Weary but still moving forward

So the past few weeks have been decidedly up and down. Going back to school on the 1st of June, and kicking that off with the Clinical Psych's assessement seemed to usher in a phase of miserable in the school environs. It's funny how you don't realise how good things have been until things are really, really shit again, and you feel like, "what the hell is going on? are we back at square one?".

There's always something, and at the moment it's one little boy in Zack's class. It's hard to unravel what happens but I'd say that Zack winds him up, but also more importantly, that there is stuff going on in this little chap's life and he doesn't have anywhere to "put" it. His mum and dad split up a few years ago, and daddy has a new girlfriend. His younger brother is a stellar little football player and has recently had trials at one of the big London clubs. You can understand that just one of these things would unsettle a boy of 8 or 9, but together they're pretty insurmountable. And you know what that means - find a target and put the negative crap in your life, there. So Zack has been the receptacle week-after-week of this boy's shit. He goads him, he blames him, he uses him as an emotional dump.
Have I spoken to the parents ? No. Why ? I am so, so, so dog-tired of explaining this to people who really don't care.
Everyone just wants good little kiddies who are no trouble at all.

Everyone.

On a more positive note, Zack has had a significant amount of "reading support" of school, and it has made a massive difference. We have a son who is keen to read on his own - and I am amazed! Initially it was just reading the children's Storybook Bible - lots of pictures and not much text. But this past week he's delved into the Beast Quest series. They're books that he's had lying around for years but just couldn't read. All of a sudden he's demolishing them. This weekend he read all 8 chapters of one book, and I've been instructed to got the children's bookshop and get the next one. Yessir !!
Interestingly I see he reads the words aloud to himself - not silently in his head. But I thought he was reading the storybook Bible silently... I'll keep a look out and see how it rolls. I'm just so impressed at the progress. Of course, we're making a big fuss of this new skill.

Calvin is reading happily too, however it's competitive and not so much for pleasure. He's ploughing through Roald Dahl's George's Marvellous Medicine. And is terribly keen to harvest the points he know he'll get for each page he reads.

Points you ask ? yes, we have a point system for the boys. It's directly correlated with pocket money. We give points as a motivator for alot of things eg. good behaviour, considerate behaviour, kindness, bringing plates to the kitchen after a meal, reading, correcting behaviour (eg. teaching Calvin that skid-marks in your underpants aren't necessary), listening well, etc. Initially we'd started out with a add and subtract system, but the therapist felt that Zack needed to have ONLY successes on that board, so we don't subtract points any more. Children know that "consequences" are really just another word for punishment because they aren't empowered. So we continue on the points system.

On the schooling front, we had a surprising breakthrough last week Wednesday - I had a call from St Christopher's to say that they'd like to meet Zack and set up an assessment date in the new term. I was blown away and soooo relieved. That's persistence for you - I've written to them faithfully whenever we've had information to add, and tried to keep them up to date with what we know, and when they can hope to see more.

Zack and I paid Limespring a visit last week too - for a walk around, and a chance to see the facilities himself. Denise (the head teacher) was excellent - she addressed him directly and made him feel important and at ease. We've put them down as our Plan A for the start of Year 5 - that Zack will either attend Limespring in addition to St James, or go to Limespring full time. A big concern is socialization, but that's a hoop we'll jump through once we've got all the pieces in place. We're also anxious about transitioning. How will Zack cope with changing from one school to another, and potentially a third, if he is offered a place at St Chris? How do we make it as smooth as possible, while supporting his learning needs ? It's complex.

Today he came home from school with a piece of paper with everyone's names on it, and someone (apparently the other Zach in his class) had written 'goodbye Zack' at the top of the page. It's a tough one because we HAVEN'T said he's leaving the school.

It's been a very rough hard bedtime. He has been MASSIVELY O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiance disorder), shouting at Keith, "Dad is an idiot!"
And, "Shut up" at me. He's just upped the ante more and more. Screaming at us, "you don't care!" "you are such meanies!" "Don't you ignore me!", and 'saintly us', we come back time and again saying, "your behaviour is not okay."
And "we don't have to give you attention if you treat us like this."
hell, it's just another episode.
Now he's screaming, "I know what your'e feeling Mom. And you should feel like that!"
Uh huh.
It's so tiring. I hate it. There are days when I could just wring his neck !

it's been a whole week

So after much deliberation, angst and consideration we decided that Zack could go on a week's camp during the holidays. It's run by a group called CPAS. I spoke to every parent I know who's kids have been on one and the all spoke of it in glowing terms, talking about the great team who run it, the care, the experience they bring to the event, the other children, the friends they'll make, the activities they'll do. So last week we drove down to a spot in the sticks and left our 8 year old son in the care of people we've not met before (bar one - a friend from church who's a co-leader).

