we have made it to 2017! and Zack is in a good space... it's his last day of holidays and he's back to school on Monday. We had my mum here for 3 weeks, and it went off pretty well. I think the biggest observation for us was that she slept in Zack's bed, in Zack's room. Which meant that he was displaced, and the initial novelty of sleeping in Calvin's room in the bunk bed soon turned to a chore. His little brother wouldn't stay up all night talking - he gets tired and goes to sleep. Zack struggled with that. Keith and I sat with him trying to understand why he was 'out of sorts' and he had the emotional intelligence to say, to identify for himself, that he was out of his room, and it was disrupting his equilibrium. It's funny to hear it from you son, and then to think, 'Well, wasn't that blatantly obvious!?', which of course it was, but only once Zack had pointed it out.
Suffice it to say, he got through Mum's visit and being out of his room, but he was delighted when he could move back in.
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 04, 2017
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
Bon vacances. Bonne chance
Or should I say "buona fortuna" and "buona vacanza" because we spent our holiday in Italy - 2 weeks of sunshine. And the final week of the school hols back home in London. The last 10 days were really very smooth and peaceful, all things considered. With no therapy to go to, and no school pressures, it does beg the question, "are we where we are because of the pressures of modern life?". The problem is, this life is not avoidable. Our livelihoods are tied up in the Big Smoke. We are neither farmers nor arborists. I have no desire to go and live in a small village where everyone knows your business. There is more than enough pressure on Zack right now, from his school mates, his peers, people in the wider social circle and our neighbours, to uproot us all and "opt out" of an urban existence. That would be traumatic for me, Keith and both children. We're staying in the city.
I spent a most worthwhile evening on the horn to a friend who's son has also struggled alot, around this age (8yrs+). It's so hard to know what to do, what to think, where to go from here. My friend has said not to dither, not to hesitate, but to act. I feel like I'm being too passive, sitting still. But at the same time, I see the value of just sitting with a problem and looking at it from different angles. An impulsive action is often driven by emotional overload, and the desire to survive overrules common-sense. I've submitted an application to a private school in Hampstead, in the hope that they'll grant us an interview if there's a place in the new year.
I've started making enquiries into a full-time nanny. The cost is crippling. I'm re-thinking it each week.
Zack is still going to therapy. We are still seeing a therapist too. There are times when I want to chuck in the towel, when it all seems pointless. But then we have a week where I see real value in Zack's therapy - when I can draw a straight line between his coping and incidents that have occurred. That's when it's also hard, because we've toyed with the idea of his going more frequently, but I don't think that he'd agree.
On a more positive note, he has had enormous success with rugby this term. We've had a few training sessions which have gone well - including incidents when he was high-tackled, kids jumped on his head when he was on the ground, getting kicked in the back and sworn at. All of which he's dealt with very well. He is much more resilient, much more.
I spent a most worthwhile evening on the horn to a friend who's son has also struggled alot, around this age (8yrs+). It's so hard to know what to do, what to think, where to go from here. My friend has said not to dither, not to hesitate, but to act. I feel like I'm being too passive, sitting still. But at the same time, I see the value of just sitting with a problem and looking at it from different angles. An impulsive action is often driven by emotional overload, and the desire to survive overrules common-sense. I've submitted an application to a private school in Hampstead, in the hope that they'll grant us an interview if there's a place in the new year.
I've started making enquiries into a full-time nanny. The cost is crippling. I'm re-thinking it each week.
Zack is still going to therapy. We are still seeing a therapist too. There are times when I want to chuck in the towel, when it all seems pointless. But then we have a week where I see real value in Zack's therapy - when I can draw a straight line between his coping and incidents that have occurred. That's when it's also hard, because we've toyed with the idea of his going more frequently, but I don't think that he'd agree.
On a more positive note, he has had enormous success with rugby this term. We've had a few training sessions which have gone well - including incidents when he was high-tackled, kids jumped on his head when he was on the ground, getting kicked in the back and sworn at. All of which he's dealt with very well. He is much more resilient, much more.
