Weary but still moving forward

So the past few weeks have been decidedly up and down. Going back to school on the 1st of June, and kicking that off with the Clinical Psych's assessement seemed to usher in a phase of miserable in the school environs. It's funny how you don't realise how good things have been until things are really, really shit again, and you feel like, "what the hell is going on? are we back at square one?".

There's always something, and at the moment it's one little boy in Zack's class. It's hard to unravel what happens but I'd say that Zack winds him up, but also more importantly, that there is stuff going on in this little chap's life and he doesn't have anywhere to "put" it. His mum and dad split up a few years ago, and daddy has a new girlfriend. His younger brother is a stellar little football player and has recently had trials at one of the big London clubs. You can understand that just one of these things would unsettle a boy of 8 or 9, but together they're pretty insurmountable. And you know what that means - find a target and put the negative crap in your life, there. So Zack has been the receptacle week-after-week of this boy's shit. He goads him, he blames him, he uses him as an emotional dump.
Have I spoken to the parents ? No. Why ? I am so, so, so dog-tired of explaining this to people who really don't care.
Everyone just wants good little kiddies who are no trouble at all.

Everyone.

On a more positive note, Zack has had a significant amount of "reading support" of school, and it has made a massive difference. We have a son who is keen to read on his own - and I am amazed! Initially it was just reading the children's Storybook Bible - lots of pictures and not much text. But this past week he's delved into the Beast Quest series. They're books that he's had lying around for years but just couldn't read. All of a sudden he's demolishing them. This weekend he read all 8 chapters of one book, and I've been instructed to got the children's bookshop and get the next one. Yessir !!
Interestingly I see he reads the words aloud to himself - not silently in his head. But I thought he was reading the storybook Bible silently... I'll keep a look out and see how it rolls. I'm just so impressed at the progress. Of course, we're making a big fuss of this new skill.

Calvin is reading happily too, however it's competitive and not so much for pleasure. He's ploughing through Roald Dahl's George's Marvellous Medicine. And is terribly keen to harvest the points he know he'll get for each page he reads.

Points you ask ? yes, we have a point system for the boys. It's directly correlated with pocket money. We give points as a motivator for alot of things eg. good behaviour, considerate behaviour, kindness, bringing plates to the kitchen after a meal, reading, correcting behaviour (eg. teaching Calvin that skid-marks in your underpants aren't necessary), listening well, etc. Initially we'd started out with a add and subtract system, but the therapist felt that Zack needed to have ONLY successes on that board, so we don't subtract points any more. Children know that "consequences" are really just another word for punishment because they aren't empowered. So we continue on the points system.

On the schooling front, we had a surprising breakthrough last week Wednesday - I had a call from St Christopher's to say that they'd like to meet Zack and set up an assessment date in the new term. I was blown away and soooo relieved. That's persistence for you - I've written to them faithfully whenever we've had information to add, and tried to keep them up to date with what we know, and when they can hope to see more.

Zack and I paid Limespring a visit last week too - for a walk around, and a chance to see the facilities himself. Denise (the head teacher) was excellent - she addressed him directly and made him feel important and at ease. We've put them down as our Plan A for the start of Year 5 - that Zack will either attend Limespring in addition to St James, or go to Limespring full time. A big concern is socialization, but that's a hoop we'll jump through once we've got all the pieces in place. We're also anxious about transitioning. How will Zack cope with changing from one school to another, and potentially a third, if he is offered a place at St Chris? How do we make it as smooth as possible, while supporting his learning needs ? It's complex.

Today he came home from school with a piece of paper with everyone's names on it, and someone (apparently the other Zach in his class) had written 'goodbye Zack' at the top of the page. It's a tough one because we HAVEN'T said he's leaving the school.

It's been a very rough hard bedtime. He has been MASSIVELY O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiance disorder), shouting at Keith, "Dad is an idiot!"
And, "Shut up" at me. He's just upped the ante more and more. Screaming at us, "you don't care!" "you are such meanies!" "Don't you ignore me!", and 'saintly us', we come back time and again saying, "your behaviour is not okay."
And "we don't have to give you attention if you treat us like this."
hell, it's just another episode.
Now he's screaming, "I know what your'e feeling Mom. And you should feel like that!"
Uh huh.
It's so tiring. I hate it. There are days when I could just wring his neck !

