THE LOW DOWN

We got to a point where we really needed more answers so we took Zack to a psychiatrist, recommended by the psychotherapists. She has diagnosed him with some autistic traits (so he's neither autistic, NOR on the autistic spectrum, but exhibits some traits - which, now that I've done quite a lot of reading, are common in MOST HUMAN BEINGS!). He has developed a lack of social awareness and empathy, a lack of impulse control, obstructive, confrontational and non-compliant behaviour - whahey ! it's not rocket science.
Zack is suffering from depression, but he is also suffering from despair. No surprises there!
The sad, sad news though is that we cannot medicate him... we can't help him by removing the highs and the lows chemically. He has to keep going, however hard it is for all of us. No drugs - it's too risky. We were gutted to hear.
She is sure he doesn't have ADHD nor is he bipolar. That's something! a little twinkle.
He has O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiant disorder) which basically comes down to a 'naughty child' label. It's negative and disruptive behaviour aimed at those in authority, particularly parents and teachers. Apparently it's very common in kids with ADHD... BUT Zack doesn't have ADHD. hmmm....
At some point in his early emotional development he has gone off on a different path. Some of the resulting behaviours have now become quite entrenched and will be difficult to unlearn. She was optimistic: it is possible with the “right” support, and we hope that he’ll be able to find his way back to a ‘normal’ trajectory, or at least learn coping mechanisms to do so.
She said the very best thing we could do now is find him a new school which will offer more emotional support and change the approach to his therapy. Guess what I'm doing with my time ?!
It's been quite an arduous journey thus far... who knows whether we'll find a school in time. There are days when I feel hopeless, there are days when I think there's a glimmer.
I recognise that I just have to take it one day at a time. That's all there is.

money matters

I have opened bank accounts for both children now. I decided to go to Santander as they're local and we have our mortgage with them. I seldom use a high street bank, but convenience is important and you have to start somewhere. Zack has seized the idea with both hands - already deposited £15.50 into his account (from pocket money and tooth fairy savings), and has acquired a further £10 + while we were on holiday which he's ready to deposit. He has such a generous spirit : yesterday we went to the bank at 5:20pm to discover it closes at 5pm, so we crossed the road and went for a Starbucks. I'd paid for drinks and a nibble each, but then he insisted on buying Calvin a further lollypop and himself a biscuit - with the money he had in his purse (which was en-route to the now, closed bank). And then insisted on buying a bag of crisps for me. Bless him, he has a very giving nature.

at Huntsville Alabama, the national Space & Rocket Centre

My attitude | Their attitude
While in the USA on holiday (Spring Break / Easter hols), I genuinely struggled with their ingratitude. It's so difficult when you're away from home, living in different accommodation every night, eating out or having take-aways for at least 2 meals a day. On the one hand I'm delighted that they're confident and and can ask anyone for help or assistance; on the other hand, their attitude of 'this is what I want, and I want it now' really erked me. The transition from lower middle class in my childhood, to the affluent upbringing that our children are having is a difficult one to navigate. You want your children to realise the value of things : not just money, but what goes into a holiday, the value of labour, the value of these unique experiences. We will be in South Africa for all of August and I'm thinking very seriously of spending a few days at an orphanage in Soweto with a friend of mine so that they can see first-hand what it is to have no parents, no toys, in need.
Zack has been studying "Fairtrade" at school, and seems to have an understanding of poverty. It chimes with his generosity, it's true. I'd like to flesh that out a bit though.

Calvin is still a very self-contained little boy. I did however have an insight into his personality while we were away, thanks to Greg's comments. Calvin really looks up to Zack - hero worship - and feels very protective of him. So when Zack has a tantrum, it's Calvin who 'feels' the agony/frustration. There is a symbiosis there which we, as parents, are not plugged into. I hadn't recognised it until we were out of our normal environment, and I think I don't see it at home because Calvin is so quiet in himself. My eyes have been opened, and I will now be looking to him as a barometer of Zack's emotional well-being.

frikkin' Wii

Zack is six. We have a Wii. We have 2 games - Mario Kart and Winter Olympic Games. Zack has played it more and more in the past few months and is getting really adept at Mario Kart. He now comes in 1st or 2nd place, BUT... and it's a big but... he can completely lose it if he doesn't win or come close. Just a few minutes ago he was coming 8th and he was FREAKING out. I turned the TV off, after asking him calm down again and again. Of course, this makes him even more angry. He doesn't seem to understand that it's just a game. That he can play it again and again. In the end he went to his bedroom because he couldn't stop freaking out. Sheesh! And he wants a DS. No way! Jose!

negotiating

It is frustrating in the extreme, the amount of negotiating that goes on with a three/four year old. I can see why it's necessary, as the alternative is smacking or sending him to his room/timeout. However... the time and patience and effort required (of two exhausted parents) is enough to drive me into the wilderness screaming, never to return. I feel like Zack "gets it" some of the time, so you can appeal to his rationality, but other times you're offering a number of alternatives, a number of carrots and sticks, consequences are carefully weighed up, end results are presented as clearly as possible. And yet, you're still getting the whinging, whining three year old who is just being contrarian for the sake of it. After 45 minutes of ruining everyone's day...
Yup, then it's time for a smack