taking it up a notch

it has been ANOTHER extremely difficult week. Last week Wednesday I got an email from the Headteacher to say that Zack had hurt another child in his class, Eden. When I questioned Zack about it he was very angry - he felt I was going to tell him off too, but I just wanted to understand what happened. He was probably also ashamed about the incident. It transpires that he and Danny (ongoing challenging peer) were playing "what's the time Mr Wolf" and he turned around too quickly, tripped and fell forward into Eden. They were in a line of children and so Zack fell into Eden's stomach. It wasn't intentional. However, this somehow happened again...
At this point you despair as a mother.
But Zack says it wasn't deliberate - it seems they were being silly boys, and Eden was still in front of him in the queue when he swung his arms out the second time.

And then on Thursday afternoon we were robbed - burgled in the middle of the day between 12:30 and 14:30. they took laptops, iPad, other bits and pieces but the big loss is the jewellery. I'm an idiot for keeping it all together so neatly. What an easy haul! It's been traumatic.

Zack wet his bed on Sunday night. Calvin has been having nightmares. Keith and I have been rowing.

On Monday Zack didn't want to participate in chess - he wanted to just watch and not take part. His coach was quite relaxed about it when he told me, and was sympathetic when I explained that we'd had a burglary and that it had affected Zack.

Last Friday, I'd taken Zack to the doctor to have a discussion about his hayfever which is awful at the moment. He can't breath in the mornings and evenings so we are now on a syrup, ventilator, eye drops and a nasal spray - the WHOLE caboodle. It seems to have had an impact ! Thank God for one sympathetic doctor.

However, when he took the medication into school on Monday, there was a unnecessary, very negative reaction from the school: I popped in to speak to each class teacher, to explain about the children being unsettled from the burglary. Ho hum - Zack's class teacher is OFF for two days AGAIN, so I couldn't talk to her. I then popped into the office to ask the secretary about their email, as I've been trying to arrange a meeting with the head, Zack's class teacher, the Senco, Zack's therapist, our therapist and ourselves. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. They don't seem to feel there's any hurry. It's infuriating. Apparently their email had been down for days, so I said I'd print out my email and bring it in. With all the emotion and questions about the burglary from teachers and other parents, it completely slipped my mind to sign Zack's medication form.

The school secretary rang me up and blasted me for not filling in a form for Zack's medication. It had slipped my mind what with trying to discuss the email and see BOTH class teachers before school started. She said the medication was going to poison children in the school, that it was strictly forbidden, and.. and.. and.. Like I'd deliberately sent the medication in to harm other children in the class, instead of helping my own. I was so shocked by her call and the antagonism in her voice that I had to ring her back and explain about the burglary and plead with her for some sympathy, while saying I would come into the office promptly and sign the forms.

On Tuesday after football Zack was in a particularly morose mood - again, because a child had been sticking it to him about his size. I want to lose the fucking plot sometimes when I hear this. I see the damage children's words have done to my son, and I feel helpless in so many ways. I can't control Zack's behaviour - the silly incident earlier last week when he hurt Eden is just an example. But there seems to be a vast ocean of shit that gets dumped on him every week, which he just has to suck up. And he's ONLY 8 !! For pity's sake.

You get to a tipping point. I'm tired of playing stupid games with the school where they let me know, either by email or letter about "incidents" involving Zack. I am now going into print every time Zack experiences something negative. No more mommy with a generous spirit = always patient, always kind, always polite, always giving "them" the benefit of the doubt.

If the head teacher believes that she can build up some sort of evidence bundle of why Zack is being stuck in the Senco's special group, then I am going to provide her with the counter-statements that show that he is being driven to this place DAILY by other children in her school, by a class teacher who does not let up on having a go at him, and general passivity on the part of authority figures who have failed him again, and again, and again. He is surrounded by unfair treatment and adults who seem to always be telling him what to do and shouting at him. It's all he hears, day in and day out.