Monday, August 04, 2014
it's been a whole week
So after much deliberation, angst and consideration we decided that Zack could go on a week's camp during the holidays. It's run by a group called CPAS. I spoke to every parent I know who's kids have been on one and the all spoke of it in glowing terms, talking about the great team who run it, the care, the experience they bring to the event, the other children, the friends they'll make, the activities they'll do. So last week we drove down to a spot in the sticks and left our 8 year old son in the care of people we've not met before (bar one - a friend from church who's a co-leader).
We wrote to him on Monday and he sent us a postcard which arrived on Friday. We worried and fretted about how it was going. We looked at the emergency number and wondered if it would ring. It didn't. We didn't hear a thing. In the meantime Calvin was clingy and demanding. I was at his beck and call the entire week with one thing and the next. He got to do lots of fun things that he enjoys like going horse riding, softplay, seeing friends, hamburgers with dad, and more. We were busy and our lives were so much quieter and calmer. It was palpable - like the volume had been turned down.
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up.
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.
Last week's review session:
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this.
- Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.
He does not have ADHD.
- So what do we do?
He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.
He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control.
He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??
We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...
Honestly?
Two things in response to
anonymous critics online :
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up.
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.
Last week's review session:
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this.
- Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.
He does not have ADHD.
- So what do we do?
He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.
He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control.
He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??
We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...
Honestly?
Two things in response to
anonymous critics online :
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
Saturday, August 04, 2012
two weeks down : school hols
Whew! well, we've got through 2 weeks of school holidays. And they were the easy ones : I'd got myself organised and booked both boys into Enjoy-a-Ball for week 1, then Zack into the London Football Academy's holiday camp for week 2. Next week (3) we'll be going it alone, but I have quite a bit to do eg. go to the flat and get a few things done, have a playdate with friends, sort out an admin thing or two, banking for the flat, invoicing for myself, etc.
Mum arrives next Friday - Praise the Lord! Keith and I can get more sleep in the mornings. and we can do some fun things together, outings for kids, sightseeing, and more.
Week 4 we have a little holiday planned.
Food & Growth
I always say this but it's more true at the moment than usual : I cannot keep up with the food consumption. Both boys are eating an enormous amount of fruit and bread - if I buy a punnet of nectarines, they'll be demolished in one sitting. I only buy fruit in 8's, 10's and 12's now. There's no point in buying any less - I'll only have to go back tomorrow.
Calvin is shooting up and gaining a more solid frame.
Zack continues to struggle with his weight - he's just a big boy, chunky and has a great appetite (too great sometimes) - that's why the sport is so important. We keep having to monitor the access to crisps and sweet treats like cake. So many parents have them lying around and won't say "no", when asked sweetly. Zack can ask very sweetly when he wants to.
Progress
We've been making some progress with Zack as we tackle the emotional freak-outs. Bless him - it's so hard for him to reign it in, but he's taking steps in the right direction. I was talking to a lovely friend yesterday who has 3 boys and I mentioned that Wednesday was the breaking point, when I completely lost it with Zack in the morning, and she concurred. How refreshing.
We've got star charts running for both boys at the moment : Zack for reading, behaviour and keeping the hamster's cage clean; Calvin for wiping his own bottom on the loo. He needs incentivisation as he starts Reception in a month's time and he STILL calls Keith and I to do the job. [rolls eyes] Kids are so clever - he can do it at nursery, but he cannot do it at home.
Alan Wills sits with the boys after his Olympic Archery event. We'd bumped into his Mum & Dad at Lord's, and were delighted to see them all in the park afterwards - so we posed for a photo together
Last Friday night was the Opening Ceremony which both boys stayed up to watch. Calvin hardly lasted 10 minutes into the show, as it started at 9pm, but Zack kept going for almost an hour - enough time to see Mr Bean play under Simon Rattle's baton. It left the biggest impression as we had long discussions the following day about Mr Bean being 'alive', and not Johnny English or Rowan Atkinson. Too cute!
