that by fostering a culture of unkindness and cruelty through passivity; and calling on them to recognize that there’s a person inside each of them who feels lonely, and just wants a friend to play with; who cries when he doesn’t have words for what he feels. Zack is not unique in having a tantrum and crying. It seems however, that he is unique in the frequency, length and magnitude thereof.

Please can we try and find words of compassion and understanding?

There is a need and I believe we are all acting in unison on this, for clearly defined boundaries. He needs to know where the boundaries are - that he can go no further; that he’s crossed the line; that there are consequences to his actions. Punishment is outre today. Instead I hear that we have times of reflection, time out, forfeiting playtime or fun activities. This is all in keeping with what we do at home. Let’s continue to reinforce these, in unison.

He is the 2nd tallest and heaviest in your class. (One of those he has no control over, the other is something we talk about every day - making healthy choices, eating the right foods). He’s also more sensitive than he has permission to be. I don’t think any of us allow him to be sensitive - that’s why the crying illicits such a strong response in others. We all want him to TOUGHEN UP.
I recognize that it’s frustrating when he cries and has a tanty, it’s happening at home too. I feel desperate sometimes as it’s so disempowering when he “kicks off”, and in a classroom that must be even more acute. When he’s in full swing, he is unapproachable, and uncontainable. But that’s where we are.

How do we give him the tools to grow from here ? We can’t continue like this - not for our sake and sanity, the sake of his class, or most importantly, his own development - the future.
Labeling him isn’t going to help I don’t think, even if it’s the most obvious thing. We don’t say to little girls, “don’t be such a bitch” even if they say the most awful, nasty things to their friends. Yes children are unkind, but we can find ways of showing them how to be more magnanimous. If we’re teaching socially acceptable behaviour, we need to foster inclusion. Can we actively include Zack in more?

I don’t want special treatment. I wish he was invisible and beige, that he did his work, didn’t talk back, played quietly, didn’t give us any trouble at all. But that is a fantasy. I love that Zack is Zack. He is unique. But he has to learn to fit into a social setting - that he can’t be the centre of attention all the time; that he can’t have it all his own way; that he shouldn’t take what people do and say, so keenly, to heart. Does he have the tools for that ? We trying to model it at home as best we can. You provide a framework at school which synchronizes (we hope) with what we say at home. I cannot control his responses. I cannot force him to behave in a certain way – without manacles and a heavy sedative. But I can try and shape his environment, and in this I appeal to you to help me: please help him to feel accepted.

Please can we all try, together, to aid him in this.

Yours Faithfully,

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There it is. Upset and traumatized mummy writes a letter to the Head Teacher and Class Teacher. Things are completely over-dramatized, I am accusatory, I am taking this very personally. yeah yeah yeah.

Get in line. Being a Mum is f**king hard work