it's been a whole week

So after much deliberation, angst and consideration we decided that Zack could go on a week's camp during the holidays. It's run by a group called CPAS. I spoke to every parent I know who's kids have been on one and the all spoke of it in glowing terms, talking about the great team who run it, the care, the experience they bring to the event, the other children, the friends they'll make, the activities they'll do. So last week we drove down to a spot in the sticks and left our 8 year old son in the care of people we've not met before (bar one - a friend from church who's a co-leader).

We wrote to him on Monday and he sent us a postcard which arrived on Friday. We worried and fretted about how it was going. We looked at the emergency number and wondered if it would ring. It didn't. We didn't hear a thing. In the meantime Calvin was clingy and demanding. I was at his beck and call the entire week with one thing and the next. He got to do lots of fun things that he enjoys like going horse riding, softplay, seeing friends, hamburgers with dad, and more. We were busy and our lives were so much quieter and calmer. It was palpable - like the volume had been turned down.
The only challenge of course was that my mum was staying with us, so I had another needy family member to "care for".
Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am and drove down and collected him. He was delighted to see us, we were so relieved to see him. He was fine! Full of news and songs and all the things he'd got up to in the week. It appears (and we haven't heard any differently) that the week passed without incident.
Coming home made me feel again that there is a terrible dynamic that has arisen between he and us. He rages with frustration and the yoke of oppression (it seems that's how he sells it to himself), he will not be told what to do - time for bed, time to bath, put your shoes on. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want to be told. Anything.
He came back smelling, with matted hair and filthy feet. I let it go last night but this morning I said to him, "you have to bath before we go out today". Of course that lead to an enormous tantrum, with screaming and shouting. He shrieks with anger and frustration but then when you offer to help, or the alternative of time alone he plays it both ways screaming "GO! A!WAY!" and then when you leave the room, screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!" so you come back in again. And 'round and 'round it goes.
Consequences? You throw things around in your room - you tidy it up again. You thrash around in the bath and splash water on the walls and floor - you clean it up.
He doesn't know what he wants. He screams how much he hates me and rails against having a mother, but then what's the alternative?
I've always been a parent who thinks that boundaries, routine, courtesy are important for a child. We've given Zack this. And here we are. There is a dynamic between us - one that leads to this crazy behaviour which is so tormenting. We spend so much time and energy talking it down, trying to be massively empathetic, reinforcing our commitment to him as parents.

Last week's review session:
Zack struggles massively with frustration. This is a very early developmental stage, he has not exited it. He doesn't know what to do, and his volatility and raging just points to this.
 - Surprise! surprise! Sometimes therapy tells you stuff you already know, sometimes it tells you something new. We know he is frustrated. He's been like that since he was little. He wants his own way. Every day. Strangely I have struggled with frustration too - but I think so much of it was about growing up in South Africa, parents, the State, feeling like you're not in control of your own life. Zack feels like that, but he's only 8.
He does not have ADHD.
- So what do we do?
He is intelligent, but hugely over sensitive.
He has excellent EQ but lacks self-control.
He is not resilient. Is this my fault ? I struggle with 'what people say', and often doubt myself. Have I unwittingly passed this insecurity on to my child. If I have, how did that happen ? Is it the outworking of "...don't do what I do, do what I say". But that he's done what I do, and not listened to anything I've said about "you are wonderful. you are smart. you are kind. you are funny. you are clever." Has he bought into, "Am I good enough? Have I failed? Am I a bad mother?" and turned that into, "I am rubbish. I am a failure. I am a bad son." ??

We've given him stability, lots of one-on-one time, he is so demanding and has the most god-awful stubborn streak. He has learnt that digging his heels in, is his way of taking control. We can't meet a deadline if he decides that he's not doing it. He has also taught his brother to do this, altho' in Calvin it can be circumvented because I can still pick him up and put him in the car/bath. It absolutely kills me - wrestling control from an 8 year old. The therapists all say, "there is no maliciousness, no desire to deliberately hurt us, it's ALL IMPULSES." But when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that is the end of that. He is 50kgs+ and as solid as a rock. The armchair critics - yes, I know you're out there (the web is populated with your type) - would say, why is your kid so fat? Why aren't you taking control? You're such a shite parent. What's the matter with you? Honestly...
Honestly?

Two things in response to
anonymous critics online :
1. If you're without fault, cast the first stone. (AND I'll listen to what you have to say.)
2. a version of the quote about walking a mile in a man's shoes...
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"-- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

I cannot bear my eight year old's behaviour

Taking stock
Our son has been seeing a child psycho-therapist for 10 months. We see our own therapist as a complimentary therapy to everything that our son is enduring. We hoped psycho-therapy would make a difference - life is excruciating at home. The idea with therapy is that it becomes a receptacle for the "difficult" emotions, eg. anger, rage, frustration; and thereby alleviates the pressure in school- and home-situations. Now that his teacher is 'playing ball', things at school seem to be infinitismally better, but life at home has got harder and harder. We are not finding our dealings with our son easier, instead we are finding them harder, more volatile, more extreme, more high and low. He is more horrific in his dealings with us. I am sick-to-death of the screaming and vitriol. I don't have any energy, any joy, any strength left. I am now seeing my own therapist twice a week to "get through" each week. It's impossible to not feel resentful, not to hate your child's behaviour. The destruction and pain it wreaks, ripples on for days.

