We got to a point where we really needed more answers so we took Zack to a psychiatrist, recommended by the psychotherapists. She has diagnosed him with some autistic traits (so he's neither autistic, NOR on the autistic spectrum, but exhibits some traits - which, now that I've done quite a lot of reading, are common in MOST HUMAN BEINGS!). He has developed a lack of social awareness and empathy, a lack of impulse control, obstructive, confrontational and non-compliant behaviour - whahey ! it's not rocket science.
Zack is suffering from depression, but he is also suffering from despair. No surprises there!
The sad, sad news though is that we cannot medicate him... we can't help him by removing the highs and the lows chemically. He has to keep going, however hard it is for all of us. No drugs - it's too risky. We were gutted to hear.
She is sure he doesn't have ADHD nor is he bipolar. That's something! a little twinkle.
He has O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiant disorder) which basically comes down to a 'naughty child' label. It's negative and disruptive behaviour aimed at those in authority, particularly parents and teachers. Apparently it's very common in kids with ADHD... BUT Zack doesn't have ADHD. hmmm....
At some point in his early emotional development he has gone off on a different path. Some of the resulting behaviours have now become quite entrenched and will be difficult to unlearn. She was optimistic: it is possible with the “right” support, and we hope that he’ll be able to find his way back to a ‘normal’ trajectory, or at least learn coping mechanisms to do so.
She said the very best thing we could do now is find him a new school which will offer more emotional support and change the approach to his therapy. Guess what I'm doing with my time ?!
It's been quite an arduous journey thus far... who knows whether we'll find a school in time. There are days when I feel hopeless, there are days when I think there's a glimmer.
I recognise that I just have to take it one day at a time. That's all there is.
Showing posts with label psychiatry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychiatry. Show all posts
Monday, April 27, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
HARSH
Hmmm... and we keep moving forward. The last few weeks of January, back at school, have been very up and down. First week was okay, second week was the worst we've had in the past 7 months, and the last week has been better. We were trying to connect the dots about what had pre-empted the terrible week: What changed? what's what what? what? That's what we spend most of our time doing in therapy. slowly un-picking the "what happened" of the past week.
Have you read "The Shock of the Fall"? by Nathan Filer
On the back of the horrible Xmas holidays, I started looking at stuff online. I've also been going through my own personal crisis - wanting to exit, leave the family home, feeling like nothing I do or say is any help. Feeling useless, unappreciated, broken down, hated.
Sometimes I feel like our family is crashing, smashing, disintegrating, falling apart, crisis-ing, imploding, collapsing in very. slow. motion.
This poem and it's corollary were very much on my lips that last January week :
Philip Larkin, “This Be the Verse” from Collected Poems. Used by permission of The Society of Authors as the Literary Representative of the Estate of Philip Larkin.
They tuck you up, your mum and dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.
They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.
Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.
(This poem, a response to this one, obviously, was inspired by a broadcaster's attempt to avoid swearing before the watershed when mentioning this poem. It was released online before it was published in any collection, and there seem to be many versions floating round the internet. In any case, it rarely fails to bring tears to my eyes.)
Balance is good. It's nice to see both sides of the coin. I do feel that we fall ONLY into one of them tho', and that is enormously depressing. What can you do or say to make things change ? I have no idea. We are out of options. Out of personal reserves. Out of plans A, B, C, D and E. I don't have a little cat Zee to pull out of my hat. I'm fucked.
I've been in a huge amount of physical pain the last week - I've managed to wrench my neck somehow doing some heavy pulling while training, so my cartilage on my vertebrae is inflamed. horribly inflamed. I've spent days at home, good stints in bed. I've shut everything down. It's been tough with the kids - their little lives continue apace, and mummy being "man-down" doesn't really stand in the way of rugby, football, karate, birthday parties, music practice, school trips, and all the rest of the "must get done's" in their lives. It's further driven me to moments of wanting to just opt out. I have no support - no-one I can turn to support me practically. I have booked the babysitters in for the nights that we cannot miss eg. psychiatrist appointment. But on a day-to-day basis I must soldier on. Regardless.
this is not what I wanted. I want happy times. Times when we laugh together and are happy. there are so, so few of those. We seem to spend so much time screaming at Zack, and him screaming at us. And then us both sitting, late at night, trying to think of new strategies for dealing with his :
. lack of self esteem
. inability to self-moderate
. refusal to comply, follow instructions, stick to the rules
. comfort eating
. need to have a drama about almost everything
. craving for physical touch
. self-loathing after the events
. tantrums in the face of 'boundaries'
. resistance to change
. inability to transition
. insolence, anger, rage and physical aggression
I honestly don't have a fucking clue. I'm just tired. Dog tired.