Wednesday 18 June 2014

XXX

Headteacher

XXX

XXX

Dear XXX

Re : name calling incident at football yesterday afternoon

We are deeply concerned about something that happened yesterday – one of several similar incidents for Zack. On the way home from football Zack was tired and grumpy, and then became very self-critical, saying, “Why don't you just hit me on the head because I'm a chubby, fat loser”. Ruth was shocked and, as you can imagine, very saddened for him. He often feels down about himself, but hasn't said these words before.

She pressed him about where he'd heard that. After a while, he said that Jack, in year 4, had told him he is a “chubby, fat loser”.

Please will you have a word with this boy Jack?

Unfortunately there have been quite a few incidents where Zack has been teased about his weight and size (he is a head taller than most boys in his class). He is very sensitive about this and as you know his reaction in these situations can be physical, wanting to push children away. What really worries us is that this is becoming a repeated pattern of behaviour, where different children tease him in a similar manner, taunting him until he reacts physically. Zack is then punished for reacting to their unkindness.

We have always encouraged him to take this sort of thing to an adult, but we think he is struggling to see evidence that adults will really defend him or address the issue meaningfully. This is not acceptable banter and we think something needs to be raised more broadly at the school to address this directly.

We will make a point of raising the issue again if there are further incidents.

Yours faithfully,

No news... AIN'T good news

Wondering why I've been SSOOOOOoooooo quiet ? Don't wonder. Things have been pretty i.n.s.a.n.e. here. I feel massively insecure about "talking" about it... When you talk about it, it's like confessing. When you confess it implies that you've done something wrong - that you've failed. But really we're in a situation something of our own making, but also of our child's manufacture. Nature v Nurture. You've heard it before. There is a teetering see-saw that sometimes slams down onto the ground, but then other times you're cruising and you think it's going to be okay until the next slam. Basically we're just trying to tag one another and stay calm, deal with the tantrums, our own feelings of panic, the school's seeming acts of sabotage, people's impatience, other children's cruelty, the frustration, anger, highs and lows. He's only 8, he's only 8... we keep saying to ourselves, but yes... he's only eight years old. Anyone who meets him thinks he's 10 even 11. He's tall, he's big. He "seems" to be older than he really is. But he's only 8.
How do I tell people this ? I can't go to each person. Individually. and have the whole conversation with them. But how do I protect him ? He needs us to be his "shield", to care for him, to protect him from the world - people's unkindness, selfishness, insensitivity, judgemental-ness...

Yes, that's what it comes down to - being judged. Are you judging me because my kid is "different" ? Are you judging me because he's "difficult" ? People tell me he's bright. He's very intelligent.

I look at his peer group and they're all exhibiting this nasty attitude problem. Apparently 8 year olds have a 'testosterone blip' which makes them aggressive and full of anxiety. It's a time of sifting for them, but bloody hell, it's a time of sifting for THE entire FAMILY.

Tired. Alot of the time.