Environment
We had a meeting with the school to discuss his behaviour. It is BLATANTLY obvious that they're only interested in 1) good behaviour and 2) academic results, so that they can get the OFSTED ratings that they so covet and want to retain. That means there is no room for caring or EQ. They cannot proffer any emotional support to children, that's the kid's f--king own problem. All I hear is how much the headteacher cares about the children and pours herself into providing for them, helping them, assisting them. But my experience of my son being verbally bullied by other children, being spat on, being very slowly and cunningly excluded and side-lined, means I have 0% faith in those statements.
There are courses of action that the school has embarked on, without our consent, that have compromised the psycho-therapy. This past meeting left me with the impression that the bi-weekly "huddle" groups devised by the SENCO are a mixed group of children, boys and girls. The truth is that problem/ disruptive/ challenging BOYS are being pulled out and thrown together for a period of time, so that they aren't a (visible) problem during assembly. The school is putting a positive spin on it, but I think they're deliberately trying to put on a "show" of perfectly behaved children. Particularly in Friday assemblies, when parents of one of the classes (each class gets a turn, week after week) are on site for the entire assembly. Any issues would then be "on show" for all the world to see, and discuss, and mull over and JUDGE... so it's much safer to pull out the non-co-operative kids and put them in a separate room. Yup! that's what they're doing.

The reality is that my son is f--king hard work. He's a pain in the a-s-. He isn't a perfect little, vanilla, sit-quietly, listen-attentively, don't-rock-the-boat, kind of boy. He has a big personality, he is demanding, he is creative, he wants to show you that he can, he wants to be the star of the class, he wants to shine, to be praised. But there is SO f--king LITTLE of that to go around, and the only ones who get any praise, don't have Y chromosomes.

Our part in all this
I want to help. I want psycho-therapy to make a difference. We have altered our approach to parenting, we have felt completely at sea, we have drifted with the tide of rage and tantrums and been ship-wrecked on the rocks of despair. I don't have any answers, but there isn't anyone who does. We just take things a day at a time. Most of the time the days are piled high with shit, but we have moments of victory. This week, so far, I have had a few trips into school without incident, but mostly the day is stacked high with challenging, angry, raging, behaviour.
We are putting our trust and our hope in psycho-therapy, but definitely feel that we need to do more. There is NO-ONE to turn to. We don't know anyone who's been through this. Our own parents are completely useless - the tools that they've bequeathed to us are shite, useless and damaging. They don't have answers. Our friends are helpless and useless. Our true friends are standing by us, but that's just a 'shoulder to cry on'. We have experienced a crisis of faith - loyalty to God, Jesus and the church. True, we have gone through so much more than just this parenting issue (repeated crimes, fabric of our home poisoned with dry-rot, deceitful home sellers, depression, and so forth), but the subject of this blog is parenting, and coping as a family. It's been a crisis, and I have felt like I'm flayed by life.

Ahead ?
Following a weekend of extreme behaviour, on the back of a very difficult Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, we find ourselves asking the very big question about Zack's ability to turn himself around. We are trying everything to repair and mend and change his environment. That will take time. He does believe that he is unloveable, which is soul-destroying to watch as a mother. You can say "I love you" a million times, and it amounts to nought. He doesn't believe it.
His motivation, every day, in almost every action, is to prove to himself, that he is a failure, that he is not worth anything, that he isn't love-able, that he is friendless for a reason. It is no longer a daily thing, but is happening hourly in our home. The destruction, chaos and pain that it causes is harrowing. Both watching it play out; living with the aftermath of emotions; seeing the damage it does to your marital relationship; trying to contain the crippling effect it has on other siblings. We are both at the end of our tether - husband says he could endure much more, but I'm on my knees, on my face, lying prostrate on the ground, sobbing... waving a white flag....

I. . . . . . . . give . . . . . . . . . .up

I just can't go on like this any more. Something has to change.
So many putrifactions of advice have been given, so much arm-chair diagnoses has been made, that I am cautious to commit to any course of action.
However, in the face of a groundswell of evidence I do think that we are going to have to consider that our son has ADHD.
In my books, that is a swear-word. ADHD is some shite made up by Novartis to sell it's product.
I've been pouring over all the online articles, all the opinions, all the stories.
I'm going for some medical advice tomorrow, from a local paediatric MD/doc. Watch this space....

Oh! to Conquer ourselves...