And to end - I happened upon this website on "parenting strong willed children" by Dr. Laura Markham. And the bit that struck me the most on the parenting tools page, was this item #10 on being HARSH with your children and how it fucks them up. I'm fucked up and I can see a direct causal link. It takes years, decades to fix the stuff that formed me when I was young. I still, at age 43, cannot think that I am worth-ful, have value, should be listened to. I always put myself last, and let people walk all over me, I create the fucked-up relationship that I had with my own mother, in many other relationships, because that's what I "know", and familiar is best when it comes to psychiatry. I hate that. I absolutely hate that.
Have you read "The Shock of the Fall"? by Nathan Filer
On the back of the horrible Xmas holidays, I started looking at stuff online. I've also been going through my own personal crisis - wanting to exit, leave the family home, feeling like nothing I do or say is any help. Feeling useless, unappreciated, broken down, hated.
Sometimes I feel like our family is crashing, smashing, disintegrating, falling apart, crisis-ing, imploding, collapsing in very. slow. motion.
This poem and it's corollary were very much on my lips that last January week :
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
by Adrian Mitchell
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.
They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.
Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.
(This poem, a response to this one, obviously, was inspired by a broadcaster's attempt to avoid swearing before the watershed when mentioning this poem. It was released online before it was published in any collection, and there seem to be many versions floating round the internet. In any case, it rarely fails to bring tears to my eyes.)
Balance is good. It's nice to see both sides of the coin. I do feel that we fall ONLY into one of them tho', and that is enormously depressing. What can you do or say to make things change ? I have no idea. We are out of options. Out of personal reserves. Out of plans A, B, C, D and E. I don't have a little cat Zee to pull out of my hat. I'm fucked.
I've been in a huge amount of physical pain the last week - I've managed to wrench my neck somehow doing some heavy pulling while training, so my cartilage on my vertebrae is inflamed. horribly inflamed. I've spent days at home, good stints in bed. I've shut everything down. It's been tough with the kids - their little lives continue apace, and mummy being "man-down" doesn't really stand in the way of rugby, football, karate, birthday parties, music practice, school trips, and all the rest of the "must get done's" in their lives. It's further driven me to moments of wanting to just opt out. I have no support - no-one I can turn to support me practically. I have booked the babysitters in for the nights that we cannot miss eg. psychiatrist appointment. But on a day-to-day basis I must soldier on. Regardless.
this is not what I wanted. I want happy times. Times when we laugh together and are happy. there are so, so few of those. We seem to spend so much time screaming at Zack, and him screaming at us. And then us both sitting, late at night, trying to think of new strategies for dealing with his :
. lack of self esteem
. inability to self-moderate
. refusal to comply, follow instructions, stick to the rules
. comfort eating
. need to have a drama about almost everything
. craving for physical touch
. self-loathing after the events
. tantrums in the face of 'boundaries'
. resistance to change
. inability to transition
. insolence, anger, rage and physical aggression
I honestly don't have a fucking clue. I'm just tired. Dog tired.
And to end - I happened upon this website on "parenting strong willed children" by Dr. Laura Markham. And the bit that struck me the most on the parenting tools page, was this item #10 on being HARSH with your children and how it fucks them up. I'm fucked up and I can see a direct causal link. It takes years, decades to fix the stuff that formed me when I was young. I still, at age 43, cannot think that I am worth-ful, have value, should be listened to. I always put myself last, and let people walk all over me, I create the fucked-up relationship that I had with my own mother, in many other relationships, because that's what I "know", and familiar is best when it comes to psychiatry. I hate that. I absolutely hate that.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Basically he's deficated all over Xmas
Our Christmas period has been held to ransom by our 8-year-old. There have been highs but there have been significant lows. He goes into a hole and he takes us all with him. I'm sick to death of it - it's just bullsh*t. A family of four has to lock into a child of eight's emotional yo yo'ing. It's total and utter kak! If he's getting his own way, then it's all A-okay, but if he's frustrated, upset, can't do what he wants to, then we all have to go into free-fall, shit hole, crap city. I don't think so. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in the New Year. I will soon be making an appointment with a second psychiatrist to get a second opinion. The problem with psychiatry is that child development is still in its infancy, if not, its teens. "they" don't really know do "they"?!! It's a guessing game. When you look online and you talk to people, they are either in camp A = medicating their children with Ritalin and god-knows-what-else; or camp B = natural remedies and therapy (and that's IF their kids will talk).There's the myriad of approaches in between. We have to fall in there somewhere. What else is there to do ? Zack is angry. Zack is eight years old. Why is he angry ? We don't know. He can't tell us. Everyone has to guess. But in the interim, we all have to live in the tsunami that is his reality : up - down - up - down. Our wagon is hitched to his wagon and it's the wrong way round. He is a child. He needs to feel safe. But he tries EACH AND EVERY DAY to wrestle power from his parents. He wants to dictate how this goes, but I dig my heels in and Daddy is softer than me. So it ends up being inconsistent. It's infuriating.