We went to see Archery on Saturday morning at dawn - we had to be there by 7:45am so it was an early start. Archery is not the most interesting spectator sport, but the boys were thrilled to just be there and were well behaved for most of it.
We have tickets to the Basketball IN the Olympic Park tomorrow morning, so it'll be an even earlier start for us. Oh dear - and today I was up at 6:15am with Calvin. I am going to be one tired mommy
Friday, August 26, 2011
Future Holidays
Note to self for future holidays :
Do...
-take a nanny/ au pair with you, so that you can have a lie-in every morning you're away
-go somewhere that the children can play outside (eg. seaside, resort with pool, etc)
-go for self catering where possible - it means you can do mealtimes which approximate normality
-go somewhere you're guaranteed of sunshine
-plan ahead and book as far in advance as seems rational
Do NOT...
-go away for one week here and then another week there. Do two weeks in one place - it's more relaxing, it's less travel, it's less hassle, it's less worry, it's less schlepp - I think I've made my point
-choose to sleep in the rubbish bed even if it's the double. The comfortable single bed wins every time - kids can be moved
Do...
-take a nanny/ au pair with you, so that you can have a lie-in every morning you're away
-go somewhere that the children can play outside (eg. seaside, resort with pool, etc)
-go for self catering where possible - it means you can do mealtimes which approximate normality
-go somewhere you're guaranteed of sunshine
-plan ahead and book as far in advance as seems rational
Do NOT...
-go away for one week here and then another week there. Do two weeks in one place - it's more relaxing, it's less travel, it's less hassle, it's less worry, it's less schlepp - I think I've made my point
-choose to sleep in the rubbish bed even if it's the double. The comfortable single bed wins every time - kids can be moved
Thursday, September 09, 2010
developments
The brothers at the pinball machine
Whew! what a crazy time it's been. We went off on holiday to Carvoeira in Portugal (near Faro) and Zack and Calvin had a blast. We were staying in a little holiday cottage spot that had a pool and a pool and an indoor pool. We swam all day, every day. The sun shone all day, every day. Zack's swimming has come on in leaps and bounds – he even leapt into the deep end without me one day (I nearly had a heart attack, and was screaming, "Nooooo!" while running and kicking off my shoes), and paddled to the side nonchalantly. Without wings!
Calvin started out really cautious of the water, as everything was "wet". But he was soon confident enough to climb down into the baby's paddling pool and wander into the middle by himself. We had two or three falling down and not being able to stand up, so Mummy grabbed me out of the water immediately, moments. But they were all done under close supervision. May I just say that mothers have completely over-active imaginations, and we always expect the worst – it gives us the edge I think.
Elly jumps over Zack
Our only day on the beach was extraordinarily hot. For some reason Zack decided the best thing to do was to go down on hands and knees and rub your face in the sand. Yuck !In the last two days of our holiday Calvin decided that he was potty training and has completely caught onto wee'ing in the toilet. He is a genius ! And might I point out that he wasn't even two years old yet. Amazing! It really is so much easier with the second child – he just emulates his brother.
Annoyingly we got home to an ear-infection for Zack – or perhaps I should say, predictably ? So he's been on Amoxycilin for 10 days. Seems to have done the job.What was possibly worse was that Tina, our housekeeper, was off sick for another two days and the ironing was mounting up and things were getting out of control. Not only that but our temporary Nanny who would have really taken off some of the pressure, was also off unexpectedly for a day. I returned to some enormous work pressure and deadlines, so I admit to feeling quite strung-out within days of returning. You always want the "holiday vibe" to linger, don't you ?!
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
bank hols in berkies
Zack went off to the doctor on Monday and then again on Friday last week - ear infection. He's on amoxycilin. It meant the first night of our holiday (Fri) was a no sleep night and we had to take it in turns to comfort him. Thankfully by the second night we had a solid night's rest. Now Calvin is taking his turn to cry - he's been chewing his fingers for the past few days, so perhaps he's teething. He certainly has the icky bum to go with it, but no temp. Sigh. Kids. I'm tired.