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

the journey continues...
So we had our meeting with the head teacher, Senco, class teacher on Tuesday. Bits of it were positive. Too much of felt like what we were saying fell on deaf ears. We spoke about the spitting incident - raised, courageously, by the therapist - it feel on dumb, deaf, heartless, soulless ears. It's not helpful, it's not kind, it's not making me feel like they are 'on side'.
Honestly... it appeared that the school were defensive. There was a lot of gushy, "Oh! yes! we do this.. and we do that... and we're ALWAYS trying to build him up, be encouraging."
We questioned them on the dreaded "B" word.
Response : (deadpan) "No, there is no bullying in his class."
What am I supposed to infer from that ?
**f--kers**
My gut instinct is that these people are not to be trusted, but that at the moment, we have no choice. This is the institution that our son is enrolled in. In fact we have more than one child there, so there ARE consequences.
Good advice would say "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." but right now, I don't see any way of being a brown-noser to the headteacher and school secretary. The latter is an absolute f--king bitch, with a massive log in her cornea, the former is too powerful to tangle with. The ripples will affect the future of the innocents. It's a no-go-zone.
I do feel f--ked by the system. I did hate school. I was always delighted to be away from it all - part of me is a snob. Lowest common denominator: having to be mates with every single spiteful little bitch that's in your class, in your year, is soul-destroying. No-one listened and no-one cared.
I don't want the same for my sons.

taking it up a notch

it has been ANOTHER extremely difficult week. Last week Wednesday I got an email from the Headteacher to say that Zack had hurt another child in his class, Eden. When I questioned Zack about it he was very angry - he felt I was going to tell him off too, but I just wanted to understand what happened. He was probably also ashamed about the incident. It transpires that he and Danny (ongoing challenging peer) were playing "what's the time Mr Wolf" and he turned around too quickly, tripped and fell forward into Eden. They were in a line of children and so Zack fell into Eden's stomach. It wasn't intentional. However, this somehow happened again...
At this point you despair as a mother.
But Zack says it wasn't deliberate - it seems they were being silly boys, and Eden was still in front of him in the queue when he swung his arms out the second time.

And then on Thursday afternoon we were robbed - burgled in the middle of the day between 12:30 and 14:30. they took laptops, iPad, other bits and pieces but the big loss is the jewellery. I'm an idiot for keeping it all together so neatly. What an easy haul! It's been traumatic.

Zack wet his bed on Sunday night. Calvin has been having nightmares. Keith and I have been rowing.

On Monday Zack didn't want to participate in chess - he wanted to just watch and not take part. His coach was quite relaxed about it when he told me, and was sympathetic when I explained that we'd had a burglary and that it had affected Zack.

Last Friday, I'd taken Zack to the doctor to have a discussion about his hayfever which is awful at the moment. He can't breath in the mornings and evenings so we are now on a syrup, ventilator, eye drops and a nasal spray - the WHOLE caboodle. It seems to have had an impact ! Thank God for one sympathetic doctor.

However, when he took the medication into school on Monday, there was a unnecessary, very negative reaction from the school: I popped in to speak to each class teacher, to explain about the children being unsettled from the burglary. Ho hum - Zack's class teacher is OFF for two days AGAIN, so I couldn't talk to her. I then popped into the office to ask the secretary about their email, as I've been trying to arrange a meeting with the head, Zack's class teacher, the Senco, Zack's therapist, our therapist and ourselves. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. They don't seem to feel there's any hurry. It's infuriating. Apparently their email had been down for days, so I said I'd print out my email and bring it in. With all the emotion and questions about the burglary from teachers and other parents, it completely slipped my mind to sign Zack's medication form.

The school secretary rang me up and blasted me for not filling in a form for Zack's medication. It had slipped my mind what with trying to discuss the email and see BOTH class teachers before school started. She said the medication was going to poison children in the school, that it was strictly forbidden, and.. and.. and.. Like I'd deliberately sent the medication in to harm other children in the class, instead of helping my own. I was so shocked by her call and the antagonism in her voice that I had to ring her back and explain about the burglary and plead with her for some sympathy, while saying I would come into the office promptly and sign the forms.

On Tuesday after football Zack was in a particularly morose mood - again, because a child had been sticking it to him about his size. I want to lose the fucking plot sometimes when I hear this. I see the damage children's words have done to my son, and I feel helpless in so many ways. I can't control Zack's behaviour - the silly incident earlier last week when he hurt Eden is just an example. But there seems to be a vast ocean of shit that gets dumped on him every week, which he just has to suck up. And he's ONLY 8 !! For pity's sake.

You get to a tipping point. I'm tired of playing stupid games with the school where they let me know, either by email or letter about "incidents" involving Zack. I am now going into print every time Zack experiences something negative. No more mommy with a generous spirit = always patient, always kind, always polite, always giving "them" the benefit of the doubt.

If the head teacher believes that she can build up some sort of evidence bundle of why Zack is being stuck in the Senco's special group, then I am going to provide her with the counter-statements that show that he is being driven to this place DAILY by other children in her school, by a class teacher who does not let up on having a go at him, and general passivity on the part of authority figures who have failed him again, and again, and again. He is surrounded by unfair treatment and adults who seem to always be telling him what to do and shouting at him. It's all he hears, day in and day out.

Wednesday 18 June 2014

XXX

Headteacher

XXX

XXX

Dear XXX

Re : name calling incident at football yesterday afternoon

We are deeply concerned about something that happened yesterday – one of several similar incidents for Zack. On the way home from football Zack was tired and grumpy, and then became very self-critical, saying, “Why don't you just hit me on the head because I'm a chubby, fat loser”. Ruth was shocked and, as you can imagine, very saddened for him. He often feels down about himself, but hasn't said these words before.

She pressed him about where he'd heard that. After a while, he said that Jack, in year 4, had told him he is a “chubby, fat loser”.