We wrote to him on Monday and he sent us a postcard which arrived on Friday. We worried and fretted about how it was going. We looked at the emergency number and wondered if it would ring. It didn't. We didn't hear a thing. In the meantime Calvin was clingy and demanding. I was at his beck and call the entire week with one thing and the next. He got to do lots of fun things that he enjoys like going horse riding, softplay, seeing friends, hamburgers with dad, and more. We were busy and our lives were so much quieter and calmer. It was palpable - like the volume had been turned down.
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up.
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.

Last week's review session:
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this.
 - Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.
He does not have ADHD.
- So what do we do?
He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.
He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control.
He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??

We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...
Honestly?

Two things in response to
anonymous critics online :
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

real. and healthy.

... or less to follow, as the case may be. I just don't have the time to write - it's crissmiss and my in-laws are here. the kids are on holiday. hell, I don't even have time to wash my hair, nevermind blog.

So it's 7.40am and I'm thinking of Shrek the Halls' take on Clement Clark Moore's poem, which opens with:
"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;..."
Altho it is now the 27th of December, the rest is true. All I can hear is the wind howling outside and the traffic noise starting to build up.

I've been lying awake in bed since 5:15am and thinking about emotional honesty and being real. How hard it is when you are a parent, to teach your children emotional honesty and to give them resilience. I'd say both my family and my in-laws have screwed up emotional worlds, so there isn't a whole lot to work with in the way of role models. I'm somewhere near the back of the queue on emotional expertise, but I would say that 4 3/4 years of therapy has taught me a thing or two.

It's been a big deal trying to get my husband to share the emotional load with me. In his family, no-one talks about how they feel. Feelings are VERY SCAREY!!!! So you don't let them out. Raising children means getting in touch with ALL your feelings - kids don't let you have anything of your own. You wanna go to the toilet, sorry, they're coming too. You wanna freak out? Yep, they're standing right there in front of you a) driving you to it, or b) watching the fall out. Every parent comes face to face with their best and their worst when rearing a child. Last week I felt like a bare-breasted Amazonian, in a corner, with my child in one arm and a sword in the other.

In our relationship, my husband doesn't do strong emotion. Nope, he leaves that to me. It was a small problem that reared its head every now and then, but it's become more of an issue as the kids have grown up. I end up being the 'angry' mommy. I'm the one who has to do the "feeling" while daddy stays calm as a cucumber. You can see how the scales tip and things fall out of kilter. It's not a healthy state of being, not long term. I get the yin-yang thing and yes, we are opposites, so it would naturally fall to being like that. I find comfort in his un-ruffleability. He loves my joie d'vivre. But there are times, when a daddy should be angry, or sad, or furious, or deflated, or down-right miserable. He no likey. I've found also that my emotional expression gets more extreme to compensate for the lack in him, which is terribly unhealthy. It ends up being mommy the crazy-lady, and daddy vanilla, eggshell, beige blob.

So! about teaching your kids emotional range, emotional health, emotional expression, elasticity, compassion and all that lies between the two polls of Nothing and Everything; How you gonna do that ?

A friend of mine blew a gasket and dumped her husband. That was 2 years ago. She'd been married for 14 years. Her parents are still married, but sit as far apart on the sofa as they possibly can. They share a bed. They don't hold hands. I spent Christmas with them, and they didn't exchange gifts. Her mother is mirroring her anxieties and frustration onto her grandchildren because she doesn't have the emotional tools to confront my friend or even just talk about her sadness and disappointment. It's all put into other people. Her father is furious but will not show it or discuss it. On the outside there's nothing to see when you talk to him - he has various hobbies in his retirement, spends an unhealthy amount of time on his iPad looking at crap. He doesn't connect emotionally with the world outside. He is an island. He seems to have a circle of friends, but is it mutual friendship or not (I suppose this is a question many of us ask, even of our "good" friends). His sibling relationship is strained - he has one sister, they don't speak much. it's her fault apparently.

So this is emotional landscape I find myself in. I need a map, or at least a compass.

Letter draft

Dear Mr [school teacher/head teacher]

Zack, the crying and the tantrums :

Zack is hard work. I know - he is my son.
Zack cries and has tantrums. He is 7 1/2 years old. I find myself asking, regularly, “is this normal ?” But is that a helpful question? The truth is he IS doing these things. Now I’m asking, “What do you and I do to help him grow and cope?” I say ‘you and I’ because he spends 6 hours a day with you and 6 waking-hours with me.