Calvin is happiest on the slide
those jolly rides in shopping malls - there's no escaping them [sigh]
what can I say ?
Brothers take a walkMonday, February 22, 2010
a REAL holiday
We've been discussing, at some length, with friends how you go about having a real break when you have such little children. As we don't have grandparents around, and our attempts in 2009 failed dismally, we just want a solution. As such, I've started investigating via the net. here's what I've come up with in the UK for family holidays :
http://www.babyfriendlyboltholes.co.uk
http://www.mrandmrssmith.com/ - they have a children section
http://www.cottageselection.co.uk - "take the family" section
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/travel/holiday_type/family/article2133315.ece
http://www.childfriendly.co.uk/
http://www.bedruthan.com/hotel/
http://www.tredethick.co.uk
http://www.mrandmrssmith.com/ - they have a children section
http://www.cottageselection.co.uk - "take the family" section
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/travel/holiday_type/family/article2133315.ece
http://www.childfriendly.co.uk/
http://www.bedruthan.com/hotel/
Friday, January 15, 2010
Family holiday - Johannesburg
Calvin didn't start walking (I had hoped he would), but speeded up the crawling
Spiderman is a current favourite - couldn't get the swimming costume off him some days
What more can I say ? The kids had a blast, we got to sleep in. We've come home rested and ready for what 2010 will throw at us
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
horrid hols
We're getting savvy in our old age... holidays with just Mum & Dad, Zack & Calvin are not working. The kids are bored and we get NO rest. We've been away for 10 days, and the lesson has been learnt. We gotta find a better way!
France was just beautiful and we were blessed with lovely weather and a chance to see the Loire Valley, gardens and chateux. Highlights included Villandry gardens, Zack & Keith going swimming; riding on the lawnmower with Hugo; staying with Ghislaine & Gerard.
Sadly Andy & Tammy weren't able to enjoy their holiday at all, as Tammy was in and out of hospital with respiratory problems. In the end they came back to the UK and went into ICU in Guildford. Tammy is doing much better now, and we anticipate she'll be discharged later today.
Zack was begging to come home 2 days ago, he was missing his friends and the familiarity of home & habit. He toddled off with us to playschool this morning in his Spiderman Tshirt and a happy face.
Calvin and I have both caught the nasty cough that Zack had, and now it's sore ears, tearful eyes, sinusitis and a nasty cough. Calvin was running a temperature last night, but a bit of Calpol helped him fight it.
France was just beautiful and we were blessed with lovely weather and a chance to see the Loire Valley, gardens and chateux. Highlights included Villandry gardens, Zack & Keith going swimming; riding on the lawnmower with Hugo; staying with Ghislaine & Gerard.
Sadly Andy & Tammy weren't able to enjoy their holiday at all, as Tammy was in and out of hospital with respiratory problems. In the end they came back to the UK and went into ICU in Guildford. Tammy is doing much better now, and we anticipate she'll be discharged later today.
Zack was begging to come home 2 days ago, he was missing his friends and the familiarity of home & habit. He toddled off with us to playschool this morning in his Spiderman Tshirt and a happy face.
Calvin and I have both caught the nasty cough that Zack had, and now it's sore ears, tearful eyes, sinusitis and a nasty cough. Calvin was running a temperature last night, but a bit of Calpol helped him fight it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
dobrodošli
Margitte, Franco & Zack share a seat for just a moment
Zack dashing down the street on a hot afternoon.
Zack had plenty of opportunity to hone hisstone-throwing skills - 99% beaches are pebbles.
We've had a great break in Korcula, Croatia with good friends from Pretoria - 2 weeks of good weather, outdoor space and a short walk into nature. My mum left to go back to SA today, so we've also been blessed with 3 weeks with a grandparent, and all the extra help and TLC that that entails. We're all feeling quite refreshed and happy. I hope it lasts.
Pregnancy :
It's going well. I'm just tired and feeling very tight-skinned.
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