Please will you have a word with this boy Jack?

Unfortunately there have been quite a few incidents where Zack has been teased about his weight and size (he is a head taller than most boys in his class). He is very sensitive about this and as you know his reaction in these situations can be physical, wanting to push children away. What really worries us is that this is becoming a repeated pattern of behaviour, where different children tease him in a similar manner, taunting him until he reacts physically. Zack is then punished for reacting to their unkindness.

We have always encouraged him to take this sort of thing to an adult, but we think he is struggling to see evidence that adults will really defend him or address the issue meaningfully. This is not acceptable banter and we think something needs to be raised more broadly at the school to address this directly.

We will make a point of raising the issue again if there are further incidents.

Yours faithfully,

No news... AIN'T good news

Wondering why I've been SSOOOOOoooooo quiet ? Don't wonder. Things have been pretty i.n.s.a.n.e. here. I feel massively insecure about "talking" about it... When you talk about it, it's like confessing. When you confess it implies that you've done something wrong - that you've failed. But really we're in a situation something of our own making, but also of our child's manufacture. Nature v Nurture. You've heard it before. There is a teetering see-saw that sometimes slams down onto the ground, but then other times you're cruising and you think it's going to be okay until the next slam. Basically we're just trying to tag one another and stay calm, deal with the tantrums, our own feelings of panic, the school's seeming acts of sabotage, people's impatience, other children's cruelty, the frustration, anger, highs and lows. He's only 8, he's only 8... we keep saying to ourselves, but yes... he's only eight years old. Anyone who meets him thinks he's 10 even 11. He's tall, he's big. He "seems" to be older than he really is. But he's only 8.
How do I tell people this ? I can't go to each person. Individually. and have the whole conversation with them. But how do I protect him ? He needs us to be his "shield", to care for him, to protect him from the world - people's unkindness, selfishness, insensitivity, judgemental-ness...

Yes, that's what it comes down to - being judged. Are you judging me because my kid is "different" ? Are you judging me because he's "difficult" ? People tell me he's bright. He's very intelligent.

I look at his peer group and they're all exhibiting this nasty attitude problem. Apparently 8 year olds have a 'testosterone blip' which makes them aggressive and full of anxiety. It's a time of sifting for them, but bloody hell, it's a time of sifting for THE entire FAMILY.

Tired. Alot of the time.

Oh daddy, Oh!

Would you like an hour or so to yourself after a Saturday-day of childcare (on top of a week of childcare)? If you pop out for coffee at 5:50pm and you come home at 7:10pm, you shouldn't worry about whether or not the kids are going to need dinner. You shouldn't have to pick up the phone and remind your husband, who is in charge, that the children need feeding. You don't need to remind him what the behavioural consequences are if you don't feed children timeously. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting a bit of time to yourself; leaving him in charge when he's got things to do, you're going to go mental if you don't leave the house NOW.
You shouldn't but you DO.
You shouldn't but you SHOULD HAVE.
You SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

f**kity > f**kity > f**kity

oh Zack. what next ?

Back at our therapy sessions after a 5-week break. Ruth (our therapist) walked through a few of the holiday incidents with us. Essentially we've come to the realisation that all the tools we have for parenting - inherited from our parents - are useless. They just don't work. Growing up in South Africa, respect was something garnered from fear. Fear of physical punishment - either a hiding with the wooden spoon, or the belt. That was how the game was played...
Parent : You respect me, or I'll beat the crap out of you.
We are in the enviable position of having a child who at the age of 7 was already too strong to manhandle. I cannot physically lead him to his bedroom if he doesn't want to go. He is too heavy to pick up (when he's having a tantrum) or even scoop up (in slumber). So any kind of physical direction, eg. "It's time to go to your bedroom" (try and lead him there), or "You need to leave your brother alone" (try and separate them) or "Give me the iPad, you can't have it any more because you won't listen/ have broken our agreement" (try and wrestle it out of his hands), is in vain. A complete waste of time.
The realisation that you have a starting point of less than zero, is a very sobering and depressing moment. I had a conversation with a friend about this during the holidays and he was horrified that I felt, I have no tools. We're the same age, and he insisted that I do have tools. So, let's see what tools I have :
1. my children are not rational
...A = I cannot use logic on them. My arguing about a point is wasted.
2. my children don't listen very well, particularly to my voice
...A = using alot of words is a waste of time.
3. authority. In this present age, who has authority ?
...A = I'm a provider of love, support, meals, roof, bed, clean clothing
4. discipline and control
...A = here is where the massive black hole exists. What do I do ?
4.1 I feel desperate when Zack is physically aggressive towards Keith. I tell him not to. But what am I appealing to? His sense of obligation ? He doesn't have one. His respect of his father ? I don't think he has much. Let's "do the right thing"? Ha! what's that ? Anyone ?
...A = Keith says not to worry. He's in control. But the physicality of the 'threat' (and believe me he knows, and is growing in knowledge, that he's strong) makes me fearful. I do feel like I need to "contain" that behaviour. *Therapist would say, "let go of the need to "contain" or "control". Just be". My response, "Oh. Okay!" but all the while I'm worried about the future and the consequences.... If I let Zack continue in this manner, he'll think it's okay to act in a menacing way when he's frustrated. Menacing towards his peers, menacing towards teachers, menacing towards other authority figures. What's the end point ?
4.2 Self-regulated behaviour in society
If 1, 2 and 3 are defunct, how on earth do I get my child to be a part of society? He has to learn to self-regulate. Books don't fix a damn thing but many of the lessons I've read recently have laid down the strong statistical case for children who learn to defer gratification. It's the one indicator for "success" in later life. If my son can't control himself, he can't defer anything. That means that the statistics are stacked against him - he isn't going to be able to sort out his shit in life. I can't fix that. How depressing!
4.3 We need to function in school. You can't run amok. You can't just opt out of the academic flow. Getting homework done is excrutiating. I fucking hate every moment of the cajoling, the bribing and the begging. But, again, it's all about finding a NEW way without any of 1, 2 or 3. I need to be the entertainer. I need to be the parent who makes learning fun.

