oh Zack. what next ?

Back at our therapy sessions after a 5-week break. Ruth (our therapist) walked through a few of the holiday incidents with us. Essentially we've come to the realisation that all the tools we have for parenting - inherited from our parents - are useless. They just don't work. Growing up in South Africa, respect was something garnered from fear. Fear of physical punishment - either a hiding with the wooden spoon, or the belt. That was how the game was played...
Parent : You respect me, or I'll beat the crap out of you.
We are in the enviable position of having a child who at the age of 7 was already too strong to manhandle. I cannot physically lead him to his bedroom if he doesn't want to go. He is too heavy to pick up (when he's having a tantrum) or even scoop up (in slumber). So any kind of physical direction, eg. "It's time to go to your bedroom" (try and lead him there), or "You need to leave your brother alone" (try and separate them) or "Give me the iPad, you can't have it any more because you won't listen/ have broken our agreement" (try and wrestle it out of his hands), is in vain. A complete waste of time.
The realisation that you have a starting point of less than zero, is a very sobering and depressing moment. I had a conversation with a friend about this during the holidays and he was horrified that I felt, I have no tools. We're the same age, and he insisted that I do have tools. So, let's see what tools I have :
1. my children are not rational
...A = I cannot use logic on them. My arguing about a point is wasted.
2. my children don't listen very well, particularly to my voice
...A = using alot of words is a waste of time.
3. authority. In this present age, who has authority ?
...A = I'm a provider of love, support, meals, roof, bed, clean clothing
4. discipline and control
...A = here is where the massive black hole exists. What do I do ?
4.1 I feel desperate when Zack is physically aggressive towards Keith. I tell him not to. But what am I appealing to? His sense of obligation ? He doesn't have one. His respect of his father ? I don't think he has much. Let's "do the right thing"? Ha! what's that ? Anyone ?
...A = Keith says not to worry. He's in control. But the physicality of the 'threat' (and believe me he knows, and is growing in knowledge, that he's strong) makes me fearful. I do feel like I need to "contain" that behaviour. *Therapist would say, "let go of the need to "contain" or "control". Just be". My response, "Oh. Okay!" but all the while I'm worried about the future and the consequences.... If I let Zack continue in this manner, he'll think it's okay to act in a menacing way when he's frustrated. Menacing towards his peers, menacing towards teachers, menacing towards other authority figures. What's the end point ?
4.2 Self-regulated behaviour in society
If 1, 2 and 3 are defunct, how on earth do I get my child to be a part of society? He has to learn to self-regulate. Books don't fix a damn thing but many of the lessons I've read recently have laid down the strong statistical case for children who learn to defer gratification. It's the one indicator for "success" in later life. If my son can't control himself, he can't defer anything. That means that the statistics are stacked against him - he isn't going to be able to sort out his shit in life. I can't fix that. How depressing!
4.3 We need to function in school. You can't run amok. You can't just opt out of the academic flow. Getting homework done is excrutiating. I fucking hate every moment of the cajoling, the bribing and the begging. But, again, it's all about finding a NEW way without any of 1, 2 or 3. I need to be the entertainer. I need to be the parent who makes learning fun.

The task is enormous and onerous.

I want to sit down and weep. Alot.

school's out !

All good things must come to an end. School finished today and what madness the last 2 weeks have been. It is inexplicable to me why two little people can be so wound up, when they appear to have been spending most days watching movies and playing in the playground. Surely they're just plain tired, and want to have a break ? Not a chance. Zack's behaviour has been severely testing me (and his boundaries) for the past fortnight, and Calvin is trying it on too. Zack, Keith and I had a meeting on Sunday night to discuss boundaries, behaviour and consequences as we were resorting to screaming, dragging him to his room (he wouldn't go there himself), and threatening hidings. It is soul-destroying parenting. As such, we agreed on new parameters.
This week alone he has had a hiding before school following a 45 minute tantrum, and Keith took away £2 of his pocket money for disgusting behaviour. He is challenging authority at every turn. It is exhausting. Where's my lovely Zack ? I just don't know :(
I really hope I have the reserves to get through 6 weeks of holidays - thankfully 3 weeks and Mum will be here to divert some of the 'boundary pushing', and they know where they stand with her.

