Weary but still moving forward

So the past few weeks have been decidedly up and down. Going back to school on the 1st of June, and kicking that off with the Clinical Psych's assessement seemed to usher in a phase of miserable in the school environs. It's funny how you don't realise how good things have been until things are really, really shit again, and you feel like, "what the hell is going on? are we back at square one?".

There's always something, and at the moment it's one little boy in Zack's class. It's hard to unravel what happens but I'd say that Zack winds him up, but also more importantly, that there is stuff going on in this little chap's life and he doesn't have anywhere to "put" it. His mum and dad split up a few years ago, and daddy has a new girlfriend. His younger brother is a stellar little football player and has recently had trials at one of the big London clubs. You can understand that just one of these things would unsettle a boy of 8 or 9, but together they're pretty insurmountable. And you know what that means - find a target and put the negative crap in your life, there. So Zack has been the receptacle week-after-week of this boy's shit. He goads him, he blames him, he uses him as an emotional dump.
Have I spoken to the parents ? No. Why ? I am so, so, so dog-tired of explaining this to people who really don't care.
Everyone just wants good little kiddies who are no trouble at all.

Everyone.

On a more positive note, Zack has had a significant amount of "reading support" of school, and it has made a massive difference. We have a son who is keen to read on his own - and I am amazed! Initially it was just reading the children's Storybook Bible - lots of pictures and not much text. But this past week he's delved into the Beast Quest series. They're books that he's had lying around for years but just couldn't read. All of a sudden he's demolishing them. This weekend he read all 8 chapters of one book, and I've been instructed to got the children's bookshop and get the next one. Yessir !!
Interestingly I see he reads the words aloud to himself - not silently in his head. But I thought he was reading the storybook Bible silently... I'll keep a look out and see how it rolls. I'm just so impressed at the progress. Of course, we're making a big fuss of this new skill.

Calvin is reading happily too, however it's competitive and not so much for pleasure. He's ploughing through Roald Dahl's George's Marvellous Medicine. And is terribly keen to harvest the points he know he'll get for each page he reads.

Points you ask ? yes, we have a point system for the boys. It's directly correlated with pocket money. We give points as a motivator for alot of things eg. good behaviour, considerate behaviour, kindness, bringing plates to the kitchen after a meal, reading, correcting behaviour (eg. teaching Calvin that skid-marks in your underpants aren't necessary), listening well, etc. Initially we'd started out with a add and subtract system, but the therapist felt that Zack needed to have ONLY successes on that board, so we don't subtract points any more. Children know that "consequences" are really just another word for punishment because they aren't empowered. So we continue on the points system.

On the schooling front, we had a surprising breakthrough last week Wednesday - I had a call from St Christopher's to say that they'd like to meet Zack and set up an assessment date in the new term. I was blown away and soooo relieved. That's persistence for you - I've written to them faithfully whenever we've had information to add, and tried to keep them up to date with what we know, and when they can hope to see more.

Zack and I paid Limespring a visit last week too - for a walk around, and a chance to see the facilities himself. Denise (the head teacher) was excellent - she addressed him directly and made him feel important and at ease. We've put them down as our Plan A for the start of Year 5 - that Zack will either attend Limespring in addition to St James, or go to Limespring full time. A big concern is socialization, but that's a hoop we'll jump through once we've got all the pieces in place. We're also anxious about transitioning. How will Zack cope with changing from one school to another, and potentially a third, if he is offered a place at St Chris? How do we make it as smooth as possible, while supporting his learning needs ? It's complex.

Today he came home from school with a piece of paper with everyone's names on it, and someone (apparently the other Zach in his class) had written 'goodbye Zack' at the top of the page. It's a tough one because we HAVEN'T said he's leaving the school.

It's been a very rough hard bedtime. He has been MASSIVELY O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiance disorder), shouting at Keith, "Dad is an idiot!"
And, "Shut up" at me. He's just upped the ante more and more. Screaming at us, "you don't care!" "you are such meanies!" "Don't you ignore me!", and 'saintly us', we come back time and again saying, "your behaviour is not okay."
And "we don't have to give you attention if you treat us like this."
hell, it's just another episode.
Now he's screaming, "I know what your'e feeling Mom. And you should feel like that!"
Uh huh.
It's so tiring. I hate it. There are days when I could just wring his neck !

Ed Psych gateway

So we've been waiting for more than 6 weeks for an Educational Psychologist's assessment to be done so that we can have something more concrete to work with. And more particularly, something that ISN'T inside the psychotherapy "fold", which is where we've felt a bit trapped this past while. Seems like such a straightforward thing to find an Ed Psych and then have it done, but the wait has felt interminable and I was very relieved when Monday rolled around. Turns out she's a Clinical Psych focused on neuro-developmental assessment.
We were given her name by a friend who runs a dyslexic clinic nearby, and although I'd contacted another Ed Psych too, these people are certainly in no hurry to return your call.
Finally the day has dawned. Zack really put his best foot forward and gave it everything he had, calmly and with purpose for all of the 4 hours that it took.
The outcome will present itself in the form of an Executive Report initially, to be followed with a full Ed Psych Report in a few week's time. In the interim we've been given a final set of B.R.I.E.F. questionnaires to fill out which focus on elements that presented themselves from Monday's tests.
It seems Zack has elements of dyspraxia, and dyslexia and a very big slice of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) thrown into the mix. He has a low 'executive function' (read this) and low working memory. He is sensory seeking which feeds into so many of his disruptive tendencies. It's quite hard at this stage to separate the ODD, the emotional and behavioural issues in general, this 'executive function' issue, and the SPD needs, as I think the fidgeting and disruptive tendencies, may also just be his inability to sit still, and not be in other people's personal space. But he definitely is defiant because of his response when told to stop. Perhaps, with time, he'll come to understand his own foibles, and that'll make him more able to curb the things that wind people up the most. Poor little chap, it's not an easy journey.
We had a 20 page questionnaire and the school had a similar one to fill in. The SENCO's covering letter said something like :
'Dear X
The parents have been unwilling for us to appoint our own Educational Psychologist...
blah blah blah... '
Keith and I nearly blew a gasket - where the f*** do these people get off ? Honestly ! We have begged and pleaded for them to allocate resources to Zack but NO, he is not a big enough problem. He is only enough trouble for them to write letters to us about, and to put him in detention, and punish by excluding him, but they can't pick up the phone and call the local educational team and ask them to send someone or a few someones. Nope. Zack doesn't have 'special needs' and only special needs get resources. fuck fuck fuck.
It beggars belief.

One of the answers the teacher put on her questionnaire was that Zack's class mates are "fed up" with him. And I thought that was pretty honest. That really does sum up my impression of his peers' feeling toward him. No wonder he feels so lonely and isolated. I was telling the mother of the only special needs boy in his class yesterday, and she "had no idea" that Zack had any issues. She was also very surprised that he too had been invited to no birthday parties this year, just like her son.

If Zack didn't have us, fighting his corner, defending his myriad **insignificantly big enough issues**, they would write him off and not bother to sort out that fact that he can't read and he can't spell. And he doesn't have a modicum of attention required to get through school. And he constantly fidgets and touches other children. Helllooooo people !!!

I try so hard not to feel defensive.