The task is enormous and onerous.

I want to sit down and weep. Alot.

it's tooth time

Calvin lost his first tooth this week - bless him!

And Zack pulled out his 10th tooth (he counted them) this evening...

I'm running out of change.


Zack knows that "we" are the toothfairy. Calvin doesn't, so I'm having to remind Zack carefully, that he can't let the cat out of the bag. He asked me very earnestly the morning after the tooth fairy visited, "who" had put the money in the little, wooden tooth jar. I said, "Mommy & Daddy both did, AND THAT MEANS that the tooth fairy brought the money," OK?!
I think he got the message. Sheesh ! the loss of innocence, and the end of naivety. It all takes so much PR. I'm exhausted.
And now I've got to find another couple of pound coins to put under the eldest's pillow. Best I go and do that. Tooth fairy hat on

khuluma : family meeting

had a stroke of genius recently - with the help of the therapist - and have instated a "family round-table" on a monthly basis. All topics can be suggested by anyone, ie. Agenda is drawn up by all; You can only speak when you're holding the Lego, Abraham Lincoln (don't laugh); Keith keeps a note of all decisions made and agreed upon, ie. he is secretary and all items put forwarded are only tabled if there is 100% agreement.

Today we covered:
• being on time
• listening to instructions - once (penalties for repeating instructions)
• homework
• time on the computer/ iPad

Apparently there is more to discuss. Zack and Calvin wish to call another meeting a.s.a.p.

:-)

swing here. swing there

Yowzer, as the years pass, the blog postings have dribbled down to 1 per month on average. that is a sad and sorry state of affairs. I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I'm going to post. Some years there will be more, some less, that's life.
So! How're things ? Not bad actually. January is in-frickin-sane. I don't think I'm alone in saying that. There is just too much to do and catch up on, and administer... and sort out... and...
Eldest child is now stuck withh is class teacher from last year until the end of this academic year - the teacher who started with him in Year 3 turns out to be unable to complete his tenure. I real pity, but hey ho. It has its positives and negatives - continuity in having someone he knows, but hard as you're stuck with the problems from last year (personality-clash, teaching-style, or something). He is finding his groove slowly. He's growing up. I do love him so.
Youngest is more at ease, finding his way socially, is academically fine, musical and lucky him, naturally good looking. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I think he could grow an empathetic limb. He isn't naturally "feeling", so he'll need to work on that. He can be self-absorbed. Oh! he's a child, remember.
(aside: blogging about your children is slightly freaky. I wonder how much to put in, how much to leave out. can you be honest ? Will there be some paedo stalking me if I talk about my children? Will they hunt me down and find me, and steal my child, and sell him in the Middle or Far East ?....
doesn't bear thinking about.)
We've had the grandparents staying here (Come on! you've been reading the posts haven't you?). They have grandchildren on two continents. It's natural to compare. I think it's hard for them while it's easy for me - I just have to contend with what I face day to day. They have to make a life with one set of grand-children far away. Don't get me wrong - we miss them.
In Europe we don't have the glorious sunny weather (and skin cancer), but we didn't value it when we had it every day growing up. You only miss it when it's gone. At the same time, we (in Europe) do have oodles of culture, history, community, right on our doorstep. And despite the crummy weather I cycle, and Zack cycles with me. Granny is surprised (she's gob-smacked but was hiding it) that he is on the road, busy roads, with traffic lights, trucks, buses, going along here and there. He's cycled 11 miles and 14 miles, in varying lighting and weather conditions. Bless him! He's brilliant. He can moan like a drain when there's a long hill, but he sings little songs and chatters away to himself on the downhills. It makes you look at yourself and think, "Why am I so serious?".
Kids give you that.

... philosophical entry today

real. and healthy.

... or less to follow, as the case may be. I just don't have the time to write - it's crissmiss and my in-laws are here. the kids are on holiday. hell, I don't even have time to wash my hair, nevermind blog.

So it's 7.40am and I'm thinking of Shrek the Halls' take on Clement Clark Moore's poem, which opens with:
"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;..."
Altho it is now the 27th of December, the rest is true. All I can hear is the wind howling outside and the traffic noise starting to build up.