Mister Angry Eyes

We've just had a visit from Clive who has 3 boys. Two of them are older than ours. Useful conversations ensued. Zack has been very hard work the past week - yes, he was off school for 2 days with an upper respiratory infection, but from Wednesday onwards he was much much better and back on the beat. BUT, boy oh boy has been challenging me. Keith was away on business and so he started taking me on, on everything. It was infuriating : "I'm not going to school"... short of dragging him to school I had to just say, "We ARE going to school. NOW!" but it does occur to me that very soon he'll realise that Mummy can't make him go. It hasn't stopped since Keith got back - it's been the same the past two days.
Clive said their middle son has also been through the angry, I'm not doing that, you can't make me phase. Keith and I came to blows yesterday about how to deal with it, and I challenged him to come up with 5 (practical) solutions to the challenges. Everyone seems to agree that we need to stick to our guns, under any and all circumstances. Zack needs boundaries big time right now. (exhausting) I'm hoping the phase will pass soon.
On the other end, Calvin is playing the "Look at me: I'm so good and I don't get into trouble" angle. It makes things hard because he IS doing the right thing - just that being cute and rubbing it in makes life particularly hard for the big-brother and the disciplining.

Here we go again!

Night three hundred and sixtyfive zillion, eight hundred and tootyfive....
It is now 8:22pm and Calvin & Zack are playing silly-buggers in the bathroom under the pretense of needing to "wee" Mommy. I have been into their room twice already, separated them from one another and into their own beds (bunkbed), as Calvin can't get down by himself - but he can get up! Exhausting.
After a while I just get sick and tired of going up there and yelling at them. Last night it went on until after 9:30pm and they were both sobbing in separate rooms. What does it take to get the message ? I just don't know

Keeping tabs - night 14 of "getting the message"

Day 14: Tuesday 21st June
taken to bed : twice
time of quiet : 20h21

Last night I gave in and let him sleep in Zack's bedroom, because he kept creeping downstairs to be under Zack's bed. Tonight it was the same routine, so why am I fighting it ? Well, last night Zack woke up twice in the night crying and I don't know how much Calvin had to do with it. Mummy & daddy are just plain tired and want them to shut up

Keeping tabs - night 4 of "getting the message"

Wed 8th June
babysitting night, but apparently all went according to plan.
Certainly Calvin was out of bed twice before I left at 8:15pm.
Depressingly, he woke up at 1:30am and again at 3:10am so I am a Z.O.M.B.I.E.

growing up

It's been a whirlwind past month with all the bank holidays, royal wedding and now family visiting from S Africa. Calvin has been hit by the early rising sun, and we are all subject to his antics at approx 5:30am which is very, very hard. He is able to climb up Zack's bunk-bed now and wake up his brother (for company), and shout loudly that he has made a "poo". which needs changing. Bless Keith - he mostly gets up and does that.
It means that we're all a bit smashed at the moment. However - next week is half-term and that means we can rest during the day as there are no big commitments.