swing here. swing there

Yowzer, as the years pass, the blog postings have dribbled down to 1 per month on average. that is a sad and sorry state of affairs. I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I'm going to post. Some years there will be more, some less, that's life.
So! How're things ? Not bad actually. January is in-frickin-sane. I don't think I'm alone in saying that. There is just too much to do and catch up on, and administer... and sort out... and...
Eldest child is now stuck withh is class teacher from last year until the end of this academic year - the teacher who started with him in Year 3 turns out to be unable to complete his tenure. I real pity, but hey ho. It has its positives and negatives - continuity in having someone he knows, but hard as you're stuck with the problems from last year (personality-clash, teaching-style, or something). He is finding his groove slowly. He's growing up. I do love him so.
Youngest is more at ease, finding his way socially, is academically fine, musical and lucky him, naturally good looking. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I think he could grow an empathetic limb. He isn't naturally "feeling", so he'll need to work on that. He can be self-absorbed. Oh! he's a child, remember.
(aside: blogging about your children is slightly freaky. I wonder how much to put in, how much to leave out. can you be honest ? Will there be some paedo stalking me if I talk about my children? Will they hunt me down and find me, and steal my child, and sell him in the Middle or Far East ?....
doesn't bear thinking about.)
We've had the grandparents staying here (Come on! you've been reading the posts haven't you?). They have grandchildren on two continents. It's natural to compare. I think it's hard for them while it's easy for me - I just have to contend with what I face day to day. They have to make a life with one set of grand-children far away. Don't get me wrong - we miss them.
In Europe we don't have the glorious sunny weather (and skin cancer), but we didn't value it when we had it every day growing up. You only miss it when it's gone. At the same time, we (in Europe) do have oodles of culture, history, community, right on our doorstep. And despite the crummy weather I cycle, and Zack cycles with me. Granny is surprised (she's gob-smacked but was hiding it) that he is on the road, busy roads, with traffic lights, trucks, buses, going along here and there. He's cycled 11 miles and 14 miles, in varying lighting and weather conditions. Bless him! He's brilliant. He can moan like a drain when there's a long hill, but he sings little songs and chatters away to himself on the downhills. It makes you look at yourself and think, "Why am I so serious?".
Kids give you that.

... philosophical entry today

real. and healthy.

... or less to follow, as the case may be. I just don't have the time to write - it's crissmiss and my in-laws are here. the kids are on holiday. hell, I don't even have time to wash my hair, nevermind blog.

So it's 7.40am and I'm thinking of Shrek the Halls' take on Clement Clark Moore's poem, which opens with:
"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;..."
Altho it is now the 27th of December, the rest is true. All I can hear is the wind howling outside and the traffic noise starting to build up.

I've been lying awake in bed since 5:15am and thinking about emotional honesty and being real. How hard it is when you are a parent, to teach your children emotional honesty and to give them resilience. I'd say both my family and my in-laws have screwed up emotional worlds, so there isn't a whole lot to work with in the way of role models. I'm somewhere near the back of the queue on emotional expertise, but I would say that 4 3/4 years of therapy has taught me a thing or two.

It's been a big deal trying to get my husband to share the emotional load with me. In his family, no-one talks about how they feel. Feelings are VERY SCAREY!!!! So you don't let them out. Raising children means getting in touch with ALL your feelings - kids don't let you have anything of your own. You wanna go to the toilet, sorry, they're coming too. You wanna freak out? Yep, they're standing right there in front of you a) driving you to it, or b) watching the fall out. Every parent comes face to face with their best and their worst when rearing a child. Last week I felt like a bare-breasted Amazonian, in a corner, with my child in one arm and a sword in the other.

In our relationship, my husband doesn't do strong emotion. Nope, he leaves that to me. It was a small problem that reared its head every now and then, but it's become more of an issue as the kids have grown up. I end up being the 'angry' mommy. I'm the one who has to do the "feeling" while daddy stays calm as a cucumber. You can see how the scales tip and things fall out of kilter. It's not a healthy state of being, not long term. I get the yin-yang thing and yes, we are opposites, so it would naturally fall to being like that. I find comfort in his un-ruffleability. He loves my joie d'vivre. But there are times, when a daddy should be angry, or sad, or furious, or deflated, or down-right miserable. He no likey. I've found also that my emotional expression gets more extreme to compensate for the lack in him, which is terribly unhealthy. It ends up being mommy the crazy-lady, and daddy vanilla, eggshell, beige blob.

So! about teaching your kids emotional range, emotional health, emotional expression, elasticity, compassion and all that lies between the two polls of Nothing and Everything; How you gonna do that ?

