I cannot bear my eight year old's behaviour

Taking stock
Our son has been seeing a child psycho-therapist for 10 months. We see our own therapist as a complimentary therapy to everything that our son is enduring. We hoped psycho-therapy would make a difference - life is excruciating at home. The idea with therapy is that it becomes a receptacle for the "difficult" emotions, eg. anger, rage, frustration; and thereby alleviates the pressure in school- and home-situations. Now that his teacher is 'playing ball', things at school seem to be infinitismally better, but life at home has got harder and harder. We are not finding our dealings with our son easier, instead we are finding them harder, more volatile, more extreme, more high and low. He is more horrific in his dealings with us. I am sick-to-death of the screaming and vitriol. I don't have any energy, any joy, any strength left. I am now seeing my own therapist twice a week to "get through" each week. It's impossible to not feel resentful, not to hate your child's behaviour. The destruction and pain it wreaks, ripples on for days.

Environment
We had a meeting with the school to discuss his behaviour. It is BLATANTLY obvious that they're only interested in 1) good behaviour and 2) academic results, so that they can get the OFSTED ratings that they so covet and want to retain. That means there is no room for caring or EQ. They cannot proffer any emotional support to children, that's the kid's f--king own problem. All I hear is how much the headteacher cares about the children and pours herself into providing for them, helping them, assisting them. But my experience of my son being verbally bullied by other children, being spat on, being very slowly and cunningly excluded and side-lined, means I have 0% faith in those statements.
There are courses of action that the school has embarked on, without our consent, that have compromised the psycho-therapy. This past meeting left me with the impression that the bi-weekly "huddle" groups devised by the SENCO are a mixed group of children, boys and girls. The truth is that problem/ disruptive/ challenging BOYS are being pulled out and thrown together for a period of time, so that they aren't a (visible) problem during assembly. The school is putting a positive spin on it, but I think they're deliberately trying to put on a "show" of perfectly behaved children. Particularly in Friday assemblies, when parents of one of the classes (each class gets a turn, week after week) are on site for the entire assembly. Any issues would then be "on show" for all the world to see, and discuss, and mull over and JUDGE... so it's much safer to pull out the non-co-operative kids and put them in a separate room. Yup! that's what they're doing.

The reality is that my son is f--king hard work. He's a pain in the a-s-. He isn't a perfect little, vanilla, sit-quietly, listen-attentively, don't-rock-the-boat, kind of boy. He has a big personality, he is demanding, he is creative, he wants to show you that he can, he wants to be the star of the class, he wants to shine, to be praised. But there is SO f--king LITTLE of that to go around, and the only ones who get any praise, don't have Y chromosomes.

Our part in all this
I want to help. I want psycho-therapy to make a difference. We have altered our approach to parenting, we have felt completely at sea, we have drifted with the tide of rage and tantrums and been ship-wrecked on the rocks of despair. I don't have any answers, but there isn't anyone who does. We just take things a day at a time. Most of the time the days are piled high with shit, but we have moments of victory. This week, so far, I have had a few trips into school without incident, but mostly the day is stacked high with challenging, angry, raging, behaviour.
We are putting our trust and our hope in psycho-therapy, but definitely feel that we need to do more. There is NO-ONE to turn to. We don't know anyone who's been through this. Our own parents are completely useless - the tools that they've bequeathed to us are shite, useless and damaging. They don't have answers. Our friends are helpless and useless. Our true friends are standing by us, but that's just a 'shoulder to cry on'. We have experienced a crisis of faith - loyalty to God, Jesus and the church. True, we have gone through so much more than just this parenting issue (repeated crimes, fabric of our home poisoned with dry-rot, deceitful home sellers, depression, and so forth), but the subject of this blog is parenting, and coping as a family. It's been a crisis, and I have felt like I'm flayed by life.

Ahead ?
Following a weekend of extreme behaviour, on the back of a very difficult Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, we find ourselves asking the very big question about Zack's ability to turn himself around. We are trying everything to repair and mend and change his environment. That will take time. He does believe that he is unloveable, which is soul-destroying to watch as a mother. You can say "I love you" a million times, and it amounts to nought. He doesn't believe it.
His motivation, every day, in almost every action, is to prove to himself, that he is a failure, that he is not worth anything, that he isn't love-able, that he is friendless for a reason. It is no longer a daily thing, but is happening hourly in our home. The destruction, chaos and pain that it causes is harrowing. Both watching it play out; living with the aftermath of emotions; seeing the damage it does to your marital relationship; trying to contain the crippling effect it has on other siblings. We are both at the end of our tether - husband says he could endure much more, but I'm on my knees, on my face, lying prostrate on the ground, sobbing... waving a white flag....

I. . . . . . . . give . . . . . . . . . .up

I just can't go on like this any more. Something has to change.
So many putrifactions of advice have been given, so much arm-chair diagnoses has been made, that I am cautious to commit to any course of action.
However, in the face of a groundswell of evidence I do think that we are going to have to consider that our son has ADHD.
In my books, that is a swear-word. ADHD is some shite made up by Novartis to sell it's product.
I've been pouring over all the online articles, all the opinions, all the stories.
I'm going for some medical advice tomorrow, from a local paediatric MD/doc. Watch this space....

Oh! to Conquer ourselves...

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha

the journey continues...
So we had our meeting with the head teacher, Senco, class teacher on Tuesday. Bits of it were positive. Too much of felt like what we were saying fell on deaf ears. We spoke about the spitting incident - raised, courageously, by the therapist - it feel on dumb, deaf, heartless, soulless ears. It's not helpful, it's not kind, it's not making me feel like they are 'on side'.
Honestly... it appeared that the school were defensive. There was a lot of gushy, "Oh! yes! we do this.. and we do that... and we're ALWAYS trying to build him up, be encouraging."
We questioned them on the dreaded "B" word.
Response : (deadpan) "No, there is no bullying in his class."
What am I supposed to infer from that ?
**f--kers**
My gut instinct is that these people are not to be trusted, but that at the moment, we have no choice. This is the institution that our son is enrolled in. In fact we have more than one child there, so there ARE consequences.
Good advice would say "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." but right now, I don't see any way of being a brown-noser to the headteacher and school secretary. The latter is an absolute f--king bitch, with a massive log in her cornea, the former is too powerful to tangle with. The ripples will affect the future of the innocents. It's a no-go-zone.
I do feel f--ked by the system. I did hate school. I was always delighted to be away from it all - part of me is a snob. Lowest common denominator: having to be mates with every single spiteful little bitch that's in your class, in your year, is soul-destroying. No-one listened and no-one cared.
I don't want the same for my sons.