Keith bought a new clock for him to try and sort things out - a Gro-Clock. It shows a little sun when it's time to wake up. The rest of the time it is a star, which means "sleep time". Calvin is too clever for that - he just pulls the power cable out when it suits him AND tells you the whole story about the sunshine meaning it's time to wake up. Hopefully with repetition and enforcement we may yet get him to sleep until 6:30am.
Zack has a new star chart to get his behavior back on track in the evenings. It's really worked and we've been tough on marking his achievements. He managed 10 stars and went off to the cinema rejoicing last weekend with Keith. The next star chart has hopes of a visit to Legoland. We shall see. Keith has said he needs 100 stars to go, but that seems unattainable to me. Time for negotiation.
Calvin has regressed a little on the potty training - deliberately wee'ing in his trousers during the day. This morning he actually poo'ed in them too which meant he got a stern talking to. Little blighter. He also thinks it's hilarious to say "poo poo", and "poo head", and "poo face" and "willy poo". Dull toilet humour. You can only tell them off SO many times before you recognise that ignoring it is the best way forward. We're trying hard.
Calvin is picking up more and more - his vocabulary is impressive and his understanding of things too. He is still suffering from separation anxiety a lot. His gross motor skills have been 'on vacation' this week as he fell down on tarmac twice in half an hour and has taken the skin off both knees, his elbow and the palm of one hand. It's just horrid and you can't help but feel for him - poor little thing. Thank goodness for Shrek plasters which seem to have done wonders.
Speaking of which - we are besotted with Shrek DVDs at present, and can watch little else.
Calvin has two firm favourite books : the Hungry Caterpillar and a new pop-up book on Noah & the Ark.
Tina has handed in her notice - which is sad for us all. She will leave on 2 July and move to Southampton. Her husband has been offered a job there. I've been quite emotional about it all, and trying to feel motivated about a solution or p.o.a. I'm vascillating between another housekeeper and a cleaner who does some ironing. The child-care issue is never going to go away, so in reality I need to keep that larder well-stocked.
My freelance work has also picked up so there's more going on during my spare time which is a challenge.
My sister-in-law, Tammy, has announced that she's preggie on her blog. I'm still not sure if that means it's common-knowledge or if it's a secret... what is public and what is private ? Not sure. Our boys will have a new cousin early next year, which is exciting. Hurrah!

Keith has just completed a small photo project, taking each of our eyes.
The similarities in the family are striking

negotiating

It is frustrating in the extreme, the amount of negotiating that goes on with a three/four year old. I can see why it's necessary, as the alternative is smacking or sending him to his room/timeout. However... the time and patience and effort required (of two exhausted parents) is enough to drive me into the wilderness screaming, never to return. I feel like Zack "gets it" some of the time, so you can appeal to his rationality, but other times you're offering a number of alternatives, a number of carrots and sticks, consequences are carefully weighed up, end results are presented as clearly as possible. And yet, you're still getting the whinging, whining three year old who is just being contrarian for the sake of it. After 45 minutes of ruining everyone's day...
Yup, then it's time for a smack

tooth

Calvin has one tooth - bottom left. He cut it one day shy of ten months... pretty slow going, but if a friend is to be believed, the longer it takes for them to come, the better quality they are. Maybe his are verging on Titanium, or Carbon or something... ha ha.

My mum on her last afternoon with us

The house continues a pace, with the dry rot chaps leaving last Friday and the flooring men arriving this morning at 8:30am. Very soon we will have a living area in our house, and early next week the semblance of a kitchen too. Zack has been extremely naughty in the past five days. Saturday was the worst with him getting up to all sorts - actually it had started on Friday night with him throwing his shoes over the fence into the neighbour's garden. Unfortunately the fence is just too high for me to reach over, so it was left to Keith. Saturday morning they were retrieved, and Zack promptly threw them over the fence again. Keith was furious.
Throwing things is a bit of a thing right now: cars, stones, toys; and refusing to listen (perhaps it's just being contrarian but it amounts to the same thing). My counsellor suggested that his behaviour is affected by the ongoing upheaval in his environment. Granted. I also see the jealousy of Calvin entertwined there - especially as Calvin gets more mobile. Zack is pushing all the boundaries, so it's taking extra effort on all our parts to show him where the parameters are.

Tina (our housekeeper) continues to be a real support.

Second time around

We are now in the thick of getting Calvin onto solids. He is hilariously different from Zack. He prefers to be able to have one hand in whatever it is we're feeding him, I guess it must be a texture thing. And he's slowly getting the message that he needs to open his mouth to let the food in. He is quite a little tiger though, as he will fight off attempts to feed him when he's decided he's a) not ready, or b) not in the mood. His little hands flap around and he presses his lips, firmly together. He loved the blended chicken and butternut, but hated the beans and brocolli (admittedly it tasted very dull & dreary). I've tried a few of the bottled offerings, which he can't stand but he's happily eating the sachets of organic food made by Ella's Kitchen. I'm such a pragmatic mummy – I've never been one to insist on only organic for my children. He gets a mixture of everything.
One thing I'd never offered Zack is Cheerios, but I've bought a box and sprinkle a few on the table every morning. Calvin has excellent fine motor skills (again, completely different from his big brother), so loves picking up small things and putting them in his mouth.
We had a nasty few days of sore bottoms, and acidic nappies, but still no sign of teeth – going to have to wait and see. Someone said to me the other day, that the longer you wait for teeth, the better they are (I'm assuming quality). It sounds like another 'placatory mummy comment' to me. But it would be nice to believe.