I've been lying awake in bed since 5:15am and thinking about emotional honesty and being real. How hard it is when you are a parent, to teach your children emotional honesty and to give them resilience. I'd say both my family and my in-laws have screwed up emotional worlds, so there isn't a whole lot to work with in the way of role models. I'm somewhere near the back of the queue on emotional expertise, but I would say that 4 3/4 years of therapy has taught me a thing or two.

It's been a big deal trying to get my husband to share the emotional load with me. In his family, no-one talks about how they feel. Feelings are VERY SCAREY!!!! So you don't let them out. Raising children means getting in touch with ALL your feelings - kids don't let you have anything of your own. You wanna go to the toilet, sorry, they're coming too. You wanna freak out? Yep, they're standing right there in front of you a) driving you to it, or b) watching the fall out. Every parent comes face to face with their best and their worst when rearing a child. Last week I felt like a bare-breasted Amazonian, in a corner, with my child in one arm and a sword in the other.

In our relationship, my husband doesn't do strong emotion. Nope, he leaves that to me. It was a small problem that reared its head every now and then, but it's become more of an issue as the kids have grown up. I end up being the 'angry' mommy. I'm the one who has to do the "feeling" while daddy stays calm as a cucumber. You can see how the scales tip and things fall out of kilter. It's not a healthy state of being, not long term. I get the yin-yang thing and yes, we are opposites, so it would naturally fall to being like that. I find comfort in his un-ruffleability. He loves my joie d'vivre. But there are times, when a daddy should be angry, or sad, or furious, or deflated, or down-right miserable. He no likey. I've found also that my emotional expression gets more extreme to compensate for the lack in him, which is terribly unhealthy. It ends up being mommy the crazy-lady, and daddy vanilla, eggshell, beige blob.

So! about teaching your kids emotional range, emotional health, emotional expression, elasticity, compassion and all that lies between the two polls of Nothing and Everything; How you gonna do that ?

A friend of mine blew a gasket and dumped her husband. That was 2 years ago. She'd been married for 14 years. Her parents are still married, but sit as far apart on the sofa as they possibly can. They share a bed. They don't hold hands. I spent Christmas with them, and they didn't exchange gifts. Her mother is mirroring her anxieties and frustration onto her grandchildren because she doesn't have the emotional tools to confront my friend or even just talk about her sadness and disappointment. It's all put into other people. Her father is furious but will not show it or discuss it. On the outside there's nothing to see when you talk to him - he has various hobbies in his retirement, spends an unhealthy amount of time on his iPad looking at crap. He doesn't connect emotionally with the world outside. He is an island. He seems to have a circle of friends, but is it mutual friendship or not (I suppose this is a question many of us ask, even of our "good" friends). His sibling relationship is strained - he has one sister, they don't speak much. it's her fault apparently.

So this is emotional landscape I find myself in. I need a map, or at least a compass.

porn accusations

So this week kicked off with a bomb being dropped on me. It was an unfounded accusation, and at the end of lots of investigation, we believe that our son is completely innocent. However, the days between Monday and Friday have been long and fraught with emotion.
I got an sms from a friend from school to say she'd like to have a chat about something. I said sure, when ? She said Monday after drop-off. Fine.
Monday morning we meet at the school gate, and start walking. She tells me she caught her son, the previous Thursday morning, looking at pornography on their iPad at home. He is in Zack's class.
When challenged, he declared that Zack had told him to look at the porn, and threatened to hit him if he didn't. And so she came to me...
Suffice it to say, we have looked at the search and browsing history on every device we own and their is NO evidence of visiting porn sites in the last few months. I don't believe that Zack is smart enough to hide his tracks yet. He struggles to log in to his profile sometimes, so I don't think he has the vaguest idea about deleting the browsing history or searching for cookies. If he had been up to something, we'd be able to find it with ease. Also, I know Zack, and he wears his heart on his sleeve. He wouldn't be able to cover up something like this.
In the end we decided not to raise it with Zack at all, as that would only make him want to know what his friend had done. Today Keith and I went back to the mum and said that we hadn't found anything, and that we don't believe that her son was telling the truth. We went further and asked why her son felt he should blame Zack?
This evening she made her son apologise to me. I was gracious and said, "it's OK". We need to leave it there really.

This is part of a much bigger issue in all directions. For starters, Zack has become the scapegoat in alot of stuff that happens at school - both in the classroom and on the playground.

What a week!....
(more to follow)

upstairs-downstairs : my own bedroom

A week or so ago, we put the boys in different bedrooms at bedtime. Zack had been having a tantrum and I just thought, "for pity's sake... Calvin needs some sleep." So I offered him the opportunity of going to sleep in our room. It was the right call - Calvin slept well, and Zack chilled out and went off to sleep eventually.
We knew we were onto something... but it took a bit of convincing...
Calvin has agreed to having his own bedroom WITHOUT a bunk bed will be just fine. Zack continues in his current bedroom, sleeping on the top of the bunkbed.
After a week of it, we're all happy with the new arrangement - bedtimes are calmer, easier to manage, everything is feeling fairer, and above all the children are sleeping well.
I guess the big question was/is : When is the right time for my kids to have their own room ? I don't think there's a definitive answer here. Some people are lucky to have the space for each child from the start, some share a bedroom until they move house to something bigger, some share a room until puberty, some until their late childhood, some forever; it's also dependent on whether you have all boys, all girls, or mixture. Honestly, I think your children just follow your lead. If there is no chance of your own space, then we all make do.
We're fortunate to have the space now, so our boys are in their own rooms. The eldest is claiming nyctophobia (fear of the dark), but has also started reading independently in bed. The youngest's flare for organising and tidying has meant a lovely tidy bedroom, which he is proud of. Hurrah !
Now all I have to do is throw away the Christmas decorations, sports gear, and spare photography boxes and Calvin will have a 'clear' bedroom....