A friend of mine blew a gasket and dumped her husband. That was 2 years ago. She'd been married for 14 years. Her parents are still married, but sit as far apart on the sofa as they possibly can. They share a bed. They don't hold hands. I spent Christmas with them, and they didn't exchange gifts. Her mother is mirroring her anxieties and frustration onto her grandchildren because she doesn't have the emotional tools to confront my friend or even just talk about her sadness and disappointment. It's all put into other people. Her father is furious but will not show it or discuss it. On the outside there's nothing to see when you talk to him - he has various hobbies in his retirement, spends an unhealthy amount of time on his iPad looking at crap. He doesn't connect emotionally with the world outside. He is an island. He seems to have a circle of friends, but is it mutual friendship or not (I suppose this is a question many of us ask, even of our "good" friends). His sibling relationship is strained - he has one sister, they don't speak much. it's her fault apparently.

So this is emotional landscape I find myself in. I need a map, or at least a compass.

porn accusations

So this week kicked off with a bomb being dropped on me. It was an unfounded accusation, and at the end of lots of investigation, we believe that our son is completely innocent. However, the days between Monday and Friday have been long and fraught with emotion.
I got an sms from a friend from school to say she'd like to have a chat about something. I said sure, when ? She said Monday after drop-off. Fine.
Monday morning we meet at the school gate, and start walking. She tells me she caught her son, the previous Thursday morning, looking at pornography on their iPad at home. He is in Zack's class.
When challenged, he declared that Zack had told him to look at the porn, and threatened to hit him if he didn't. And so she came to me...
Suffice it to say, we have looked at the search and browsing history on every device we own and their is NO evidence of visiting porn sites in the last few months. I don't believe that Zack is smart enough to hide his tracks yet. He struggles to log in to his profile sometimes, so I don't think he has the vaguest idea about deleting the browsing history or searching for cookies. If he had been up to something, we'd be able to find it with ease. Also, I know Zack, and he wears his heart on his sleeve. He wouldn't be able to cover up something like this.
In the end we decided not to raise it with Zack at all, as that would only make him want to know what his friend had done. Today Keith and I went back to the mum and said that we hadn't found anything, and that we don't believe that her son was telling the truth. We went further and asked why her son felt he should blame Zack?
This evening she made her son apologise to me. I was gracious and said, "it's OK". We need to leave it there really.

This is part of a much bigger issue in all directions. For starters, Zack has become the scapegoat in alot of stuff that happens at school - both in the classroom and on the playground.

What a week!....
(more to follow)

upstairs-downstairs : my own bedroom

A week or so ago, we put the boys in different bedrooms at bedtime. Zack had been having a tantrum and I just thought, "for pity's sake... Calvin needs some sleep." So I offered him the opportunity of going to sleep in our room. It was the right call - Calvin slept well, and Zack chilled out and went off to sleep eventually.
We knew we were onto something... but it took a bit of convincing...
Calvin has agreed to having his own bedroom WITHOUT a bunk bed will be just fine. Zack continues in his current bedroom, sleeping on the top of the bunkbed.
After a week of it, we're all happy with the new arrangement - bedtimes are calmer, easier to manage, everything is feeling fairer, and above all the children are sleeping well.
I guess the big question was/is : When is the right time for my kids to have their own room ? I don't think there's a definitive answer here. Some people are lucky to have the space for each child from the start, some share a bedroom until they move house to something bigger, some share a room until puberty, some until their late childhood, some forever; it's also dependent on whether you have all boys, all girls, or mixture. Honestly, I think your children just follow your lead. If there is no chance of your own space, then we all make do.
We're fortunate to have the space now, so our boys are in their own rooms. The eldest is claiming nyctophobia (fear of the dark), but has also started reading independently in bed. The youngest's flare for organising and tidying has meant a lovely tidy bedroom, which he is proud of. Hurrah !
Now all I have to do is throw away the Christmas decorations, sports gear, and spare photography boxes and Calvin will have a 'clear' bedroom....


.... not likely.

what to feed them ?