We spent a lovely afternoon at a local fair in Bounds Green last weekend

Zack is pottering along. He's loving his new ball skills class – Enjoy a Ball – with Nicole and wishes most of Tuesday mornings away so that he can go, at lunchtime. We've moved the trampoline off the deck and into the far corner of the garden, so we can use the deck area. It feels far less claustrophobic now. We're having a lovely summer, so there's ample opportunity for sitting outside of an evening.

My cousins came for lunch 2 weeks ago, and Zack had a ball

His potty training has been successful, and most mornings he'll even get up and poo in the toilet instead of his nappy, which Keith and I think is the best gift.
Because of the state of the house, we don't have a very accessible TV area (it's in our bedroom), so Zack watches quite a few of his favourite CBB's shows on the 'mecuter' (computer), and is becoming incredibly dextrous with a mouse. He's got the hang of where the buttons are for clicking and how to navigate the screen. Ah, another generation eh ?
Our housekeeper, Tina, continues to be an enormous help. She is very willing and very able. She is crazy about Calvin and just wants to cuddle and play with him. Initially Zack was quite enamored with her, but now he's realised she's here to stay (and discipline him), so he needs a few AAK's (attitude adjustment klap) along the way for spitting, blowing razzies, and saying "No!". But he'll get there. Tina had her visa extended yesterday, so she's in high spirits and feeling very relieved. I really feel for her because she's been here almost a decade, but the new "Living in the UK" tests stand between her and getting her residency. I've read the material and some of it is beyond the grasp of a huge percentage of the British populace. They've certainly set the bar high.
My mum is back from her canalboat holiday this afternoon, so we look forward to getting her back. On Monday Nana will be going home to "Africa" (as Zack says), which will be a sad goodbye. Best we make the most of the next few days.
On the house-front, we continue a pace with the dry-rot removal. We've been told it'll be just another week 'till they're finished, then we can get our flooring back. And unwrap the sofas (which were delivered last week, but are standing up-ended, in the front lounge. We're all wishing our way to the kitchen installation, but that'll be sometime yet.

settling in

We've been here for 2 weeks now, and I'm finally starting to feel more at ease. Zack and I went off to the Mum & Tots group on Monday. I felt a bit shell-shocked afterwards - no-one spoke to me, or even made a comment. There were about 50 kids there, so the place was heaving. It made me realise just how wonderful "Chatterbox" is (our 'old' group in Limehouse). The east enders are a friendly bunch - because so many of them are immigrants. Here it's one-big-homogenous-cakeslice who don't really need new friends, so they don't try . It means I'm going to have to put in some extra effort to "break the ice" as it were; it's not all bad tho.... We went along to the Woman's Bible study group at church yesterday morning and they run a creche. It worked out very well - Zack had a ball with the older boys, and played the piano a bit with the girls. I had to drag him away at the end. Calvin slept thru' the entire episode, so no complaints there. It is good to be surrounded by mums with kids the same age. Afterwards I bumped into 2 or 3 of them walking home, which adds to the sense that this is a community. Things are looking up!

Getting things sorted out at home is taking night after night of our energy : I got to IKEA at 9pm last night. It's a good thing as I managed to find a blind & curtain for the kid's bedroom. I had spent two sessions at our local John Lewis (department store) looking at curtains & blinds earlier this week, but to no avail. The ready-made ones are all too short. I suppose the other thing is that IKEA's stuff is fine (and they fit) and doesn't cost the earth. I found blinds for the study too, and the difference in cost is more than £1000!! And not for a vastly different creature either I might add.
The fridge arrived on Tuesday which was fabulous. And it's a monster ! It is nice to have the space after living out of a bar-fridge for almost 2 weeks. You think you'll never fill these things, and then steadily all the stuff creeps in.