.... not likely.

when I'm big...

an afternoon with Calvin's godparents

We're walking home from school today and Calvin declares, "When I'm big I'm going to be an artist..." and then after a short consideration, "or an astronaut".
To which Zack replied, "I'm going to be a scientist."

that's that then.

Letter draft

Dear Mr [school teacher/head teacher]

Zack, the crying and the tantrums :

Zack is hard work. I know - he is my son.
Zack cries and has tantrums. He is 7 1/2 years old. I find myself asking, regularly, “is this normal ?” But is that a helpful question? The truth is he IS doing these things. Now I’m asking, “What do you and I do to help him grow and cope?” I say ‘you and I’ because he spends 6 hours a day with you and 6 waking-hours with me.

In a world driven by targets and developmental goals, the starting point seems to be “Zack should be X”. eg. Zack should be able to deal with frustration at this age. Zack should be able to take it on the chin when things don’t go his way at this age. Zack shouldn’t be upset when he isn’t the centre of attention, at this age. Zack should want to be a team player. Zack should be reading better at this stage. Zack should be able to control his anger. Zack should be able to speak about what frustrates him by now. Are ALL of these statements true though ?

Teachers : the words that you say and what comes out of your mouth are a lead and give a cue to the children in your care. Zack has come home saying “[teaching assistant) called me a cry-baby” - this means Year 3 now have permission to say to “Zack, you’re a cry baby”. In the same way we give the class permission to say Alex is different, and they follow your lead, this is now a label.
Teacher’s wield enormous power and the words that they use shape the lives of those they teach. What you say becomes ‘the way it is’. I weep when I hear, and see, how Zack is actively excluding himself from what should be a normal social life at school. His saying, “my friends all hate me. They’re all mean”, makes me wonder what’s going on. He feels like an outsider, that idea is not being corrected, and he is acting that out every day. He says he has no-one to play with, that he sits on the Friendship Bench and no-one comes and asks him to join them. At the same time however, he’ll say, “only [another boy]” is my friend. It sounds horribly isolated, but is it all true? Talking to [teacher], apparently it isn’t.

Isolation v. Love and Acceptance

He’s 7 years old. He shouldn’t be feeling lonely and unloved in a class like this. His peers are a great bunch of kids. Yes, we can use platitudes like “Kids will be kids” and “Children are terribly cruel aren’t they?” - those are both true. But there’s a huge difference between ALLOWING them to be like that by fostering a culture of unkindness and cruelty through passivity; and calling on them to recognize that there’s a person inside each of them who feels lonely, and just wants a friend to play with; who cries when he doesn’t have words for what he feels. Zack is not unique in having a tantrum and crying. It seems however, that he is unique in the frequency, length and magnitude thereof.

Please can we try and find words of compassion and understanding?

There is a need and I believe we are all acting in unison on this, for clearly defined boundaries. He needs to know where the boundaries are - that he can go no further; that he’s crossed the line; that there are consequences to his actions. Punishment is outre today. Instead I hear that we have times of reflection, time out, forfeiting playtime or fun activities. This is all in keeping with what we do at home. Let’s continue to reinforce these, in unison.

He is the 2nd tallest and heaviest in your class. (One of those he has no control over, the other is something we talk about every day - making healthy choices, eating the right foods). He’s also more sensitive than he has permission to be. I don’t think any of us allow him to be sensitive - that’s why the crying illicits such a strong response in others. We all want him to TOUGHEN UP.
I recognize that it’s frustrating when he cries and has a tanty, it’s happening at home too. I feel desperate sometimes as it’s so disempowering when he “kicks off”, and in a classroom that must be even more acute. When he’s in full swing, he is unapproachable, and uncontainable. But that’s where we are.

How do we give him the tools to grow from here ? We can’t continue like this - not for our sake and sanity, the sake of his class, or most importantly, his own development - the future.
Labeling him isn’t going to help I don’t think, even if it’s the most obvious thing. We don’t say to little girls, “don’t be such a bitch” even if they say the most awful, nasty things to their friends. Yes children are unkind, but we can find ways of showing them how to be more magnanimous. If we’re teaching socially acceptable behaviour, we need to foster inclusion. Can we actively include Zack in more?

I don’t want special treatment. I wish he was invisible and beige, that he did his work, didn’t talk back, played quietly, didn’t give us any trouble at all. But that is a fantasy. I love that Zack is Zack. He is unique. But he has to learn to fit into a social setting - that he can’t be the centre of attention all the time; that he can’t have it all his own way; that he shouldn’t take what people do and say, so keenly, to heart. Does he have the tools for that ? We trying to model it at home as best we can. You provide a framework at school which synchronizes (we hope) with what we say at home. I cannot control his responses. I cannot force him to behave in a certain way – without manacles and a heavy sedative. But I can try and shape his environment, and in this I appeal to you to help me: please help him to feel accepted.