In a world driven by targets and developmental goals, the starting point seems to be “Zack should be X”. eg. Zack should be able to deal with frustration at this age. Zack should be able to take it on the chin when things don’t go his way at this age. Zack shouldn’t be upset when he isn’t the centre of attention, at this age. Zack should want to be a team player. Zack should be reading better at this stage. Zack should be able to control his anger. Zack should be able to speak about what frustrates him by now. Are ALL of these statements true though ?

Teachers : the words that you say and what comes out of your mouth are a lead and give a cue to the children in your care. Zack has come home saying “[teaching assistant) called me a cry-baby” - this means Year 3 now have permission to say to “Zack, you’re a cry baby”. In the same way we give the class permission to say Alex is different, and they follow your lead, this is now a label.
Teacher’s wield enormous power and the words that they use shape the lives of those they teach. What you say becomes ‘the way it is’. I weep when I hear, and see, how Zack is actively excluding himself from what should be a normal social life at school. His saying, “my friends all hate me. They’re all mean”, makes me wonder what’s going on. He feels like an outsider, that idea is not being corrected, and he is acting that out every day. He says he has no-one to play with, that he sits on the Friendship Bench and no-one comes and asks him to join them. At the same time however, he’ll say, “only [another boy]” is my friend. It sounds horribly isolated, but is it all true? Talking to [teacher], apparently it isn’t.

Isolation v. Love and Acceptance

He’s 7 years old. He shouldn’t be feeling lonely and unloved in a class like this. His peers are a great bunch of kids. Yes, we can use platitudes like “Kids will be kids” and “Children are terribly cruel aren’t they?” - those are both true. But there’s a huge difference between ALLOWING them to be like that by fostering a culture of unkindness and cruelty through passivity; and calling on them to recognize that there’s a person inside each of them who feels lonely, and just wants a friend to play with; who cries when he doesn’t have words for what he feels. Zack is not unique in having a tantrum and crying. It seems however, that he is unique in the frequency, length and magnitude thereof.

Please can we try and find words of compassion and understanding?

There is a need and I believe we are all acting in unison on this, for clearly defined boundaries. He needs to know where the boundaries are - that he can go no further; that he’s crossed the line; that there are consequences to his actions. Punishment is outre today. Instead I hear that we have times of reflection, time out, forfeiting playtime or fun activities. This is all in keeping with what we do at home. Let’s continue to reinforce these, in unison.

He is the 2nd tallest and heaviest in your class. (One of those he has no control over, the other is something we talk about every day - making healthy choices, eating the right foods). He’s also more sensitive than he has permission to be. I don’t think any of us allow him to be sensitive - that’s why the crying illicits such a strong response in others. We all want him to TOUGHEN UP.
I recognize that it’s frustrating when he cries and has a tanty, it’s happening at home too. I feel desperate sometimes as it’s so disempowering when he “kicks off”, and in a classroom that must be even more acute. When he’s in full swing, he is unapproachable, and uncontainable. But that’s where we are.

How do we give him the tools to grow from here ? We can’t continue like this - not for our sake and sanity, the sake of his class, or most importantly, his own development - the future.
Labeling him isn’t going to help I don’t think, even if it’s the most obvious thing. We don’t say to little girls, “don’t be such a bitch” even if they say the most awful, nasty things to their friends. Yes children are unkind, but we can find ways of showing them how to be more magnanimous. If we’re teaching socially acceptable behaviour, we need to foster inclusion. Can we actively include Zack in more?

I don’t want special treatment. I wish he was invisible and beige, that he did his work, didn’t talk back, played quietly, didn’t give us any trouble at all. But that is a fantasy. I love that Zack is Zack. He is unique. But he has to learn to fit into a social setting - that he can’t be the centre of attention all the time; that he can’t have it all his own way; that he shouldn’t take what people do and say, so keenly, to heart. Does he have the tools for that ? We trying to model it at home as best we can. You provide a framework at school which synchronizes (we hope) with what we say at home. I cannot control his responses. I cannot force him to behave in a certain way – without manacles and a heavy sedative. But I can try and shape his environment, and in this I appeal to you to help me: please help him to feel accepted.

Please can we all try, together, to aid him in this.

Yours Faithfully,

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There it is. Upset and traumatized mummy writes a letter to the Head Teacher and Class Teacher. Things are completely over-dramatized, I am accusatory, I am taking this very personally. yeah yeah yeah.

Get in line. Being a Mum is f**king hard work