Zack has been up & down this week. Some days he's been lovely and really interactive, enthusiastic, participated well, communicated well. Other days we've just come to loggerheads all day - those are the hardest days for me, because by 5pm my patience is gone and I turn into the disciplinarian. Keith's hours are still not too good, so he gets home well after the kid's bedtime which isn't really part of the plan. One night this week I was so tired of fighting with Zack that I got him out of the bath at 7:30 and then said to him that he could do whatever he wanted until daddy got home to read him a story and put him to bed. Keith walked in at 8:40pm and wondered why Zee was still up.
Another night this week, I just went to bed at 8:30pm - as soon as Keith got home. It's emotionally exhausting and I hardly get enough sleep anyway. It was good to be asleep for an extra few hours.

Calvin is 24 weeks tomorrow, and is getting over his conjunctivitis. It's one of those funny infections that kids get, and you really just need to be persistent about cleaning. I would like to have another round of 'shots' before we leave for South Africa. Unfortunately we aren't yet registered with a new GP here in Muzzies, so I'll probably have to go to the Barkantine to get it done. It's not all bad - will make it part of a trip to sort out the flat in Coldharbour. That is another saga, for another blog. Suffice it to say, the flat is getting fixed up and we should be able to put it on the rental market in the next week or so.

It is two weeks until we fly to South Africa and I am counting down. I CANNOT wait to be there and just rest a bit. It will be blissful having the grannies, aunties and uncles around to play with the kids and spoil them with attention and games. My poor hands and feet need lots of TLC - moving house ruins them, especially in a harsh winter like this one.

I have tried & tried to find a baby sitter to replace (the wonderful) Kelly. It's been hard work. I have still not actually managed to meet a potential candidate, but roll on next week, when I will line up some eager girls. I'm hoping to also make the time to see the local nursery (across the road) and find out about the Open Days at the local Montessori's (there are two).

how bad can it be ?

Pretty bloody awful to be fair. We moved in last week Friday - so it's been a week now - and I don't think I've felt quite this low in a long time. There have been a few big issues with the house. When we moved in we were aware that we'd need to do a few bits and bobs to make it more liveable.
As it turned out none of the showers worked properly : the first one's shower head just poured water out the top of it - useless! That bathroom has no door, and nor does the actual shower, so the water splashes everywhere including the bedroom carpet. The next shower, although convenient (it's an en suite) didn't have a mixer that worked. That meant you could only get scalding hot water. The hand shower isn't wall mounted, so you have to pick all the bits off the floor if you want to use them.
The last shower was leaking like a sieve... straight into the utility room downstairs. Turned out the shower tray hasn't been properly attached to the wall, or sealed. On top of that we've had taps that leak, and handles that fall off.
What really pushed me right over the edge yesterday tho' was the washing machine. I'd carefully timed the booking of the plumber (who has repaired most of what I've listed above), to follow the delivery of the new machine. But Keith decided that he could plumb it in and it would be fine. He couldn't have been more wrong. Yesterday was extremely stressful with so much to do between the plumber leaving, and then me driving down to the Docklands to leave Zack & Calvin with friends, so that I could attend Keith's Xmas Party. Add to this a husband who remembers at the last minute that it's black tie, and now I need to find a tux, a dress shirt and a waistcoat somewhere, in some cupboard or box, in one room or another, in a very messy house that is full of boxes. We went without a bowtie in the end!
Anyway... I set the machine to wash and before I left home I heard it spinning and it was the most awful noise. I went downstairs, to see that it was bouncing around all over the place and it's too heavy for me to move, so I just took everything off the top of it and put it on the floor. I rang Keith to say so, and he said, "Just put a towel at the door of the room so that if it floods, the water won't run onto the hardwood flooring." Guess what !? We went out to this party in central London, it finished after 12:30. We left the Docklands after 1:30am, so we only got home around 2:30am and my beautiful new washing machine had been banged against the wall and radiator. It had ripped itself out of the waste pipe, so all the waste water had filled the utility room and guest loo. Everything that I'd moved on the floor was sodden - 2 boxes of washing powder, a large bag of dirty clothes, all the instruction manuals and warranties, the neat pile of building rubble from the plumber, who'd had to cut a hole in the ceiling to find the leak from the shower, etc etc etc. I just wanted to weep. You don't feel very strong at 3am, especially after all the stuff that's needed fixing already.
There is so much washing to be done and now I don't have a machine that works - because it's not level, AND I cannot make it level. I can't go to the laundromat because I can't control 2 small children for 2 or 3 hours in a confined space with nothing to do. Besides, it's raining and snowing so we can't exactly play outside can we?
Keith blames it entirely on the fact that John Lewis took away the one piece of equipment that he needed to level the machine - a special LG spanner. It's unusually large so nothing we have fits it. Brilliant!
After all that, lying in bed at 4am, I hear a drip-drip-drip, and it's the basin in our en-suite. It's started leaking too (apparently because Keith bumped it). Honestly, you start thinking "what next?".