HARSH

Hmmm... and we keep moving forward. The last few weeks of January, back at school, have been very up and down. First week was okay, second week was the worst we've had in the past 7 months, and the last week has been better. We were trying to connect the dots about what had pre-empted the terrible week: What changed? what's what what? what? That's what we spend most of our time doing in therapy. slowly un-picking the "what happened" of the past week.
Have you read "The Shock of the Fall"? by Nathan Filer

On the back of the horrible Xmas holidays, I started looking at stuff online. I've also been going through my own personal crisis - wanting to exit, leave the family home, feeling like nothing I do or say is any help. Feeling useless, unappreciated, broken down, hated.
Sometimes I feel like our family is crashing, smashing, disintegrating, falling apart, crisis-ing, imploding, collapsing in very. slow. motion.

This poem and it's corollary were very much on my lips that last January week :

This Be The Verse

By Philip Larkin
 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin, “This Be the Verse” from Collected Poems. Used by permission of The Society of Authors as the Literary Representative of the Estate of Philip Larkin.

They Tuck You Up

by Adrian Mitchell

They tuck you up, your mum and dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.

(This poem, a response to this one, obviously, was inspired by a broadcaster's attempt to avoid swearing before the watershed when mentioning this poem. It was released online before it was published in any collection, and there seem to be many versions floating round the internet. In any case, it rarely fails to bring tears to my eyes.)

Balance is good. It's nice to see both sides of the coin. I do feel that we fall ONLY into one of them tho', and that is enormously depressing. What can you do or say to make things change ? I have no idea. We are out of options. Out of personal reserves. Out of plans A, B, C, D and E. I don't have a little cat Zee to pull out of my hat. I'm fucked.

I've been in a huge amount of physical pain the last week - I've managed to wrench my neck somehow doing some heavy pulling while training, so my cartilage on my vertebrae is inflamed. horribly inflamed. I've spent days at home, good stints in bed. I've shut everything down. It's been tough with the kids - their little lives continue apace, and mummy being "man-down" doesn't really stand in the way of rugby, football, karate, birthday parties, music practice, school trips, and all the rest of the "must get done's" in their lives. It's further driven me to moments of wanting to just opt out. I have no support - no-one I can turn to support me practically. I have booked the babysitters in for the nights that we cannot miss eg. psychiatrist appointment. But on a day-to-day basis I must soldier on. Regardless.

this is not what I wanted. I want happy times. Times when we laugh together and are happy. there are so, so few of those. We seem to spend so much time screaming at Zack, and him screaming at us. And then us both sitting, late at night, trying to think of new strategies for dealing with his :
. lack of self esteem
. inability to self-moderate
. refusal to comply, follow instructions, stick to the rules
. comfort eating
. need to have a drama about almost everything
. craving for physical touch
. self-loathing after the events
. tantrums in the face of 'boundaries'
. resistance to change
. inability to transition
. insolence, anger, rage and physical aggression
I honestly don't have a fucking clue. I'm just tired. Dog tired.

And to end - I happened upon this website on "parenting strong willed children" by Dr. Laura Markham. And the bit that struck me the most on the parenting tools page, was this item #10 on being HARSH with your children and how it fucks them up. I'm fucked up and I can see a direct causal link. It takes years, decades to fix the stuff that formed me when I was young. I still, at age 43, cannot think that I am worth-ful, have value, should be listened to. I always put myself last, and let people walk all over me, I create the fucked-up relationship that I had with my own mother, in many other relationships, because that's what I "know", and familiar is best when it comes to psychiatry. I hate that. I absolutely hate that.

how deep is the hole ?

It has been an shockingly difficult few weeks with Zack. His behaviour has completely nose-dived in the past 18 days. Is it the end of term ? What has precipitated this ? We've spent time thinking and talking about it. Keith was away in the States 6 weeks ago. I was away in Jordan 3 weeks ago. So yes, there's been some 'missing' bodies from home; but the rest of the activities and commitments have remained the same - unchanged, predictable. We've been in regular contact while away - both Keith and I. We constantly reassure that we'll be back, and do in fact return.
Things at school came to a head two weeks ago on Friday 5 December. Zack did something he shouldn't have. It was significant enough for us to write to the headteacher over the weekend about it. We were called in for a meeting. We have since had a second meeting with the teacher, senco and our therapist. Zack has continued to free-fall into one transgression after the next. I was very relieved that the end of term rolled around on Friday. I don't think anyone had any energy left.
It's not been great. Zack has feigned the suicidal thing again. He is very rough with Keith and I. There are times when I wonder "what next?". It's scary.
My dear friend X has said to me again and again, you need to move him to another school. We would if we had one. I think we need to renew our efforts and the search.