Bon vacances. Bonne chance

Or should I say "buona fortuna" and "buona vacanza" because we spent our holiday in Italy - 2 weeks of sunshine. And the final week of the school hols back home in London. The last 10 days were really very smooth and peaceful, all things considered. With no therapy to go to, and no school pressures, it does beg the question, "are we where we are because of the pressures of modern life?". The problem is, this life is not avoidable. Our livelihoods are tied up in the Big Smoke. We are neither farmers nor arborists. I have no desire to go and live in a small village where everyone knows your business. There is more than enough pressure on Zack right now, from his school mates, his peers, people in the wider social circle and our neighbours, to uproot us all and "opt out" of an urban existence. That would be traumatic for me, Keith and both children. We're staying in the city.

I spent a most worthwhile evening on the horn to a friend who's son has also struggled alot, around this age (8yrs+). It's so hard to know what to do, what to think, where to go from here. My friend has said not to dither, not to hesitate, but to act. I feel like I'm being too passive, sitting still. But at the same time, I see the value of just sitting with a problem and looking at it from different angles. An impulsive action is often driven by emotional overload, and the desire to survive overrules common-sense. I've submitted an application to a private school in Hampstead, in the hope that they'll grant us an interview if there's a place in the new year.

I've started making enquiries into a full-time nanny. The cost is crippling. I'm re-thinking it each week.

Zack is still going to therapy. We are still seeing a therapist too. There are times when I want to chuck in the towel, when it all seems pointless. But then we have a week where I see real value in Zack's therapy - when I can draw a straight line between his coping and incidents that have occurred. That's when it's also hard, because we've toyed with the idea of his going more frequently, but I don't think that he'd agree.

On a more positive note, he has had enormous success with rugby this term. We've had a few training sessions which have gone well - including incidents when he was high-tackled, kids jumped on his head when he was on the ground, getting kicked in the back and sworn at. All of which he's dealt with very well. He is much more resilient, much more.

Empty Apologies

Today I decided to sit out of Zack's ball class so that I could read my book. Afterward we came skipping out of class and were fooling around on the steps outside when one of the mums called to me and said, "Your son hit my son....", so I called Zack over to apologize. His first reaction was, "... but Mom, he hit me first", and when the other mother denied it, he said, "But he did! I saw him."
I find these sorts of conversations frustrating. Zack apologized and hugged the other boy. I then paused, waiting for the other mother to reciprocate. She didn't. Her son just did the sulky quiet thing and rubbed his eye.
I don't think Zack was lying. I do think that the other mother possibly heard her son cry or wail, but I can't say that she saw Zack actually hit her son OR for that matter, her son hitting Zack in the first place. So who's in the wrong? Is Zack a bully or just a normal boisterous boy? Is her son a manipulative little git or a cry-baby, or was he genuinely injured during a tousle over a ball?
Zack is very gracious for apologizing, even if it is difficult in the moment. It doesn't cost alot to apologize and it's a good skill for later on.

negotiating

It is frustrating in the extreme, the amount of negotiating that goes on with a three/four year old. I can see why it's necessary, as the alternative is smacking or sending him to his room/timeout. However... the time and patience and effort required (of two exhausted parents) is enough to drive me into the wilderness screaming, never to return. I feel like Zack "gets it" some of the time, so you can appeal to his rationality, but other times you're offering a number of alternatives, a number of carrots and sticks, consequences are carefully weighed up, end results are presented as clearly as possible. And yet, you're still getting the whinging, whining three year old who is just being contrarian for the sake of it. After 45 minutes of ruining everyone's day...
Yup, then it's time for a smack

settling in

We've been here for 2 weeks now, and I'm finally starting to feel more at ease. Zack and I went off to the Mum & Tots group on Monday. I felt a bit shell-shocked afterwards - no-one spoke to me, or even made a comment. There were about 50 kids there, so the place was heaving. It made me realise just how wonderful "Chatterbox" is (our 'old' group in Limehouse). The east enders are a friendly bunch - because so many of them are immigrants. Here it's one-big-homogenous-cakeslice who don't really need new friends, so they don't try . It means I'm going to have to put in some extra effort to "break the ice" as it were; it's not all bad tho.... We went along to the Woman's Bible study group at church yesterday morning and they run a creche. It worked out very well - Zack had a ball with the older boys, and played the piano a bit with the girls. I had to drag him away at the end. Calvin slept thru' the entire episode, so no complaints there. It is good to be surrounded by mums with kids the same age. Afterwards I bumped into 2 or 3 of them walking home, which adds to the sense that this is a community. Things are looking up!

Getting things sorted out at home is taking night after night of our energy : I got to IKEA at 9pm last night. It's a good thing as I managed to find a blind & curtain for the kid's bedroom. I had spent two sessions at our local John Lewis (department store) looking at curtains & blinds earlier this week, but to no avail. The ready-made ones are all too short. I suppose the other thing is that IKEA's stuff is fine (and they fit) and doesn't cost the earth. I found blinds for the study too, and the difference in cost is more than £1000!! And not for a vastly different creature either I might add.
The fridge arrived on Tuesday which was fabulous. And it's a monster ! It is nice to have the space after living out of a bar-fridge for almost 2 weeks. You think you'll never fill these things, and then steadily all the stuff creeps in.

Zack has been up & down this week. Some days he's been lovely and really interactive, enthusiastic, participated well, communicated well. Other days we've just come to loggerheads all day - those are the hardest days for me, because by 5pm my patience is gone and I turn into the disciplinarian. Keith's hours are still not too good, so he gets home well after the kid's bedtime which isn't really part of the plan. One night this week I was so tired of fighting with Zack that I got him out of the bath at 7:30 and then said to him that he could do whatever he wanted until daddy got home to read him a story and put him to bed. Keith walked in at 8:40pm and wondered why Zee was still up.
Another night this week, I just went to bed at 8:30pm - as soon as Keith got home. It's emotionally exhausting and I hardly get enough sleep anyway. It was good to be asleep for an extra few hours.

Calvin is 24 weeks tomorrow, and is getting over his conjunctivitis. It's one of those funny infections that kids get, and you really just need to be persistent about cleaning. I would like to have another round of 'shots' before we leave for South Africa. Unfortunately we aren't yet registered with a new GP here in Muzzies, so I'll probably have to go to the Barkantine to get it done. It's not all bad - will make it part of a trip to sort out the flat in Coldharbour. That is another saga, for another blog. Suffice it to say, the flat is getting fixed up and we should be able to put it on the rental market in the next week or so.

It is two weeks until we fly to South Africa and I am counting down. I CANNOT wait to be there and just rest a bit. It will be blissful having the grannies, aunties and uncles around to play with the kids and spoil them with attention and games. My poor hands and feet need lots of TLC - moving house ruins them, especially in a harsh winter like this one.

I have tried & tried to find a baby sitter to replace (the wonderful) Kelly. It's been hard work. I have still not actually managed to meet a potential candidate, but roll on next week, when I will line up some eager girls. I'm hoping to also make the time to see the local nursery (across the road) and find out about the Open Days at the local Montessori's (there are two).