Calvin carries on regardless. He is incredibly placid and easy-going. The only time he really gets upset is when he's hungry and is being ignored. Unfortunately he's now got conjunctivitis in his right eye. Poor little blighter.
I am not coping at all well with Zack's behaviour at the moment. He is being deliberately VERY naughty, throwing things down the stairs and acting up. It's a very very hard time indeed. I have not had to scream at him so much in a very long time. I feel quite hoarse from all the shouting I've had to do this morning. He is incredibly defiant and stubborn. Everything is "No Mommy", or "I'll tell my Daddy" (obviously a classic that he's picked up at nursery), and the last resort, "You not my friend Mommy!" Please tell me this isn't going to last ? I just hate every minute of it.

You're probably wondering how we're all doing in the snow and sleet ? I think I have more than enough on my plate right now... but I did manage to take Zack out to play in it. He didn't like that it was so cold. I will upload some photos soon.

On top of everything Zack and I baked some snickerdoodles yesterday (type of biscuit) which turned out really well. He took 18 of them to Greg & Charlie as a treat.

vocal explosion

Zack is just talking, talking, talking. It's as if he's suddenly getting his mouth around all the things that he's been listening to for months. We've been making notes of the news words for a while, but in the last few days it's just exploded. Isn't language an amazing thing ? I was watching my friend Elly's little boy a few months agao and was astonished at how he mimicked her every word, and now Zack is doing it. Of course there's heaps of babbling going on, but for the rest it's great fun.

Favourite word is still 'car'. But that's how it goes with boys !

The Aside:
Coming back to London was a shock to the system. We had a few rough nights and Zack is becoming more and more head-strong. He bit me hard on Wednesday morning at our mum's group, because I wouldn't let him have a 4th biscuit. Lots of screaming and stamping of feet, and then when I confronted him and said "no", he bit me. I smacked him in front of all the mummies. Yesterday we were in Hyde Park, in a playground, and 2 mums came to blows because one's child was being picked on by another (with absent mum). Heaven help you if you raise your voice, let alone your hand to some kid who is pounding yours. What a crazy world we live in! Jackie was saying how strange it is that we are so involved in our children's lives (stimulating them, educating them, entertaining them), compared to our mums who chased us outside to play, and our grandparents who were even less involved (by all accounts - see ITV's new parenting series, Bringing Up Baby). There has definitely been a trend in the last 100 years towards tighter bonds with one's children. The down-side is tho', that we don't trust anyone with or near our kids. There are paedo's everywhere, we're told. Stranger Danger! etc. etc. It puts so much more strain on mums who are already collapsing under the load of domestic duties, and dad's under the strain of providing, supporting. Yadda Yadda. And there isn't always someone to listen to your ranting and moaning. Parenting is not an easy road. It's bloody hard work.