My line now is to just remove myself whenever he exhibits behaviour that is undesireable : he shouts at me, I leave. You try and be physical with me (pushing or physically threatening), I leave - usually after trying to go the humorous route. You're rude to me, I leave. You are demanding AFTER bed time, I leave (he will try almost ANYTHING to get you to give him attention after bedtime). You attack your younger brother during the day, without provocation, we leave. You swear, we leave. You break the agreed parameters, we leave. Isolation seems to be the only way to deal with him.
Zack has very little understanding of "you did this, it's your doing. There are consequences for the things you've done." He often responds in a pickle with, "it's NOT MY FAULT!!!!" And I respond, "I'm afraid it is your fault Zack. You did this. And this is the consequence of your action." He hates that. His therapist says he doesn't want to face reality - oh. so. true.
I'm so so so tired of the approach that says we need to treat him like a 2 year old. When I do that, he just takes the piss. Yeah! Yeah! his therapist says that he is not responsible, he makes no connections. That he is a child, ENTIRELY driven by IMPULSES. He doesn't know what he's doing. He sees no connection between how he behaves (when he's "overwhelmed by his emotions") and the consequences (our frustration and exasperation; and worse - injuring other children, saying things that are completely inappropriate)
There are so many fears out there - what will he be ? what's the worst thing he'll do ? how "damaged" will he be at the end of all these years of childhood ? is he resilient ? why can't I fix it ? how can I protect him ? How do I prepare him for adulthood (surely that's my biggest responsibility?)... But fear is not a good motivator. Recognising that he and I are separate (yes, this is particularly hard for a mother to do. surprise, surprise!) and that I am NOT responsible for who he is, what he does, or the outcome of his actions.
Late at night, when he has mastered his emotions and has perspective on his day (useful, but also entirely useless), he can see how A led to B. But when he's in the midst of it, he is overwhelmed by how he "feels" and is unable to master these feelings, he is just the whirlwind into which we all get sucked. It's exhausting because just like he denies any culpability, he despises having to re-visit any of his transgressions. Nighttime is the only time we can, so it makes nighttime hard. We can't do it every night. Gotta time it right.
My New Year's resolution on the 28th of December is : we gotta fix this! I think that some drugs may be the answer. Time will tell.
My line now is to just remove myself whenever he exhibits behaviour that is undesireable : he shouts at me, I leave. You try and be physical with me (pushing or physically threatening), I leave - usually after trying to go the humorous route. You're rude to me, I leave. You are demanding AFTER bed time, I leave (he will try almost ANYTHING to get you to give him attention after bedtime). You attack your younger brother during the day, without provocation, we leave. You swear, we leave. You break the agreed parameters, we leave. Isolation seems to be the only way to deal with him.
Zack has very little understanding of "you did this, it's your doing. There are consequences for the things you've done." He often responds in a pickle with, "it's NOT MY FAULT!!!!" And I respond, "I'm afraid it is your fault Zack. You did this. And this is the consequence of your action." He hates that. His therapist says he doesn't want to face reality - oh. so. true.
I'm so so so tired of the approach that says we need to treat him like a 2 year old. When I do that, he just takes the piss. Yeah! Yeah! his therapist says that he is not responsible, he makes no connections. That he is a child, ENTIRELY driven by IMPULSES. He doesn't know what he's doing. He sees no connection between how he behaves (when he's "overwhelmed by his emotions") and the consequences (our frustration and exasperation; and worse - injuring other children, saying things that are completely inappropriate)
There are so many fears out there - what will he be ? what's the worst thing he'll do ? how "damaged" will he be at the end of all these years of childhood ? is he resilient ? why can't I fix it ? how can I protect him ? How do I prepare him for adulthood (surely that's my biggest responsibility?)... But fear is not a good motivator. Recognising that he and I are separate (yes, this is particularly hard for a mother to do. surprise, surprise!) and that I am NOT responsible for who he is, what he does, or the outcome of his actions.
Late at night, when he has mastered his emotions and has perspective on his day (useful, but also entirely useless), he can see how A led to B. But when he's in the midst of it, he is overwhelmed by how he "feels" and is unable to master these feelings, he is just the whirlwind into which we all get sucked. It's exhausting because just like he denies any culpability, he despises having to re-visit any of his transgressions. Nighttime is the only time we can, so it makes nighttime hard. We can't do it every night. Gotta time it right.
My New Year's resolution on the 28th of December is : we gotta fix this! I think that some drugs may be the answer. Time will tell.
my favourite cartoonist produces something likened to Zack on a happy day... Most people on a happy day to be fair... BUT: reality check!! : no-one really cares, unless you're 1 Direction or Kim K
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