Friday, October 22, 2010

wisdom needed : post here

It was Zack's Parent-Teachers meeting last night. Overall he's come back with great feedback, except for the hitting of classmates. His teacher has put it as "zero tolerance of physical aggression". Obviously he's not alone and there are a few boys that are setting one another off (I saw it happen in the playground yesterday when another little boy was playing with Zack after school, on the slide, and he just hit Zack as they were sliding down. Zack then retaliated).
Keith and I have been talking about this for the past few weeks, as it's been in the headlines. It is so much about the how of dealing with it, and what to do. Zack does thrive on positive reinforcement, so the carrot of praise is ever before us. The real challenge however is the initiate, the beginning, the 'what starts it'? question.
We have drummed it into him that he cannot hit other children, (just like we used to say, "no biting"). We have drummed it into him that if someone hits him, he must tell the teacher. Immediately.
I feel like he's getting mixed messages though. If Calvin hits him here at home, he tells me, and I say "Calvin is very naughty, isn't he?", and then I tell Calvin off. But there really isn't any justice in that is there?
Talking to my counselor, she's said that it's just massive emotional need that exists within children of this age, and they can't tell you what or why. So if Zack is full of emotion and someone hits him, going and telling the teacher seems like an insipid plea for justice in that situation. I really, really need to get my head around this.

2 comments:

Mama Feline said...

http://forum.supernanny.com/showthread.php?t=27707

The above might help?

Greg said...

Hey Ruth, as you know I have 23 of my own children, so I feel well-positioned to be commenting on the rearing of children :) So take this with a pinch of salt (add tequila & lemon if that helps too)

I think all kids experience some rage where they hit out at other kids. In Zack's case, given his size, he can easily get away with it - which just makes it easier for him to turn it into a 'natural' behaviour. Other kids may be more restrained for fear of being hit back!

I agree that calmly complaining to a teacher is not quite going to replace the relief of lashing out. But what if you taught him something violent but controlled to do. For example, what if you teach him to react be stamping his foot and saying "No!" - and then going to complain to the teacher.

Perhaps that will at least be an outlet to the anger, but in this case not aimed at anyone's body.

FWIW
Greg