Please can we all try, together, to aid him in this.

Yours Faithfully,

------------------------------------------------------------------------

There it is. Upset and traumatized mummy writes a letter to the Head Teacher and Class Teacher. Things are completely over-dramatized, I am accusatory, I am taking this very personally. yeah yeah yeah.

Get in line. Being a Mum is f**king hard work

muddling along

So how are my gorgeous boys doing ? yes, they're fine. It's all swings and round-abouts with kids, isn't it ? A few days last week were not so great, and one evening this week was awful, but overall things are fine and they're lovely kids. Typical boys : they're full of 'bounce', always falling over one another like puppies, lots of horse-play, kicking balls, having sword fights, splashing one another in the bath, and the conspiratorial whispering too :)
A few happy photos below

butter wouldn't melt....

a recent addition to the train set. an enormous station

"I want the nail polish to be a pattern Mommy"

iPad addicts

playing with my "girlfriend" Meggie

oh! the Tantrums, the tantrums, the @£$%^ tantrums

what a week it has been. 7year old has gone for the "Big Daddy" approach - kill mommy with tantrums and freaking out. Monday was the worst day, Tuesday was a bit better, Wednesday we ramped it up again, Thursday was passable, and Friday (sorry Wham, it wasn't the best day!) was the doppio day. All he wants is attention, but @£$%!£ hell. The method is driving me mental. I don't even want to see him after this week, but I've got the whole weekend ahead of me.

Sigh

Sigh

Sigh

Trying to remember that I'm the adult. Do not get involved in any arguments with the CHILD. Walk away. Don't get embroiled. Don't blow a gasket.

it's time to go

Oh joy of joys ! There is nothing quite like going to collect your children from a play date. "Pick up time" : it sows dread in the heart of even the strongest mother. I just despise it - you forewarn them that it's going to happen, you tell them that when you arrive we are going to have to leave. You try and manage their expectations, but there's still the wailing and gnashing of teeth at 'home time'. It drives me to distraction.
One is physically too strong for me to force out of the house and too heavy to pick up. The other goes for a different tack - he attacks his friend as we're about to leave. Is there some weird need for attention? Are they trying to get back at me, for calling an end to the fun ? yes. that's it.

THEY'RE ONLY CHILDREN

money matters

I have opened bank accounts for both children now. I decided to go to Santander as they're local and we have our mortgage with them. I seldom use a high street bank, but convenience is important and you have to start somewhere. Zack has seized the idea with both hands - already deposited £15.50 into his account (from pocket money and tooth fairy savings), and has acquired a further £10 + while we were on holiday which he's ready to deposit. He has such a generous spirit : yesterday we went to the bank at 5:20pm to discover it closes at 5pm, so we crossed the road and went for a Starbucks. I'd paid for drinks and a nibble each, but then he insisted on buying Calvin a further lollypop and himself a biscuit - with the money he had in his purse (which was en-route to the now, closed bank). And then insisted on buying a bag of crisps for me. Bless him, he has a very giving nature.

at Huntsville Alabama, the national Space & Rocket Centre

My attitude | Their attitude
While in the USA on holiday (Spring Break / Easter hols), I genuinely struggled with their ingratitude. It's so difficult when you're away from home, living in different accommodation every night, eating out or having take-aways for at least 2 meals a day. On the one hand I'm delighted that they're confident and and can ask anyone for help or assistance; on the other hand, their attitude of 'this is what I want, and I want it now' really erked me. The transition from lower middle class in my childhood, to the affluent upbringing that our children are having is a difficult one to navigate. You want your children to realise the value of things : not just money, but what goes into a holiday, the value of labour, the value of these unique experiences. We will be in South Africa for all of August and I'm thinking very seriously of spending a few days at an orphanage in Soweto with a friend of mine so that they can see first-hand what it is to have no parents, no toys, in need.
Zack has been studying "Fairtrade" at school, and seems to have an understanding of poverty. It chimes with his generosity, it's true. I'd like to flesh that out a bit though.

Calvin is still a very self-contained little boy. I did however have an insight into his personality while we were away, thanks to Greg's comments. Calvin really looks up to Zack - hero worship - and feels very protective of him. So when Zack has a tantrum, it's Calvin who 'feels' the agony/frustration. There is a symbiosis there which we, as parents, are not plugged into. I hadn't recognised it until we were out of our normal environment, and I think I don't see it at home because Calvin is so quiet in himself. My eyes have been opened, and I will now be looking to him as a barometer of Zack's emotional well-being.

farewell full fat milk

Zack will be turning 7 in just a few days time, and Calvin is 4 1/2. More and more they've been using the 'green' milk (milk labels in the UK are green for semi-skimmed, blue for full fat, and red for fat free). I've decided to stop buying the full-fat milk now. They're both well and truly onto solids, and I don't think there's much need to be buying two different kinds of milk anymore. I haven't done any reading about it - ignorance is bliss. Perhaps I should ? who has time...