This is the topic of tomes and tomes of literature, but what I'm asking is 'what do I feed them?' within a context : Mummy is training really hard at the moment, I have no interest in big meals. Daddy comes home late and eats whatever is on the plate. Altho' my boys both eat well, and (here's a pat on my back) love fruit and veggies, I am concerned about two things :
1. quantity
2. time of day
Our youngest eats like a ravenous beast in the mornings. His first words EVERY MORNING are, "Mommy, pl'can I have some breakfast ?" which is so endearing. He takes his slender little frame downstairs, plonks himself on a chair, finds a bowl and proceeds to have 3 bowls of cereal. he doesn't always have the same thing - he likes Coco pops, he likes Weetabix, he likes Rice Crispies, he likes a bit of toast and jam, he likes porridge, he even likes All Bran Flakes. Sometimes he'll head off after that have have a nectarine, munch on an apple, or even beg for some yoghurt.
Our eldest is not the hungriest hunter at dawn. he's happy to have what the youngest is having (sibling rivalry and competitiveness is alive and well here), or what daddy's having - which is ALWAYS All Bran Flakes.

At lunchtime during the school week, I have learnt that I must not offer too many options. If I make the sandwiches and they choose which flavour of juice or yoghurt they're getting, that's quite enough. the youngest is not a big cheese eater. the eldest goes on cucumber sandwich eating binges. They often spot something in someone else's lunchbox that looks enticing, but once we buy it and it appears in theirs, their tune changes. sigh!

Dinners... (more to come on this)

I always have a big bowl of fruit in the kitchen - and I've always said, "help yourself anytime". It means we get through bananas by the dozen (usually over 2-3 days), apples in tens, grapes by the bag (I buy them in pairs now), nectarines, plums and peaches by the punnet, and other speciality items go down with varying success. Mangoes are a big hit. 'nuff said.

The youngest loves yoghurt, and that is often the only way to get him to eat his dinner. He is also a grazer, so will come back to his plate a few times before finishing it in the evenings. It's a tough one because I do want them to stay at the table until the meal is finished, which is impossible with him. the eldest is a great eater, and he'll eat all his dinner and ask for seconds often. he loves baked beans (I never did).

growing vegetables

We bought some tomato plants. Zack put them in the ground. I staked them (I need to learn more about that - symmetry and precision don't work). We are now harvesting a tiny crop of about 2 or 4 tomatoes per week,  to much excitement! What shall we grow next ?

frikkin' Wii

Zack is six. We have a Wii. We have 2 games - Mario Kart and Winter Olympic Games. Zack has played it more and more in the past few months and is getting really adept at Mario Kart. He now comes in 1st or 2nd place, BUT... and it's a big but... he can completely lose it if he doesn't win or come close. Just a few minutes ago he was coming 8th and he was FREAKING out. I turned the TV off, after asking him calm down again and again. Of course, this makes him even more angry. He doesn't seem to understand that it's just a game. That he can play it again and again. In the end he went to his bedroom because he couldn't stop freaking out. Sheesh! And he wants a DS. No way! Jose!

dangerous objects

walking in the snow in Burnham Wood last weekend.
Yes - that's me carrying Calvin's bike

So Calvin and Zack are interested in sharp knives AND fire. The latter because the electric ignition on our gas stove has gone on the blink, so we're using matches every time we cook anything. The former because they've observed the difference cutting with their kiddie implements and my kitchen knives has made. This week I had Calvin (now 3 1/2) cutting up carrots with a large knife - under supervision of course (for all your web trolls), and Zack slicing oranges and orange peels. It freaks me out completely and I think that's the end of that exercise, but isn't it interesting how children are drawn to these things ?

Someone once said to me that childhood is a long succession of near-death experiences. I guess that's one way of looking at it.

It made me think of a collection of children's stories I discovered about 10 years ago : Struwwel Peter. The stories were written more than 150 years ago and drive home the "if you do this, then that will happen to you" - usually death or punishment. Wowzer! How did I end up on such a bleak note? There are better ways to teach children safety in the home.